Blowtox
May 31, 2002

Listen (How to Listen)

Dc: This special concert is made possible by a grant from the Dooley Cosmetic Surgery Clinic, Dr. Byron Dooley, proprietor. Wonders are being performed daily at the Dooley Clinic. Please welcome Dr. Byron Dooley!

Tk: Thank you very much.

Dc: Dr. Dooley is here to have a conversation with me about scientific advances in the field of cosmetic surgery. It's going to sound very much like advertising, but in fact it is a legitimate interview.

Tk: I can't tell you how much business we get from our radio appearances. It's phenomenal.

Dc: There's intense interest in this topic from our audience.

Tk: Radio is the UGLY medium. Ugly people do radio, and ugly people listen. Which is great for me.

Dc: Dr. Dooley, There is quite a bit of publicity now around wrinkle removal parties. Do you do those?

Dooley: You talkin' about Botox. We don't do no stinkin' Botox. We take wrinkles serious. We got heavy equipment we use to blast away wrinkles. These here are the big guns. Wrinkle killers.

Dc: So your wrinkle removal program is not simply an injection?

Tk: Nah. We got a better program … ours is called Blowtox.

Dc: Blowtox?

Dooley: Lemme ask you. How do you get wrinkles outta clothes?

Dc: An iron.

Dooley: An' what does the trick?

Dc: Um …

Dooley: Heat, right? The key to Blowtox is a very high heat Blow drier. Here's what we do. You come in … I look at your face, I say … ugh. You look like a prune. So … I do a little stretching … trying to gather up that loose skin up here at the hair line, although for you it's almost at the back of your neck.

Dc: Aghghg! That really pulls my face up!

(sfx: tape pull and tear)

Dooley: Right! Then we use tape to hold that in place. Then we go down and get down under your double chins. Yeah … LOTS of room down here.

(sfx: tape pull and tear)

Tape that in place, then go right …

(sfx: tape pull and tear)

… and left …

(sfx: tape pull and tear)

… and then we got you pretty well tightened across the face.

Dc: It DOES feel a bit tight.

Dooley: Then we spray you down with our patented Dooley Skin Sealer and Ponce de Leon Fountain of Youth Antioxidant Spray.

(sfx: spray)

Dc: Agh! What's in that?

Dooley: Smoothing agents. And plasticky stuff. And then we hit you with the patented BlowTox Hot Air System!

(sfx: blow dryer)

Dc: Agh! Wow, that's hot!

Dooley: It has to be! This is what makes everything tight! It's the same principal you use in the winter to seal those windows against cold drafts. Only here … it ain't a leaky window, it's your face.

Dc: How do I know it's working?

Dooley: What?

Dc: (shout) How do I know it's working?

(sfx: blow dryer quick fade off)

Dooley: I couldn't hear ya, but let's see how it's working.

(sfx: rubbing latex balloon)

Oooh … listen to how tight that skin has become. That's great. Drum tight.

Dc: This is good?

Dooley: Oh yeah. You're lookin' great.

Dc: How about here? Is this a wrinkle over here?

Dooley: Hang on, let me get it.

(sfx: blow dryer up again, briefly)

We'll just smooth this baby out.

(sfx: blow dryer out)

There you go.

Dc: I feel like I'm carrying a shrunken head around on my shoulders.

Dooley: Actually, the BlowTox system WAS developed by pygmies. But don't worry. We know when to quit. Although you might lose a helmet size or two.

Dc: And is it expensive?

Dooley: You bet! BUT … keep your receipts. The cost of your Blowtox treatments can be deducted from the price of a full mummification!

Dc: Dr. Byron Dooley of the Dooley Cosmetic Surgery Clinic, originator of the BlowTox facial system.