Feisty Brinkman
May 31, 2002

Listen (How to Listen)

Dc: Our guests this evening are from out of state, and we want them to leave with a good impression. So we hope you'll be generous with your applause. This is important because in the current climate of tension and suspicion, it's hard to leave a good impression. And yet with tourism more important than ever, some say Minnesotans aren't friendly anymore. A committee has been formed to study this troubling issue and report to the Governor. It's called "The Minnesota Citizen's Report About Behavior" or M-CRAB. The civilian leader of M-CRAB is also Chairman of the Tactics Department at Douglas MacArthur Junior College. Please welcome Dr. Feisty Brinkman.

(applause)

Professor Brinkman, is it true that Minnesotans aren't nice anymore?

Tk: (gruff) No! It's a lie. We're still nice. Nice as Hell. People don't know what they're talking about. Ignorant fools repeat lies they hear from other fools, and it makes the rounds.

Dc: What sort of lies are you talking about?

Tk: People say … "I got bad service in Minnesota." Or they say, "Minnesota drivers are stupid AND crazy." Or they say … "Somebody made a derogatory remark about my state of origin" or "They acted like I wasn't there" or "The people in Minnesota are self righteous snobs who are so provincial they have NO IDEA that their home is NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE." Real un-specific stuff like that.

Dc: And there's no truth to it?

Tk: No! I mean, sure, there might be some truth. But it wouldn't be a problem if people wouldn't talk about it so much. Our biggest enemy is word of mouth!

Dc: What can M-CRAB do about that?

Tk: We have a plan. We call it the Minnesota N-I-C-E, or Negative Image Correction Effort. Our goal is to disrupt the negative word of mouth chain at its source, by confusing and misdirecting its agents.

Dc: Wouldn't it be better to put that energy into promoting tourism?

Tk: N-I-C-E is already aimed at tourists. We're putting up highway signs at points leading OUT of the state that say "Thanks for visiting Minnesota. If you can't say anything nice, then Shut Up."

Dc: That's pretty blunt.

Tk: Well, remember, our most whiney neighbors are Cheeseheads. So, the Not Subtle approach works, I think.

Dc: So this is primarily directed at Wisconsin?

Tk: Not only, but you gotta know your audience. Our signs on the Iowa border are even simpler. There, they just say "Thanks, and Shut Up."

Dc: And for the Dakotas?

Tk: Those signs say "Border Closed". It's really a money maker for the motel owners on this side of the line, I can tell you that. We're talking about expanding it.

Dc: That's just mean.

Tk: Yeah, well … Boo hoo. Time to grow up.

Dc: I'm surprised you were appointed to this ... sensitive position.

Tk: I happen to be the most sensitive guy the governor could find.

Dc: So ... you tell people who visited to "shut up" when they leave. What else?

Tk: We tag tourists. Just like on the nature programs.

Dc: You tag them?

Tk: Out at the Mall of America parking ramp. A sleeper dart knocks 'em down, we fit 'em with a radio collar and let 'em go about their business.

Dc: I don't see how that could do us any good.

Tk: We find out what stuff people visit when they're in the state. We also learn who visits and then DOESN'T come BACK. Where do they go on the next vacation? And the one after that and the one after that?

Dc: So you can compare the appeal of the different vacation options?

Tk: No, so we can hunt them down and GET IN THEIR FACE. To say: "What's the Deal? You never came back!" Then we demand an apology and get it in writing.

Dc: I would think that would be counter-productive.

Tk: (pause to think) Don't use jargon with me.

Dc: I'd think people would get … ticked off.

Tk: Nah. Some of 'em are embarrassed. A few of 'em cry a bit. Mostly, they're feelin' guilty 'cause they know we're really, really nice. We love our neighbors and deserve to be loved in return.

Dc: Anyone refuse to sign it yet?

Tk: Nope, but you've gotta make allowances. For the Iowans, we just let 'em put an X.

Dc: What happens to these apologies?

Tk: We'll use them in our promotional brochures and commercials and stuff to show to the Cheeseheads who can't decide where to go.

Dc: It sounds like a very focused program.

Tk: We call it our Make and Break program. Find the complainers. Make them humble. Break their spirit. With luck, they'll come back to Minnesota and will be less demanding, and easier to have around.

Dc: And how quickly will this work?

Tk: It's going to take years. After tourists, we branch out and apply intense amounts of Minnesota NICE to politicians, journalists, bond rating houses, weathermen.

Dc: So … you're going after anybody at all who might have anything negative to say?

Tk: We have to be aggressive. Negative comment networks are everywhere. We have to infiltrate each one.

Dc: That's going to take a lot of intelligence.

Tk: Actually, we have some of our dumbest people working on it. But they're doing fine.

Dc: The plan is called the Minnesota Negative Image Correction Effort.

Tk: We can MAKE people like us, but it's going to take time.

Dc: Professor Feisty Brinkman of the Tactics Department at Douglas MacArthur Junior College, and chairman of M-CRAB, the Minnesota Citizen's Report About Behavior.