with Leslie Generic, 1/07/99
Leslie: Here now the news ... I'm Leslie Generic.
Volatility in worldwide financial markets has dominated headlines this week, but
analysts are telling investors to remain calm and to pursue their long term strategies.
Stock Market expert Darrel Dwight spoke to reporters late in the week.
(sfx: trading floor w/ questioners all around)
Darrel: (nervous) It's not a bubble bursting! I wouldn't say that.
A downturn? NO! A down tic? No, a "tic" sounds nervous, and we're not
nervous! An adjustment? Never! Profit taking? No, that's too harsh. It's just
... it's just a ... a settling! Yeah, that's it. A gentle ... settling.
Reporter: Is it a crash?
Darrel: EEEE! Crash? No, no, NO! It's not a crash.
(sfx: trading floor w/ questioners fades)
Leslie: The president has announced that he will re-appoint Alan Greenspan as
chairman of the Federal Reserve Board. Wall Street reacted positively to the announcement,
and all the presidential candidates also stated that they would like to keep Greenspan
in the Fed Chairman's position. One candidate, Gary Garfield, went a bit further
in his endorsement.
Gary: If elected president ... I will re-appoint Alan Greenspan again. If he should
die, I will have his body frozen in a government lab. We will put his brain in
a jar and consult it on economic policy, and I will devote all available federal
resources to the important job of re-animating him as soon as possible. This is
my promise to you!
(sfx: applause up and fade)
Leslie: The Kremlin has denied a widely published report that Boris Yeltsin's
daughter actually prompted his resignation on December 31st, and then covered
her tracks by having Vladimir Putin dismiss her from a meaningless government
position. An official news release explained that Yeltsin was ready to step down
and made the decision himself. The former President then later appeared to confirm
the denial, and to announce that he will begin his retirement by playing the title
role in a springtime production of King Lear.
Translator: How toothy a serpent it is ... with child ... when the thanks ...
Leslie: The award for the Most Painful Attempt to Describe the Meaning of the
Millennium, the "Millie", has been awarded to Helen Wiggins of the Akron
Cage Liner for the following passage, which appeared in the newspaper's January
"For the smallest of moments, six billion souls paused, took a breath, and
bathed in the excruciating and delightful experience of being alive, together,
all of us, aware of each other and ourselves in the light of God's creation, with
the incandescence of a hundred million skyrockets punctuating the inky blackness
of night." Wiggins accepted her award at the Purple Prose Club of Manhattan.
Wiggins: (ponderous) Uh, I'd like to give , no ... offer ... bestow ... lavish,
yes! My most heartfelt ... my deepest ... most sincere and grateful ... my happy,
no, my humble ... uh .. thanks. Yes. (recouping) I'd like to lavish my most sincere
and humble thanks. Upon you.
Leslie: 1999 marked the official end of "The Decade of the Brain," as
mandated by Congress. Experts say the decade's research yielded some startling
conclusions about the brain, including the news that human brains do produce new
cells throughout life, contrary to what was previously thought. Chuck Upchurch
Chuck: Skeptics are sticking with the story that brains have all their cells intact
at birth and are formed by getting smaller, the way a man with a chain saw carves
a block of ice. But a new group of researchers say brains grow from within, like
mushrooms or sea monkeys. At a recent forum to dissect the "Decade of the
Brain" results, an argument broke out about how the brain works ...
(sfx: scuffling and shouting)
... with the brain growth side claiming the dying brain contingent was brain dead,
while the dying brain group alleged that the growing brain group was delirious
from tumors. Each side told the other to "put up or shut up," but neither
one did either. Chuck Upchurch, Washington.
Leslie: The Labor department has announced that employers will be liable for workplace
safety issues for employees who telecommute from their homes. Brick Walters reports.
Brick: Employers were stunned at the decision, which means they will have to assure
that home keyboards, computers, chairs and offices are not arranged in such a
way that they injure workers. The employers will also have to certify that home
offices are well lit, free of radon and carbon monoxide, and not loaded up with
dust bunnies or pet hair or dirt wads that might cause allergies. Under the proposed
regulation, some of the nation's largest employers will also have to finally do
something about the siding and that place where the frame on the basement window
is rotting, those rickety front steps and the threshold that Uncle Roger nearly
trips over every time he comes by, especially if the stairs are regularly used
to gain access to the office. Out in the field, I'm Brick Walters.
Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.
Dale Connelly Reporting Home