Y2K STOCKPILE
by Dale Connelly, 1/07/99

DC: This is DCR. News meant for amusement. There's quite a bit of relief that the dreaded Y2k problems didn't emerge, but now the thoroughly prepared face another problem ... what to do with their supplies. We asked for help and got it from Henry Heller of Henry's Helpful Hints.

(music: theme)

Henry: Hi, this is Henry Heller with Henry's Helpful hints, including a big hint today about what to do with all those Y2k supplies.
So you bought 200 cans of tuna! It's not a problem. There's a great dish you can whip up using things that are normally found in anyone's fallout shelter pantry. Where's my helper?

(sfx: footsteps approach quickly)

DC: Here I am, Hank.

Henry: OK, great. First, you want to open those 200 cans of tuna and dump them out into a stainless steel 55 gallon vat.

(sfx: cans opening)

And while you do that, I'm gonna shred this 60 pound block of beef jerky that you thought would keep you alive for the next decade or so.

(sfx: power grinding sound)

Next, we want to drain about 20 gallons of water out of your reserve tank ... get that water running, will you?

DC: (off mic) Got it, Hank!

(sfx: water running)

Hank: And you'll want to bring that to a boil, so get the propane furnace going.

(sfx: whoosh of furnace / burner)

Did you put some vegetables in a cool, dry place?

DC: We've got 500 pounds of potatoes and 15 cubic yards of rutabagas.

Hank: Great. Slice and dice about one fourth your supply on each of those ... and put it in the drum!

(sfx: slicing and dicing)

DC: What are we making?

Hank: We're making a huge mess! I call it "Millennium Stew!" The tuna gives it protein, the jerky makes it chewy, the potatoes and rutabagas are for comfort and the rest of it we use just because we've got it!
Toss a few dozen granola bars in there too, for some added fiber!

DC: OK!

Hank: Whattre ya doin'? Unwrap 'em first!

(sfx: foil fumbling)

DC: Sorry!

Hank: Let this simmer for one whole day, then cool and serve!

DC: Will it be tasty?

Hank: Heck no! It'll taste bitter and miserable, like your wounded pride when you know you've been duped! But at least you'll be using your supplies, and that's bound to make you feel better!

(music: theme back in)

And even if it doesn't ... you'll still pretend to like it. You'll do anything to wipe those smug expressions off the faces of all those people who did NOTHING to get ready.

DC: They did NOTHING, and they should be the ones suffering, not me!

Henry: Right, so you might want to serve a little bit of Millennial Stew to them, if you get a chance. Even if they choke down only one spoonful ... there's still plenty of pain in that! And that means satisfaction for you! I'm Henry Heller, and that's a Helpful Hint for dealing with your Y2K stockpile. Next time, I'll show you how to convert an ordinary gas powered generator into a go-cart engine for the grand kids!

(music: theme up and end)

Dale Connelly Reporting Home