NEWSCAST
with Leslie Generic, 2/11/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic.
Hackers have been attacking major commercial web sites on the Internet this week, hijacking computers and causing them to bombard targeted sites with meaningless data. Webmaster Wayne Johnson is in the Internet warfare strategist.

(sfx: bombardment)

Wayne: You ever been hit with a concentrated stream of meaningless data? It's pure hell. And look around. You want data? This is a powder keg."

(sfx: bombardment out)

Leslie: Analysts say this sort of virtual warfare is likely to increase, and may lead companies like E-bay and Yahoo to petition for membership in NATO, changing it's name to "YA-NA-BAY".
The Labor Department announced that productivity shot up at the end of 1999 ... rising at an annual rate of 5 percent in the last two quarters. Some analysts say faster computers helped spark the increase. Others contend that computers were only part of the cause. Taking the latter view is TransNatFedBank economist and Burger Barn drive up clerk Tom Fleming.

Tom: A computer is only a tool ... may I take your order? ... and it's useless if the worker doesn't also WANT productivity to rise.

Customer: (filter) A cheeseburger combo, with the el grande French fries.

Tom: Cheese and grande french. You have to give credit once again to this generation of workers .... Do you want anything to drink with that? ... Who are using their low attention spans in a positive way ...

Customer: A Giddypop, please. Diet.

Tom: Diet Giddypop. Uh ... by multi-tasking ... not paying attention to any one thing for too long. That's $5.19, drive to the first window. And we're getting paid for as many jobs as we can do at once, which is a lot.

Customer: Can I get that cheeseburger without pickles?

Leslie: TransNatFedBank economist and Burger Barn clerk Tom Fleming.
With projected budget surpluses appearing on both the state and federal level, lawmakers at all levels are under intense pressure to approve tax refunds and rebates.
But at least one lawmaker is suggesting the states and the federal government pool their excess funds to purchase some or all of central and south America. Congressman Loomis Beechly says the opportunity is too good to pass up.

Beechly: (house chamber) Think how it would help our trade deficit if we owned some of the foreign countries that are beating us in trade now!
And why give Americans a tax rebate that they're going to use to travel to warm vacation spots when we can just buy the vacation spots for them, and then we'd have more beautiful sandy beaches in the good old USA!

Leslie: Congressman Beechly says if no countries in Latin America are for sale, perhaps we could buy Australia and pay for it with expected revenue from the Summer Olympics.
A new report has been released by the National Ranking Registry ranking the rankings that are regularly released to reporters. This year's top ranked ranking is the "best states to be a former resident " ranking.

Picker: Number two is the "favorite cities to find parking ranking," the "best industry for office romance" ranking, and the "best place to be from if you care about rankings" ranking.

Leslie: Paul Picker of the National Ranking Registry.
Scientists listening for signs of life in the distant reaches of the galaxy reported this week that they have heard a "giant sucking sound" at the edge of the Milky Way. Ann Stirrup of the "Big Ear" audio telescope in Hawaii made the announcement.

Stirrup: It was a kind of a sucking, swirling sound, followed by a wet sort of gurgling, and then the sound of people talking and what seemed to be a TV set or a radio just droning on in the background. I also heard a garage door and what I think was a car ... probably a Jeep Cherokee ... backing up.

(sfx: reporter hubub)

Reporters: What do you make of this? What do you think it is, Ann?

Stirrup: I think it's clear proof that urban sprawl is way out of hand.

Leslie: Consumer activists fighting the distribution of genetically engineered produce linked arms across a busy highway to block the shipment of 20 truckloads of Outback Chicken.
The livestock, a product of DNA manipulation pioneer Genway, combines ordinary chickens with the lean strength of the Australian kangaroo, creating a large, powerful bird that cannot fly but sure can jump.
Protester Harold Telford was interviewed at the sit in.

(sfx: group in bg ... supporting)

Telford: We're trying to show that we the people don't want a kangaroo that tastes like chicken and we certainly don't want a 5 foot tall chicken that can jump over a car. It's a travesty!

(sfx: group in bg ... laughing)

Well, OK, it's a funny thought. But still it's an assault on nature.

(sfx: one person in background clucks)

Stop it!

Leslie: Genway plans to market the Outback Chicken as an alternative lean meat and the live birds as entertainment at children's birthday parties.
There's another nursery rhyme in the news. Forest Grimm reports.

Forest: Jack Spratt could eat no fat, his wife would eat no lean,
And so between them both of them, they licked the platter clean.
The restaurant had minimums to keep the staff employed.
So when the Spratts shared one entree, the waiter was annoyed.
Upon the bill he piled the fees and ran the total up.
'Til Jack and Mrs. Spratt had never paid so much to sup.
"We're scandalized," the Spratts complained.
"That's one expensive chicken."
"And you were rude," the waiter said.
"Our plates are not for lickin'."
Forest Grimm, New York City.

Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home