LOW-SPEED INTERNET ACCESS
by Dale Connelly, 2/18/00

Dc: This is DCR, news meant for amusement. The push is on by phone and cable TV companies to provide high speed Internet access, the next big step in creating a totally wired country and world. But each action elicits an equal and opposite reaction … in this case that's Dugan Armstrong, Internet Service entrepreneur, and founder of something called "TurtleNet."

Dugan: (intense, type A) I started TurtleNet because I sensed a demand
for extremely slow Internet access.

Dc: How could that be? Everyone else is trying to go faster. Isn't that
better?

Dugan: A faster Internet is better for shopping and getting information. It
might even start to make money for all those companies that have poured
billions into online marketing. A faster Internet will also take away the
attention of a lot of people … maybe the people you care about most.
With TurtleNet, you have Internet access but it stays … excruciating.

Dc: Why would anyone want that?

Dugan: Here's an example of what I mean. A dramatization we did. A ten
year old boy and his mom are by the computer. Listen.

Mom: Hey, pal. What're you doing?

Kid: Waiting for this page to load. It's a Brittney Spears fan site.

Mom: Sounds interesting.

Kid: Not yet. It's taking forever.

Mom: I guess you have to be patient.

Kid: Gol … I'll be an old man before this page loads. And she'll be
married! (realizes what he's said) Not that it matters to me.

Mom: Well … whattaya say we go out and toss the frisbee around while
you wait?

Kid: Uh … I guess.

Dugan: Get the idea? Here's another one.

Carol: What's wrong with this computer? I'm trying to read the New York
Times and just getting the website to come up … it's agonizing.

Bob: Maybe it's those wacky hackers … they don't have any manners.

Carol: This is like stealing. They're talking my time away from me.
I feel like a dope just sitting here.

Bob: Well … I made dinner.

Carol: You did?

Bob: Yeah, you wanna come eat? While you wait for your page to load, I
mean. We could talk.

Carol: Talk? You mean … in a chat room?

Bob: No, here. Right here in our house. At the table.

Carol: About …?

Bob: About how frustrating the Internet can be.

Carol: Oh. OK. It looks like it'll be a while anyway.

Bob: Let it run. That way, nobody can call us and interrupt our meal.

(music: romantic out)

Dugan: So do you get it now? Do you see what I'm talking about?

Dc: So … TurtleNet is really about people spending time together.

Dugan: We give them the slow service that makes face to face interaction
possible … we give them something to complain about (which is a time
honored conversation starter), and by focusing on something that
technology has already perfected … pokey service … spotty access …
frequent disruptions … we know that we can give our customers just what
they need, want and expect. All for $15.95 a month!

Dc: Dugan Armstrong, creator of TurtleNet, the slowest Internet service
available.

Dugan: Soon with an upgraded version we call "Molasses."

Dc: Can't wait.

Dugan: You'll have to.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home