SPACE FATE
by Dale Connelly, 2/25/00

Dc: this is DCR, a news program not to be believed.
At an important meeting this week, space scientists revised their predictions about the fate of the Earth and the Universe.

Prof. Dyer: Well, yes and no to that.

Dr. Bootsin: The fate of Earth and the Universe hasn't changed a bit.

Prof. Dyer: Not one iota.

Dr. Bootsin: (choking sound)

Dc: I'm not done introducing you yet. Can you wait a moment?

Prof. Dyer: As long as it's not … you know.

Both: Too long! (they laugh)

Dc: At the annual meeting of the American Association of End of Time Estimators (AAOEOTE) several distinguished presenters revised their predictions. Two of them are with me now. Professor Mary Dyer and Dr. Clyde Bootsin.

(they laugh)

Dc: I must say, you both seem cheerful for people who have spent the week arguing about the details of the ultimate catastrophe.

Prof. Dyer: We have a good time in the AAOEOTE. (Ay Ay Oh EEE Oh tay). Even our disagreements are good-natured and full of fun!

Dr. Bootsin: For instance, we're on opposite sides concerning the end of the Earth. I say the sun will go super nova and burn us to a crisp!

Prof. Dyer: And I think a passing star will disrupt the orbit of Jupiter, knocking us out of our place and causing us to drift aimlessly in space as a cold chunk of planetary debris.

Dr. Bootsin: (chuckling) Where do you get that? That is such a long shot.

Prof. Dyer: I admit it's a little iffy, but I like my chances.

Dr. Bootsin: The super nova is a sure thing. It happens to every star.

Prof. Dyer: Don't underestimate the importance of Jupiter.

Dc: When are we talking about these things …?

Dr. Bootsin: We're talking about it right now!

(they laugh)

Prof. Dyer: Good one! We ARE talking about it now!

Dc: Come on, I mean … how far into the future are these … catastrophic events likely to actually … happen?

Prof. Dyer: In all seriousness … it may happen a lot sooner than we used to think.

Dc: Because I was under the impression that the end of the universe was so far out there, it was longer than anybody could wait.

Dr. Bootsin: Five billion years was the number we used to kick around.

Prof. Dyer: Exactly.

Dc: And see … that's just too long to comprehend.

Dr. Bootsin: But we've adjusted our computations and it's actually a lot sooner, now.

Dc: What? Four billion years?

Prof. Dyer: Oh, no. much sooner.

Dc: Two billion?

Dr. Bootsin: A fragment of that.

Dc: You're scaring me here. How long? Is it years?

Prof. Dyer: Yes, it's years.

Dc: How many?

Dr. Bootsin: Five …

Dc: FIVE?

Prof. Dyer: … hundred million!

(they laugh loudly)

Dr. Bootsin: I love doing that. I just love it!

Prof. Dyer: Don't worry, Dale. You'll be able to get the money out of your 401 K before then!

Dc: I think you two are way too irreverent about this.

Dr. Bootsin: What? You're acting like it's the end of the world!

(they laugh)

Dc: Professor Mary Dyer and Dr. Clyde Bootsin are members of the American Association of End of Time Estimators (AAOEOTE), an organization that has just concluded it's annual meeting.

Prof. Dyer: With half a billion annual meetings to go!

Dale Connelly Reporting Home