NEWSCAST
with Leslie Generic, 3/3/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic.
On the campaign trail for the Enough! Party presidential nomination, Governor Dick Burstyn gambled this week by lashing out at the intolerant.

(sfx: applause ends)

Burstyn: We are not the party of negative people, we're positive!
We say to those who are negative, stop that! You're bad!
We won't tolerate intolerance.
The only intolerance we'll tolerate is our intolerance of the intolerant, and if that makes you indignant, then go dig somewhere else, because we're open to everyone but you!

(sfx: applause)

Leslie: Political experts say Governor Burstyn is taking a big risk with this approach. Campaign analyst Ted Sheffield.

Ted: The intolerant aren't going to be able to stomach too much of this.
He also made comments this week that alienate hypocrites, charlatans and the disloyal. He's already written off the smug. I'm not sure he knows what he's doing.

Leslie: The tobacco industry indicated this week it is willing to allow the Federal Drug Administration to regulate marketing of cigarettes for the first time. Analysts say this is another example of how large companies are deciding there's no future in the cigarette business. Dean James follows the tobacco industry for the investment firm Churning and Associates.

James: (a smoker, he's constantly puffing) The cigarette business is dying. Choking. This is the last gasp. It used to be the industry was run by people who had no remorse about making a living off helpless addicts who couldn't leave the product alone if they wanted to. Those executives have all moved on to Internet companies … and are now making a living off helpless addicts who can't leave the product alone even if they want to.

Leslie: Tobacco industry expert Dean James. Doctors have completed the first successful lung bypass operation. Zelda Plowright reports.

Zelda: Lifetime smoker Duncan Sladek realized his lungs were getting clogged up and was grateful when doctors and Sprawling Medical were willing to try a unique lung bypass operation.
I'm here at bedside with Mr. Sladek who is resting comfortably.
You obviously have been through a terrible ordeal.

Duncan: Yes, but now the worst of it is over and I'm looking forward to getting back to my two main hobbies, eating Peanut butter cookies and smoking cigarettes.

Zelda: Yes, two guilty pleasures. Neither one of them good for you.

Duncan: That's right. That's why the surgeons separated my systems. Before, when I was an integrated system, if my lungs got sick from smoking then the whole rest of me might die. But now, my lungs are in this handy little box here.

(sfx: inhale, exhale)

And if smoking makes them sick, I could take these old ones out and put in some new ones.

Zelda: And the Peanut butter cookies work the same way?

Duncan: That's right. I still eat them through my mouth, because that's where all the pleasure is, but no matter how many cookies and snacks I eat, I don't get fat. They go into this container that I've got right here … my stomach on a separate system entirely. You can look inside if you want.

(sfx: door open)
(sfx: stomach gurgling)

There it is, digesting it's little heart out.

Zelda: The heart is out too?

Duncan: No, I had to keep that where it was.

Zelda: How do you stay alive?

Duncan: I don't pretend to know how they did it. Of course, I never figured out that cigarettes could kill me either. And now, I don't have to think … period.

Zelda: (vo) And that could be the greatest benefit of all. Zelda Plowright, Washington.

Leslie: A government report has identified feedlot manure as a major factor leading to higher than expected levels of e coli bacteria in America's cattle. Now the cattle are defending themselves. Chuck Cudd is with the Bovine Worker's Association of America.

Chuck: The manure is not the responsibility of the cattle. Do we make it? Sure. But it's a manufacturing by-product. In any other factory, if they dumped the industrial waste on the ground and walked around in it … it just wouldn't be accepted. There'd be a big stink, and government action. Right now, all we've got is the first part.

Leslie: Chuck Cudd of the Bovine Workers' Association.
In spite of high employment and low inflation levels, consumer confidence slipped last month. The monthly measure of confidence is still near it's record high, but consumers reported in February that they have become less certain about whether they're "coming across" all right, and were especially insecure in three specific areas.
1) How I look in my clothes.
2) Whether I'm driving the right car, and
3) Will my antiperspirant keep me dry.
Analysts say if confidence continues to drop, the overall retail sales numbers should pick up to counteract the decline.

Congress is once again preparing to consider the Impatient's Bill of Rights.
Impatient people are lobbying for changes that will make their lives easier, legalizing tailgating and line jumping in particular.
A rally in support of the bill, scheduled for the Capitol Mall yesterday, failed to materialize. Organizer Dawn Dash says she doesn't know what went wrong.

Dash: I was there! I showed up on time. I checked around. I didn't see anybody. I left! I'm not gonna sit around waiting and waiting. I've got things to do!

Leslie: Rally organizer Dawn Dash. The Impatient's Bill of Rights is slated for quick action this session. And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home