NEWSCAST
with Leslie Generic, 3/31/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic. Authorities are on alert nationwide for a possible outbreak of pranks and untruths being perpetrated on an unsuspecting public as part of the annual observance of April Fool's day. Terry Gullible is a spokesman for the Foolish Prank Prevention Agency.

(sfx: reporter hubub establish and down)

Terry: We're declaring a state of high alert for the next few days. You should not put anything up to your eye, especially if it's offered to you by a smiling person. Don't look directly into plastic flowers, especially if they're pinned to the lapel of a checkered jacket.

(sfx: reporters hubub up … Terry! Terry! Terry!)

Yes, Sam?

Sam: (stifling a laugh) What's your comment on the president accepting an invitation from Osama Bin Laden to go snipe hunting!

Terry: (alarmed) The president's going snipe hunting? How ..? We can't let the commander in chief fall for the …. Wait a minute.

(sfx: press laughter)

You guys! Knock it off!

Leslie: Terry Gullible of the Foolish Prank Prevention Agency. Concerning REAL risks … fire danger in the Boundary Waters Canoe Area is at an all time high, and unprecedented precautions have been instituted. Starting May 1 and extending through the summer, only Boy Scouts who have FAILED to earn their fire starting achievement badge will be permitted in the downed tree area. Ken Festering-Stump is a National Park Service Ranger.

Ken: We calculated the risks, and decided Boy Scouts who can start a fire with a couple of sticks are too dangerous. We've got billions of sticks out here. But if they flunked the fire starting test, and will promise to leave the magnifying glasses at home … we'd be glad to have 'em. Otherwise … please. Stick to helping old folks cross the street this summer.

Leslie: Forest Ranger Ken Festering-Stump. With warm weather on the way for much of the nation, the National Nude Swimming Association has launched an effort to repeal laws that require clothing at beaches and swimming pools from coast to coast. Baxter Thomas is director of the NNSA.

(sfx: cameras)

Baxter: The second amendment of the constitution outlines American's right to bare arms. If we're gonna keep our right to Bare arms … we should be able to bare everything. Questions? Are there any actual reporters here, or did they just send photographers again?

(sfx: cameras out)

Leslie: Baxter Thomas of the National Nude Swimming Association. In Washington, the House Subcommittee on Disturbing Trends opened it's long anticipated Profanity Hearings. Zelda Plowright reports.

Zelda: Representative Loomis Beechly called the hearing in response to constituent complaints that there is too much profanity in popular culture. Entertainment industry "talent advisor" Erin Brockovitch told the committee she counsels her clients to avoid roles that use profanity.

Erin: You're *'n right it's a * nuisance and a big *'n mistake for anybody who wants to be a * role model. If I see that * in a script I say "no *'n way! This thing is *.

Zelda: The first day of hearings also included several witnesses who repeated the oft-heard argument that over use of profanity is a sign of low creativity. Zelda Plowright, Washington.

Leslie: There's another fairy tale in the news. Forrest Grimm reports.

Forrest: A shepherd boy is on probation and thirteen volunteer wolf chasers from town are hospitalized with exhaustion after emergency calls sent them running up to the meadow TWICE yesterday afternoon! The lonely shepherd boy was tending his flock when the villagers heard a cry - "Wolf! Wolf! The wolf is after the sheep!" Wolf! Wolf! dispatcher Trudy Blase' tells what happened next.

Trudy: When emergency services arrived the boy admitted to the false alarm. He was scolded. The units returned to base.

Forrest: But minutes later, the same boy called "Wolf Wolf" again!

Trudy: Units were dispatched. Another false alarm. The boy was issued a stern warning and threatened with a citation if it happened again.

Forrest: And then yesterday evening, a THIRD call came in.

Trudy: Our volunteer force was depleted due to exhaustion. And it was dinner time. So emergency services didn't respond until AFTER dessert. And then they walked.

Forrest: They found the shepherd boy weeping, the wolf was gone, and the flock had scattered. The boy was put on probation by sheep tending authorities, and local doctors have issued an advisory to townspeople that they ought to be able to run up to the meadow twice a day without the extreme exhaustion that was witnessed in this instance. The doctors suggested a regular program of exercise and less pastry, but their warning has been largely ignored. Forrest Grimm, Rochester.

Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home