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Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic.
Grovel: (phone) All you do is pick up the proper form from your local post office fill it out and add an addendum that says (over the top with emotion) "Oh please, if you have any human decency, oh PLEASE (weeping) give me some extra time to finish this. I can't handle the pressure, don't make me file now!" (back to normal) And you should have a response within days.
Leslie: Dan Grovel, tax expert.
The success of the live broadcast of the 1960's cold war drama "Fail Safe", combined with the recent success of that 1950's staple game shows has furthered network television's regression to it's earliest days. Network Executive Susan Hoover says the trend will continue.
Hoover: This summer, we're planning to introduce a prime time hour of test patterns. They're really beautiful. If you've never seen one, you'll want to tune in. And next fall we're planning a repeat of the 1948 election returns.
Leslie: TV network executive Susan Hoover, who also says viewers should expect a revival of "Tea Time Movies" and one camera children's clown shows.
Seating experts say the typical American bottom is becoming too big
for the seats on public transportation, concert halls and sports stadiums.
An 18 inch standard has been in effect for decades, but now there's
widespread support for a 20 to 23 inch standard to accommodate the growing
majority of Americans. George Tushman is director of the
Tushman: We've done extensive satellite mapping (yes, you can see it happening from space!) and kept meticulous track of fabric use trends by the pants industry. Everything points to the largest (and widest) peacetime expansion ever! It's an unprecedented booty boom. With no end in sight.
Leslie: Tushman says unless broad adjustments are made in seating capacity nationwide, Americans will be more likely to stay at home on the couch, which would allow the problem to grow even larger.
In other health news, a National Academy of Sciences panel announced
there is no scientific evidence that taking large numbers of vitamin
pills will prevent serious illness. The panel recommended that vitamin
pill fanatics try using generous amounts of healthful, nutritious food
as a pill substitute.
Fistful: There's no way mere food can take the place of our NutriSplurge anti-oxidant vitamin overdoses. For instance, to get all the vitamin C in one of these little tiny pills, you would have to eat a whole boxcar of oranges! Even a professional stripper doesn't want to do that much peeling! I think the National Academy of Sciences panel is feeling cranky and they ought to re-calibrate their mood by taking a handful of these beta carotene pills. Or they could eat 500 carrots each. I'll leave it up to them!
Leslie: Carolyn Fistful of Nutri-Splurge.
Independent counsel Robert Ray says he considers the investigation of President Clinton's relationship with Monica Lewinsky an "open" matter and he may seek an indictment against the president after he leaves office next January. Zelda Plowright reports.
Zelda: The Independent counsel's completely unexpected statement sent veteran Washington journalists running for cover. Pete Context is a news editor.
Context: There was no warning. Suddenly people are running through the newsroom screaming that there's a Lewinsky situation developing I couldn't believe it. I grabbed a few precious items and headed for the basement. We all did.
Zelda: Journalists were convinced the danger had ended when Hurricane
Ken blew through, but this latest incident has left them shaken. Said
one reporter, "I'm boarding up the place and heading for the hills."
Leslie: There's another fairy tale in the news. Forest Grimm reports.
Forest: A pair of local children are being held on suspicion of pushing
an old woman into an oven!
Shady: Evidence at the scene suggests the suspects were in the cottage
with the old woman. We're still looking at teethmarks on the outside
of the building. It's thought that the suspects actually tried to EAT
the structure, which may have led to an encounter with the homeowner
and eventually to the conflict that resulted in an incident with the
Forest: Hansel and Gretel's parents deny the charges of abandonment.
They say the children were in the habit of wandering off, and Hansel
in particular has a record of problems with littering.
Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.