SPLEEN CAMPAIGN
by Jennifer Hampster, 4/14/00

Dc: This is DCR, a news program not to be believed. It has been over a month since the presidential primary campaign in the Enough! Party appeared to be settled. Then it became UNsettled by Senator Sam Spleen's freak injury and subsequent disappearance from the public stage. Still, it IS expected that Spleen, the front runner, will be nominated at the Enough! Party convention in Las Vegas the weekend of June 3rd. Jennifer Hampster has been following the contest. Jennifer, how can the Senator maintain a lead and still be in hiding?

Jennifer: My sources insist the Senator is "not in hiding."

Dc: How they can say that? If you're running for president and you don't leave your house … ?

Jennifer: He's strategizing. Studying the issues. Weighing his options.
Thinking. That's what my sources say.

Dc: And people accept this story?

Jennifer: Certainly the reporters don't, especially if they were expecting to get a lot of air time. With no candidate to speak of … they're shut out. There's a lot of tension building up there. People are testy.

Dc: You?

Jennifer: Me? NO! But others, yes. Campaign staffers too. But the PUBLIC likes it. Polling shows that people find the Senator's absence … "refreshing".

Dc: So … they like seeing less of him.

Jennifer: They want more of it.

Dc: More of … less of him?

Jennifer: More or less, yes. Spleen's campaign manager, Rhonda Alonzo, has been making the rounds of the political talk shows. Here's her most recent comment on the program "Beltway Mob."

Rhonda: I'm tellin' you guys for the millionth time, there's nothing wrong with him, he's not sick or afraid or in a coma. He's just taking some time to be quiet and think. And the people like that.

(panelists are rapid-fire)

Panelist 1: I heard he was on a drug binge.

Panelist 2: Youthful indiscretions coming back to haunt him.

Panelist 3: Is he in a state of constant hallucination?

Rhonda: He's not … not … NOT involved in drugs in any way.

Panelist 2: You mean he's trying to quit?

Rhonda: The only thing Senator Spleen is trying to knock is the hyper-publicity thing. He's giving up YOU GUYS. Totally cold turkey.

(sfx: panelist hubub fade)

Dc: And Jennifer … what about Governor Burstyn?

Jennifer: Governor Dick Burstyn, Senator Spleen's opponent, was crying foul, saying this was "a stunt." But he's changed his approach.
Listen to this, from a rally last week in Sacramento.

(sfx: crowd)

Burstyn: I don't care if my opponent debates not! I feel like we've won!

(sfx: applause)

Because he's ignoring me. In politics, when someone ignores you, it means they're really paying attention! Because they're scared!

(sfx: applause)

So let me say this to Senator Spleen.
"If you're not scared, then pay attention to me and show me that you don't care." Otherwise, I'll go ahead and win in November. And I don't care where you are, what you're doing or who you're with. And this isn't a political not caring. This is REALLY not caring!

(sfx: applause)

Jennifer: My sources say Burstyn is going to the convention and does expect to win!

Dc: That's ridiculous. Who are your sources?

Jennifer: I can't tell you who they are. I have sources inside the Burstyn campaign, that's all I can say.

Dc: But what they told you is what they're saying in public, so … your sources aren't giving you anything special.

Jennifer: (icily) What … are you saying my sources are no good?

Dc: No … it's just that … in such a bizarre and secretive situation … I would expect your sources to have more revealing information.

Jennifer: Oh you would, would you? Well let me remind you that these are MY sources, not yours. MINE!

Dc: I just think you should push them a bit, that's all.

Jennifer: Maybe I AM pushing them!

Dc: You're right. Maybe you are.

Jennifer: Maybe I'm not, but what of it? Maybe I'm waiting for a bigger moment in the future, when I think there's going to be a real scoop.

Dc: Is that what you're doing?

Jennifer: I really can't comment. It's a first amendment thing.
I don't have to answer any of these questions.

Dc: You ARE our reporter on the story.

Jennifer: Put me in jail, then!

Dc: You're supposed to make this kind of stand when the government is trying to get information out of you … not your own employer.

Jennifer: Surely you're not telling me how to do my job! I AM a working journalist and you are just a talking head. Leo DiCaprio could do your job!

Dc: I think it's true what you said earlier about this story making the reporters testy.

Jennifer: Slap the handcuffs on me, then. I have nothing more to say.
From here on out, speak to my lawyer.

Dc: But Jennifer …

Bruce: (fade on) Hello there, I'm Bruce Baxter, Jennifer's lawyer. I'm sorry we'll have to call a halt to the questioning here. Because of the litigation.

Dc: Litigation?

Bruce: I'm sorry. No more questions.

Dc: Jennifer Hampster is covering the Burstyn-Spleen race in the Enough! Party!.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home