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by Brick Walters, 4/14/00

Dc: This is DCR, a news program that's reality free. It's the middle of April. Traditionally, this is tax time. Many people have been struggling with the obligatory paper work.
And speaking of obligations, we have a report from Brick Walters.

Brick: It's long been said that death and taxes are the only sure things.
Well, let's make that death, taxes, and tax day news coverage.
We always cover it. No one's ever happy about it.
This year, I drew the short straw. So Let's Go!
We're going to find out if there's anything worse than paying taxes!
(sfx: street)
I'm out here on a city street … pardon me … maam?

Passerby: Yes?

Brick: How do you feel about paying taxes?

Passerby: You're kidding, right?

Brick: No, this is the tax day story. I already know the answers but I have to ask anyway. Do you like paying taxes?

Passerby: Well no.

Brick: Is there anything worse than paying taxes?

Passerby: The dentist, maybe?

Brick: The dentist … thanks!

(sfx: street fade out)
(sfx: dentist's drill up and stops)

Ok, I'm in a dentist's office. Doctor, I talked to a person who said coming here is even worse than paying taxes. How does that make you feel?

Dentist: (very smooth, disinterested) Well that's just fine.
Let's open wide and have a look.

Brick: (mouth open wide) Ahhhh.

Dentist: Hmmm. Um hm … Have you been flossing?

Brick: Uh uh.

Dentist: These gums look very tender. I'll ask Marjorie to get you some floss and show you how to use it.

Brick: I know how to use floss.

Dentist: Not according to what I see here. I know it's unpleasant, but don't put it off, OK, or I'll have to audit your entire mouth.

Brick: Is there anything worse than paying taxes, Doctor?

Dentist: Yah, Uh huh. Sure.

Brick: Like what?

Dentist: Getting hit in the head with a baseball would be worse.
Say Ahhhhh.

(sfx: ballpark crowd)

Brick: All right, we're here at the ballpark. Sir? I'm here with a fan to find out what's worse than taxes. Anything come to mind?

Guy: Texas? Well, I'm pretty sure the Twins are worse than Texas, unless they start to get some pitching.

Brick: No, not TEXAS. TAXES!

Guy: Oh, Taxes!

Brick: Is there anything worse?

Guy: How about having to pay your taxes on the last day, sitting in your car waiting in line to hand your envelopes over to some poor overworked postal employee. No action. No beer … and no hope.

Brick: Good point, thanks.

(sfx: running engines)

I'm out in front of the post office here and the cars are lined up as far as I can see on down the street and around the corner.
I'm gonna see if somebody will talk to me here. Excuse me, maam?

Driver: Here you go. You'll get these in the mail for me, right?

Brick: I'm not with the post office, I'm with public radio news.

Driver: Oh, well OK. Here. You're with the government, aren't you?

Brick: No, no. Not really. I just want to ask you, though, if there's anything worse (to you) than paying your taxes like this.

Driver: You're here for Taxes? This is my census!

Brick: Sorry, I can't take that either.

Driver: And ttaxes are due TOO? (pause) (sigh) Gotta go ….

(sfx: car peels out)

Driver: (fade off) I'll be back …..

Brick: And so we have our answer. The only thing worse than paying taxes … is … being late paying taxes. Out in the field, I'm Brick Walters.

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