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with Leslie Generic, 4/21/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic.
A team of psychologists appointed by the Federal Reserve have reported back to Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan that, in their opinion, the financial markets are "manic depressive." Famed wellness expert B. Marty Barry headed the panel.

(sfx: cameras)

B. Marty: Some days the markets are way up. Some days they're down. Then up. Then down. On Monday they say "earnings are important." On Tuesday … nope. It's potential. They don't seem to know what they want or how they want to be, especially that pesky little NASDAQ. I think everybody associated with these markets should ask themselves … "Am I enabling this behavior?"

(sfx: cameras out)

Leslie: Market therapist B. Marty Barry. He and the panel recommend continued counseling for the Dow, the Nasdaq, and the poor Standard and Poor's 500.
Oil prices pushed the national trade deficit higher in February, as Americans continue to buy foreign-made goods at a remarkable rate.
In the House, Representative Alice Knotwell has proposed a national recovery program.

Rep: Knotwell: I asked myself … where did my shoes come from? China.
My dress is from Malaysia, my purse from Singapore. Everything I'm wearing came from overseas. Everything in my house …
I realized we don't make things in America anymore!
There's only one thing we make that the world wants. Americans! We're the world's leading producer of Americans. And Americans consume all these goods the other countries are making! So let's do an OPEC! Let's threaten to cut production of Americans, and make our trading partners beg!

Leslie: House member Alice Knotwell.
The states continue a slow process of redefining the legal parameters of marriage. Vermont took action on same sex marriages this week, and now Nevada has approved a new category of relationship called a "Contradicting Symbiosis." Participants in a "CS" are entitled to revise each other's statements and disparage each other's opinions just as married people do, but they do not enjoy the other legal benefits of marriage. Hugh Jeeter and Sara Dippity have been lobbying for the new legislation for the past five years.

Hugh: We're really happy this is finally going through.

Sara: Not happy. That's not what you meant.

Hugh: Yes I did.

Sara: Happy's the wrong word. Relieved.

Hugh: (annoyed) Ok. I guess we're relieved, then.

Sara: We've been in limbo … it's been torture.

Hugh: Not torture. Torture's serious. But it HAS been uncomfortable.

Sara: (hurt) It felt like torture to me.

Leslie: Nevada officials say thousands of couples have expressed an interest in entering a formal state of "Contradicting Symbiosis," although since the state started to keep records virtually every pair on the list have changed their minds at least once.

The US Supreme Court ruled this week that a bus passenger who put his luggage in an overhead rack had his privacy violated when police squeezed the bags in a search for drugs.
By a 7-to-2 vote, the justices ruled that the man been subject to an unreasonable search under the Fourth Amendment. The decision was both praised and condemned. On the "pro" side, John Stash of the Independent Narcotic Transport Association.

Stash: It's a short step from being a baggage "handler" to being a baggage "feeler." I think it's pathetic the way some people grope other people's carry-ons. That whole thing with Mr. Whipple and the toilet paper got America started on a "squeeze mania." The court was right to crack down on this perversion.

Leslie: Against the ruling, Darcy Blows of the Sensitive Mothers' Council.

Darcy: Will this ruling allow me to squeeze my child's backpack when she comes home from school? Is it still OK to tell, with one firm touch, if my son removed the carrots from his lunch bag?
And what about the week leading up to Christmas? Is the court really saying my kids can't crawl under the tree to feel all the packages? This is an intrusion!

Leslie: Darcy Blows of the Sensitive Mothers.

The arrest this week of a young hacker in connection with the attack earlier this year against several prominent Internet web sites has led to a decision by many local police departments to collect profiling information on e-criminals. Lawrence Arabia is the Sheriff of Omar, Nebraska.

Sheriff: If you're a white teenager who doesn't know how to dress, we'll be watching you. If you've got a computer in the basement and you go there to eat pizza and download MP3 files, we'll be watching.
If you only time you see the light of day is when you hit the street to connect with all these losers peddling memory and access codes on the street corner, we're going to be there looking over your shoulder.

Leslie: Omar Sheriff Larry Arabia.
And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

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