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Dc: This is DCR, an enhanced reality program. We are about to hear a special live statement from Senator Sam Spleen's presidential campaign. The Enough! Party is expected to give Spleen it's nomination in June but for the past month the Senator has been almost invisible. There have been quite a few rumors circulating, and pressure has been building to put the rumors to rest. With me in the studio are reporter Jennifer Hampster, who has been covering the Enough! Party process
Jennifer: I'm still not talking to you. I'm only here because of the contract.
Dc: And our senior political analyst, Bud Buck.
Bud: I came for the donuts.
Dc: Do either of you have any advance information on this?
Jennifer: The statement will be issued by Senator Spleen himself. I've been told he will "speak from the heart."
Bud: I think he'll speak from his mouth, NOT his heart. Otherwise, I have no predictions.
Dc: And I understand the live statement from the Spleen campaign is being fed right now.
(sfx: outdoor, summer morning under throughout)
Spleen: Greetings, My Fellow Americans. I'm speaking to you from an
which I will not reveal. I have taken refuge
here to collect my thoughts and prepare myself for the difficult task
(sfx: propeller plane fly by w/ backfire) (hollywood pe22 cut 46)
Anyone who asks to be your president will have to face the toughest
scrutiny and endure the most trying circumstances that any politician
any human, even
is ever asked to endure.
(sfx: rooster crows) (hollywood pe 2 cut 15)
I have been asked if I will become "a crusader for privacy."
And I say "sure." "Why not?" Let's make privacy
a priority, starting with my own.
And to my opponents who call me a coward and a weakling, I say
To my family I say I'm sorry to be so crabby and so gone, all the time. But if things work out and I AM elected president, the job comes with great food for everybody, all the time, and lots of people to do the chores, so quit your complaining, especially you, my dearest Marsha, and our darling daughter Venta. Specifically to my son Philip, I say get your fingers out of there, and wash your hands.
(sfx: car drive by in bg, horn honk)
And finally, to the American people, I say
don't believe the
bad things you hear about me. I'm not perfect, but you could do a lot
worse. Just look around.
(sfx: moose call) (hollywood pe 2 cut 63)
With me in the studio are two of our reporters
who has been covering the Enough! Party campaign.
Jennifer: This will put the speculation to rest.
Bud: (aside) No it won't.
Jennifer: (continues) All the talk about Spleen being in a coma, having
his brain in a jar, or being a captive of feminist Amazon survivalists
Bud: I'd like to hear more about that last one.
Jennifer: This was a purely political move. Polls show Governor Burstyn gaining ground, filling the vacuum, so Spleen had to explain his not talking. Now that he's clearly said why he's been so silent he can re-disappear until the convention.
Dc: Will this stop Burstyn?
Jennifer: We'll see. Now he's given the media a lengthy clip they can
cut up for their stories about the Enough! Party contest.
Bud: I think the Senator has cracked up.
Jennifer: I disagree. This was very shrewd move.
Bud: This is gasoline thrown on the fire. Speculation will run rampant.
Dc: I don't see how you can say that, Bud.
Jennifer: I think he made a very good case for himself.
Bud: What kind of plane was it?
Dc: What plane?
Bud: Early in the statement there was a propeller plane flying by. It sounded low, that means he's near an airport. Which one?
Jennifer: That wasn't the point of the speech.
Bud: He started by saying he wasn't going to say where he was. That's
going to be the point of the speech. Nothing else matters.
Dc: I did hear a rooster.
Bud: Roosters crow in the morning. But if it's morning and the announcement was live what part of the world does that put him in?
Dc: It just means that he's traveling.
Bud: Reporting to his foreign masters?
Jennifer: You can't make that kind of accusation! Without proof!
Bud: It's already being made on the Internet. Look here's the Dredge Report. Sly Dredge says "Spleen Spends Spring with Special Sponsors."
Jennifer: That's ludicrous. You can't repeat that.
Bud: Sure I can. I'm not making the accusation. I'm reporting it.
Dc: And that traffic! Those cars almost sounded like old East German or Soviet models.
Bud: Yes, maybe he's time traveling.
Jennifer: You can't say that!
Bud: Sure I can. It's already being discussed on an X-files fan site.
Jennifer: I thought maybe that was his stomach.
Bud: Or the Loch Ness Monster. It's being said that Spleen has found it. Or else the beast is his master.
Jennifer: You can't
Bud: Sure I can. There's already been a picture posted. See? There's the Loch Ness Monster, and there's Spleen.
Dc: Wow. Speculation at the speed of light.
Jennifer: And who's this here?
Bud: Chairman Mao, still swimming.
Dc: Senior political analyst and Internet rumor monger Bud Buck, and reporter Jennifer Hampster, following the Burstyn - Spleen race in the Enough! Party.