SPLEEN STATEMENT
by Jennifer Hampster, 4/21/00

Dc: This is DCR, an enhanced reality program. We are about to hear a special live statement from Senator Sam Spleen's presidential campaign. The Enough! Party is expected to give Spleen it's nomination in June … but for the past month the Senator has been almost invisible. There have been quite a few rumors circulating, and pressure has been building to put the rumors to rest. With me in the studio are reporter Jennifer Hampster, who has been covering the Enough! Party process …

Jennifer: I'm still not talking to you. I'm only here because of the contract.

Dc: And our senior political analyst, Bud Buck.

Bud: I came for the donuts.

Dc: Do either of you have any advance information on this?

Jennifer: The statement will be issued by Senator Spleen himself. I've been told he will "speak from the heart."

Dc: Bud?

Bud: I think he'll speak from his mouth, NOT his heart. Otherwise, I have no predictions.

Dc: And I understand the live statement from the Spleen campaign is being fed right now.

(sfx: outdoor, summer morning under throughout)

Spleen: Greetings, My Fellow Americans. I'm speaking to you from an undisclosed location … which I will not reveal. I have taken refuge here to collect my thoughts and prepare myself for the difficult task ahead.
I have no illusions about the challenge.

(sfx: propeller plane fly by w/ backfire) (hollywood pe22 cut 46)

Anyone who asks to be your president will have to face the toughest scrutiny and endure the most trying circumstances that any politician … any human, even … is ever asked to endure.
It is right and proper that it should be this way.
But as questions arise concerning my whereabouts and the bitter and defeated line up to criticize me for not being available to the press, I hope you'll take a different view.
The fact that I am incommunicado does not make me insincere or inconsiderate.
The fact that I am out of reach does not make me out of touch.
The fact that I am "lying low," does not make me a liar, or loathsome, no matter what my enemies say.

(sfx: rooster crows) (hollywood pe 2 cut 15)

I have been asked if I will become "a crusader for privacy." And I say "sure." "Why not?" Let's make privacy a priority, starting with my own.
I ask for your patience and your blessings as I take time to "take inventory."

And to my opponents who call me a coward and a weakling, I say …
"I'm rubber, you're glue. It bounces off me and sticks to you!"

To my family I say … I'm sorry to be so crabby and so … gone, all the time. But if things work out and I AM elected president, the job comes with great food for everybody, all the time, and lots of people to do the chores, so quit your complaining, especially you, my dearest Marsha, and our darling daughter Venta. Specifically to my son Philip, I say … get your fingers out of there, and wash your hands.

(sfx: car drive by in bg, horn honk)
(hollywood pe 29 cut 36 (drive by) and cut 79 (horn)

And finally, to the American people, I say … don't believe the bad things you hear about me. I'm not perfect, but you could do a lot worse. Just look around.
That's what I'm doing. I'm looking around. I'm thinking. And I'm keeping my mouth shut - except for right now. And if those are qualities you want in a president, then maybe I should be your choice, in November.
Thank you, God Bless you, and be kind to animals.

(sfx: moose call) (hollywood pe 2 cut 63)
(sfx: outdoor summer morning fade out)

With me in the studio are two of our reporters … Jennifer Hampster, who has been covering the Enough! Party campaign.
And our senior political analyst, Bud Buck.
What do you make of this? Jennifer?

Jennifer: This will put the speculation to rest.

Bud: (aside) No it won't.

Jennifer: (continues) All the talk about Spleen being in a coma, having his brain in a jar, or being a captive of feminist Amazon survivalists …
obviously it's not true.

Bud: I'd like to hear more about that last one.

Jennifer: This was a purely political move. Polls show Governor Burstyn gaining ground, filling the vacuum, so Spleen had to explain his not talking. Now that he's clearly said why he's been so silent he can re-disappear until the convention.

Dc: Will this stop Burstyn?

Jennifer: We'll see. Now he's given the media a lengthy clip they can cut up for their stories about the Enough! Party contest.
So we shouldn't see any more reports that feature just Governor Burstyn.

Dc: Bud?

Bud: I think the Senator has cracked up.

Jennifer: I disagree. This was very shrewd move.

Bud: This is gasoline thrown on the fire. Speculation will run rampant.

Dc: I don't see how you can say that, Bud.

Jennifer: I think he made a very good case for himself.

Bud: What kind of plane was it?

Dc: What plane?

Bud: Early in the statement there was a propeller plane flying by. It sounded low, that means he's near an airport. Which one?

Jennifer: That wasn't the point of the speech.

Bud: He started by saying he wasn't going to say where he was. That's going to be the point of the speech. Nothing else matters.
What about the rooster?

Dc: I did hear a rooster.

Bud: Roosters crow in the morning. But if it's morning … and the announcement was live … what part of the world does that put him in?

Dc: It just means that he's … traveling.

Bud: Reporting to his foreign masters?

Jennifer: You can't make that kind of accusation! Without proof!

Bud: It's already being made on the Internet. Look … here's the Dredge Report. Sly Dredge says "Spleen Spends Spring with Special Sponsors."

Jennifer: That's ludicrous. You can't repeat that.

Bud: Sure I can. I'm not making the accusation. I'm reporting it.

Dc: And that traffic! Those cars almost sounded like old East German or Soviet models.

Bud: Yes, maybe he's time traveling.

Jennifer: You can't say that!

Bud: Sure I can. It's already being discussed on an X-files fan site.
And what sort of beast was that yowling at the end of the statement?

Jennifer: I thought maybe that was his stomach.

Bud: Or the Loch Ness Monster. It's being said that Spleen has found it. Or else the beast is his master.

Jennifer: You can't …

Bud: Sure I can. There's already been a picture posted. See? There's the Loch Ness Monster, and there's Spleen.

Dc: Wow. Speculation at the speed of light.

Jennifer: And who's this here?

Bud: Chairman Mao, still swimming.

Dc: Senior political analyst and Internet rumor monger Bud Buck, and reporter Jennifer Hampster, following the Burstyn - Spleen race in the Enough! Party.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home