CUTE / NOT CUTE
by Dale Connelly, 4/28/00

Dc: This is DCR, a news program that's reality free. It's been a big week for child development experts. Just about anyone with any kind of degree in the field has been able to get an interview on TV or radio or in the newspaper, and sometimes all three. One of the experts in demand has been our living and loving correspondent and a man who is a bottomless well of wellness, B. Marty Barry. Thanks for making time for us.

(sfx: winding up clock, ticking)

Bmb: I have just a few minutes. Barbara Walters has asked for me again, so … the timer's running!

Dc: I thought you worked with adults. I didn't know you were a child development expert.

Bmb: I do work with adults. Exclusively.

Dc: And you don't even have children.

Bmb: I don't think a person with children should try to be a child development expert. Certainly not with my schedule of interviews and press conferences. Not to mention the seminars and the book signings.

Dc: And writing the books too.

Bmb: Yes, even that takes a little time. A parent who was trying to do this … wouldn't have any energy left for parenting. And parenting is the most important job there is, even though there's no money in it.

Dc: So you don't work with children?

Bmb: In a sense I do, but now they drive their own cars and have cell phones. Everything goes back to childhood. In a real sense, it's never over.

Dc: So … you're saying we can't tell anything from a child's behavior? We have to wait and see the adult?

Bmb: Adults are easier to judge. The cuteness of children is confusing.
For instance, there was that story about the seven year old who took his sisters' car and drove three miles to the store so he could get his favorite cereal.

Dc: I remember that. He got lots of press.

Bmb: A seven year old driving a car!

Dc: It's cute.

Bmb: Well, not really, it's not.

Dc: He got a free year's supply of cereal and a bike in the bargain.

Bmb: Yes, we are constantly sending the wrong message to children … If you act like an adult and are unarmed, it's cute and we'll forgive you.
We, as adults, have to set a standard for what's cute and not cute.

Dc: How do we do that?

Bmb: I've made a list.
Playing dress up - cute.
Acting like a supermodel - not cute.
Going out with Hugh Hefner - really not cute.
Using big words - cute.
Using four letter words - not cute.
Running a make believe store. Cute.
Holding up a store, not cute.
Singing off key is cute.
Ripping off the keys is not cute.
Stealing the car - not cute.
Driving a little shopping cart at the grocery store - cute.
Driving the stolen car to the shopping mall - not cute.
Going to the zoo - cute.
Shooting up the zoo - not cute.
Shooting up at the zoo - not cute.

(sfx: timer bell and ticking stop)

We all should really know these without thinking. It's sad that I have to say anything at all.

Dc: But why do people …

Bmb: Sorry, gotta go! Mail me my check, OK?

Dc: Your check?

Bmb: That's not cute. Remember to tell your listeners, even though I've never met any of them, I care about each and every one very, very, very, very much. Gotta go!

(sfx: footsteps off mic)

Dc: B. Marty Barry is a licensed therapist, our living and loving correspondent …

(sfx: door open and close)

… and a bottomless well of wellness.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home