NEWSCAST
with Leslie Generic, 4/28/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic. The Justice Department has asked a federal judge to break software giant Microsoft into two equal parts, an evil part and a good one. Justice department spokesman Keith Bluffing.

Bluffing: The rationale is simple. We don't want to stifle the growing technical sector. So if the judge divides the company as good and evil siblings, if you will, we can support the good half and keep on attacking the evil twin until it's weakened and possibly destroyed. Just like a Godzilla movie.

Leslie: As a condition of the proposed arrangement, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates would devote his left brain to one company, and his right brain to the other. In other economic news, consumer confidence remained steady last month, but national service industry researchers say Consumer Veracity is slipping. Justine Few is a surveyor for Shakey Polling.

Few: Remember the time when the customer was "always right?" A lot of people accepted that, but we looked at it scientifically. We quizzed over 900 customers in 35 different stores and found out more than half the time … about 58%, the customer is WRONG!
Were we surprised! What dopes!

Leslie: Marketing experts say it doesn't hurt retailers to have customers who are frequently wrong, but for long term growth strategies, it is important to know who you're dealing with.

Three busloads of seniors left Minneapolis today on the nation's first organized prescription drug buying tour of Canada. Millie Perkins was a member of the tour.

(sfx: bus running)

Millie: I'm SO looking forward to it. We go straight to Winnipeg to load up on pain killers, and then it's off to the wonderful drug stores of Toronto!
I've heard such great things about them, especially when it comes to ointments and caplets. Then we'll spend two glorious days visiting the bilingual pharmacies of Montreal! They have a special flair for interpreting a doctor's handwriting … it's an art!

(sfx: bus running fade out)

Leslie: Future Overseas Pharmacy tours are planned for Mexico, Columbia, and China, where they are said to have "a great Walgreens."

The Supreme Court heard arguments this week concerning whether or not the Boy Scouts can bar gay men from being troop leaders.
Camping on the capital grounds, Eagle Scout Bubby Spamden says the issue has already received too much attention.

(sfx: campfire)

Bubby: Well, it's not a big deal, you know? On one hand, I can see where it would be kinda good, like with the food, for instance. We're always cooking burgers and brats over the campfire, but it would be cool to have a leader who can show us how to do some nice pasta dishes with fresh ingredients. And maybe we can accessorize some with the uniforms.

Leslie: There's another fairy tale in the news. From Fashion Gap, Forest Grimm Reports.

Forest: In a very unusual procession yesterday afternoon, the Emperor paraded in front of the whole village … naked! It seems the monarch was hoodwinked by a couple of out of town tailors who claimed they had crafted a fine new suit that was so lightweight, only wise people could see it!
Angela Golly was an eyewitness!

Angela: We were surprised. But we pretended everything was OK because we didn't want to embarrass him. Frankly, once you got over the initial shock of it being the emperor and all … it was just another naked guy.
Not very interesting.

Brick: The scoundrels apparently counted on people being afraid to state the obvious, for fear they'd be considered fools! It worked on almost everyone … except one brave little child who did not have the vanity to deceive herself concerning the spectacle that was unfolding before her.

Child: I said … "Hey, that Emperor guy's got no clothes on!" My dad told me to shut up, but … people started to agree with me.

Forest: So what did you learn?

Child: I dunno.

Forest: That it pays to speak your mind?

Child: I guess.

Forest: And that's how one brave little child exposed the foolishness of a whole village full of adults.

Child: Hey, mister, you've got something hanging out of your nose!

Forest: Forest Grimm … Fashion Gap!

Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home