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Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic.
(sfx: pandemonium w/ burning)
Chuck: Distraught TV addicts pushed their recliners into the street and set them ablaze when an ongoing dispute about fees led Time Warner to block it's cable subscribers' access to Disney/ABC programming on Monday.
Protester 1: I wanna be a millionaire! I'm gonna be a millionaire!
Chuck: Even though the connection was restored one day later, observers say the uprising marks a turning point in cable TV's relationship with it's public. This protester agreed.
Protester 2: Until this disaster happened I had no idea I could clip a coat hanger to my TV set and get a signal from TV networks OVER THE AIR! Incredible! No wires at all!
Chuck: Are you gonna go back to cable?
Protester 2: No!
Chuck: Why not?
Protester 2: Can't afford it! Got to buy a new recliner, mine's on fire!
Chuck: Chuck Upchurch, New York City!
Leslie: Las Vegas odds makers have suspended wagering on the rise and fall of the Dow Jones industrial average and the Nasdaq composite index. This bookie, who asked not to be identified, said the risk was too great.
Bookie: It's too unpredictable. It goes up, it goes down. There's no sense to the thing. As a gambler, I want my money in something safe, like horses or baseball games.
Leslie: Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is not saying if he will recommend an interest rate increase to offset inflation. He also has refused to take a position on the shape of the Earth and the reliability of gravity.
This week the Clinton administration announced a series of steps intended
to assure the public of the safety of biotech foods. Starting immediately,
all new gene-altered foods will be served at meal time in the House
of Representatives dining room.
Pete: We're not going to label them, or make a big fuss over it. Americans want to know the products are safe, so we'll just serve the food and watch. If House members get sick or begin acting strangely, the FDA will intervene. But remember the majority of House members are Republicans, so we have to take that into account.
Leslie: Poindexter said the dining room for the Executive branch will continue to use standard food, as a "control" group in this food experiment.
In the Elliot Gunderson case this week, the American boy's Paris relatives
filed a petition with the French courts asking that Elliot's father,
Michael, be prohibited from filling the boy's pockets with trashy souvenirs
and "phony French junk," like those tacky little black felt
Michael: I'm his father, and if I want to fill his pockets with tacky junk, that's my right! I'm gonna get him an Eiffel tower paperweight, an Eiffel Tower pencil sharpener, and an Eiffel Tower key chain and there's nothing they can do to stop me! The more they complain, the more junk I'll get! My kid is NOT a snob!
Leslie: Celebrated custodial parent Michael Gunderson.
Cameron: The most important work a society does is still to raise children.
One of the biggest casualties of modern life is family time.
(sfx: reporter hubub up)
Oh gosh, look at the time! Sorry sorry, I'd love to stay, but I've got to get my daughter to soccer practice. And swim lessons! No questions!
(sfx: reporter hubub down)
Leslie: Federal Quality time administrator, Cam Corder.
There's another fairy tale in the news. Forrest Grimm reports.
Forrest: City building authorities have taken the unusual step of closing a local castle for failure to meet ordinances for easy ingress and egress. The castle, owned by an unidentified "enchantress," has a tall tower for which there are no usable stairs. It's said the "enchantress" kept her adopted daughter at the top of the tower for years! Teresa Perm is the fire marshal.
Teresa: We found out the homeowner would enter the tower by calling "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let down your hair!" The daughter (Rapunzel), would wind her hair around a hook and then drop the loose end to the ground. And the "enchantress" or whoever would scramble up. Instead of a stairway, it was a "hairway." Not only did this violate the fire code, it makes really bad split ends.
Forrest: Rapunzel was removed from the tower with a fire department
hook and ladder truck, and the building was condemned. The castle can
only be re-opened if repairs are made to provide proper access, including
an elevator for the handicapped.
Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.