VANISHING SPLEEN
by Dale Connelly, 5/5/00

Dc: This is DCR, a news program not to be believed.
Senator Sam Spleen has become the first presidential candidate in history to disappear for more than two months during a campaign.
His vanishing act has brought him more attention, press and otherwise, than he would have received otherwise as a member of a third party.
The Enough! Party's official line has been that the Senator is spending quality time with himself, mentally preparing for an arduous run in the general election after the party's June convention.
But now critics are saying the whole thing is a ruse, and Senator Spleen is lying low because his staff doesn't trust him to speak in public.
Tamara Henry is an independent producer who says she has unlocked the Spleen mystery. Thanks for coming in.

Tamara: Thank you, it's wonderful to see you again. Smashing.

Dc: That's right, you've been on our show before, to talk about those deceptive "issue ads."

Tamara: I've produced "issue ads" so I know how to use media to manipulate. But I do hate it when people use media badly, and that's what's happening here with Senator Spleen.

Dc: You're talking about the event two weeks ago, where the Senator issued a so-called "statement" from his "retreat."

Tamara: Yes. It was presented as an "impromptu" and "heartfelt" communication with the American people about his intentions … But if you listen carefully to the recording, you'll notice there's nothing impromptu about it.

Dc: Well, let's listen, and you say "stop" when you want to explain something.

(sfx: outdoor, summer morning under throughout)

Spleen: Greetings, My Fellow Americans. I'm speaking to you from an undisclosed location … which I will not reveal.

Tamara: Stop!

Dc: Already?

Tamara: The sounds that you're hearing … the out of doors with the birds chirping … it's calculated to give a "natural" or "rural" ambiance that's very appealing to the voters. Now let's continue, and listen for the airplane.

I have taken refuge here to collect my thoughts and prepare myself for the difficult task ahead.
I have no illusions about the challenge.

(sfx: propeller plane fly by w/ backfire) (hollywood pe22 cut 46)

But as questions arise concerning my whereabouts…

Tamara: Stop! Do you recognize the plane?

Dc: Uh … no.

Tamara: It's a 1920's four cylinder bi-wing Icarus World Beater. A classic plane, only flown at air shows today.

Dc: You're saying Senator Spleen was at an air show?

Tamara: Not at all. I'm saying this sound was chosen. It's from a time when the world was being transformed by technology … much as it is today, but the antique plane takes us back to a simpler, more innocent time.
With this sound, the Senator is trying to appear to be both modern and old fashioned at the same time. All right.

The fact that I am incommunicado does not make me insincere or inconsiderate.
The fact that I am out of reach does not make me out of touch.
The fact that I am "lying low," does not make me a liar, or loathsome, no matter what my enemies say.

(sfx: rooster crows) (hollywood pe 2 cut 15)

And to my opponents who call me a coward and a weakling, I say …
"Nyah, nyah, nyah!"

Tamara: Stop!

Dc: The rooster!

Tamara: This is a play for the farm vote, pure and simple.

Dc: Well he should get credit for that, shouldn't he? At least he had to go out to the farm to set this up, and that's a good faith effort!

Tamara: No he didn't. The rooster is Curtis, a well known entertainment rooster who's in several of the major sound effects collections used in TV, radio and movie studios all over the world.

Dc: I thought Curtis was a chicken.

Tamara: He can play a chicken. That's how good he is.

Dc: You're kidding.

Tamara: I happen to have one of his recordings right here … listen.

(sfx: rooster alone (hollywood pe 2 cut 15))

Dc: Let's listen to the Spleen statement again.

The fact that I am "lying low," does not make me a liar, or loathsome, no matter what my enemies say.

(sfx: rooster crows) (hollywood pe 2 cut 15)

And to my opponents who call me a coward and a weakling, I say …

Dc: Wow! That's the same rooster! So …

Tamara: He did this in a professional recording studio, probably in a city somewhere. But the idea is to present something very rural, very "rooted."

Dc: There was an animal sound at the end of the statement too, right?

Tamara: Yes there was. This is fascinating. Listen.

Spleen: Thank you, God Bless you, and be kind to animals.

(sfx: moose call) (hollywood pe 2 cut 63)
(sfx: outdoor summer morning fade out)

Dc: It sounds like he's sitting right by the fence and there's a cow there in the field, but you say he's actually in a recording studio?

Tamara: And that's not all. Somebody made a major goof. This is the sort of thing that happens when campaign professionals, political type people who have only lived in the city, try to "countrify" a candidate.
Let's hear that ending again!

Spleen: Thank you, God Bless you, and be kind to animals.

(sfx: moose call) (hollywood pe 2 cut 63)
(sfx: outdoor summer morning fade out)

Dc: And there's the cow.

Tamara: It's not a cow. It's a moose!
Someone got confused.

Dc: Are you sure?

Tamara: Of course!

Dc: So what you're saying is … this whole thing is a ruse?

Tamara: No, it's a moose!

Dc: A moose, yes. But the whole Spleen announcement, is fake?

Tamara: Exactly.

Dc: The campaign made this up to fool people into thinking he's on a "retreat" somewhere pristine, when in fact he's in the city under the careful control of political operatives and media producers who are expert at hoodwinking the public?

Tamara: Yes, yes, yes, but I would take issue with two words you used. "Expert" and "careful." This effort is neither. The sounds prove it.

Dc: Thanks, Tamara. Tamara Henry, an independent producer of issue advertising and other sorts of media deceptions, analyzing the Senator Spleen statement issued a few weeks ago.
And on the line with us now is Spleen campaign manager Rhonda Alonzo.
Ms. Alonzo … you heard what Ms. Henry had to say …

Rhonda: (on phone) I … uh … I can't hear you! Hello?

Dc: Hello? Rhonda?

Rhonda: Who would have figured it would be so LOUD out here in rural America, far from the corrupting influence of the big cities? Just the COWS alone …

(sfx: in background, men (obviously) mooing)

Dc: Rhonda? Hello?

Rhonda: And now the simple, good hearted people …the salt of the earth, are starting to…thresh the wheat! And the Senator is rolling up his sleeves.

Dc: Is he there with you now, Rhonda? On the farm?

Rhonda: I've never seen him so happy. He's helping a … a sheep give birth to one of it's lambs. Oh how wonderful, but … he's calling for hot towels and fresh newspaperes. I have to go … now. Good bye!

Dc: Rhonda Alonzo, manager of Senator Spleen's campaign to get the Enough! Party nomination for president.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home