TRIAL BALLOON
Commentary, 5/5/00

Dc: It's time for "Trial Balloon," a commentary on the issues of the day.
This week's we hear from Edward Elmo, President of SCREECH. The Serious Citizens Resolved to Enable and Effectively Change Highways.

Elmo: Thank you. I applaud Governor Ventura for his veto of the "Keep Right' legislation that would have set up road signs every fifty miles reminding slower drivers to stay out of the left lane!
Clearing the left lane will not solve our problems.
We have to be aggressive about radical road reform.
My group … SCREECH! has a five point program.
First - Get rid of "the sane lane."
Why? There are simply NOT enough sane people on the road today to justify it. Let's stop pretending.
Number two - speed limits. They're a joke. Eliminate them. No one will notice.
Point three - Deregulate the automotive and undertaking industries. Allow funeral homes to sell cars. Let car dealers sell coffins. Only an idiot would miss the connection.
Item four - Commission the pinball industry to design new guard rails.
And number five - keep score and give prizes.
Stop making the State Patrol punish people.
Turn those maroon cruisers into "prizemobiles" and make them reward
good behavior. If you thought by driving safely and co-operatively there was even a small chance you'd get pulled over so a smiling trooper could give you cash, trips, cars, luxury items … perhaps a lovely gift certificate for two to the upscale restaurant of your choice … I believe your habits would change for the better!
Call me a nut, but I had to say it.
That's my Trial Balloon. I'm Edward Elmo.

Dc: The Trial Balloon is made possible by the Chattering Institute, an idea center for those who can only think "out loud."
It's safe to have your say … at the Chattering Institute.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home