NEWSCAST
with Leslie Generic, 5/12/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic.
Serious crime is down for the 8th year in a row.
Conservatives say the reduction is due to stiffer punishment and tougher enforcement.
Liberals say social programs have made the difference.
Demographers say it's demographics.
But some say serious crime is down because funny crime is up.
Stu Forden, warden of the San Diablo Prison, says funny crimes now bring more attention than serious ones.

Stu: You come in here and you're a murderer … big deal! Join the club! Violent assault, grand larceny, nobody is impressed. But dumb robbery … there's prestige! Like the guys who stood outside with their guns drawn and their ski masks on … waiting for the bank to open! (laughs) Yeah, those guys are here! They're stars! I've met 'em!

Leslie: Warden Stu Forden, who has issued a plea to TV producers to keep broadcasting dumb criminal stories, so delinquent youth will have constructive role models.
Marchers marched in Washington today to protest Washington being overmarched upon. Zelda Plowright reports.

Zelda: As with the Million man march, the million mom march and the million mutt march, the capitol mall is a lightning rod for large groups of people with a cause. Today, Marchers Mad about Marching marched to say marchers marching on Washington wear out the national attention span and trample the national grass on the national mall.
Barb Holler coordinated the demonstration.

(sfx: large crowd)

Barb: We're here to say this is our mall too, and we're marching to say it looks great without thousands and thousands of people cluttering it up.
I mean, look at it. You can't tell right now, but without people, it's beautiful. They leave tons of trash. They stop traffic.

(sfx: horn honking)

Zelda: (questioning) But what about free speech?

Barb: Traffic is speech. If traffic can't move, it's message is silenced. Even though it gets louder! And that's not right!

Zelda: At the pinnacle of their protest, the anti-march marchers chained themselves to tourist busses and were very slowly led away.
Zelda Plowright, Washington.

Leslie: An alignment of the Sun, the Moon and the five brightest planets with the Earth has arrived without the disasters predicted by some doomsayers. Alarmists say the tightest alignment since 1962 of Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn and Earth's moon will cause tidal waves and earthquakes during the next few weeks.
Reginald Poppycock, author of the book "The May 2000 Apocalypse" now says he'll be happy if none of the disasters he predicted actually occur.

Poppycock: Basically, all the copies of "The May 2000 Apocalypse" that I'm going to sell have already sold. If the Earth flies apart, my readers will believe me to be a genius and a prophet, but alas, we'll all be dead. Not very satisfying to my way of thinking. If, however the world holds together, I will be scorned as an alarmist lunatic who cheated thousands. But … I get to spend the money. And that is a beautiful outcome.

Leslie: Disaster author Reginald Poppycock.
The computer virus that started last week as "The Love Bug" has changed as it travels from computer to computer around the world.
In it's initial form, the virus appeared as an e-mail message titled "I Love You." It then mutated into a message that said "Marry me." Shortly afterwards, the virus became "Let's Have Children," and then in rapid succession "Who Was That I Saw You With," "Stay Away From Me," and "I Hate You." Today, computer users are being cautioned to avoid any e-mails titled "Your Things are In The Street."

The National Big Storms Administration has presented it's annual preview of the upcoming Hurricane Season. Louie B. Mogul is the spokesman.

Louie: We've got a line of Blockbusters scheduled from July all the way through October. One after another … hard hitting behemoths with lots of wind, lots of water. Questions?

Reporter 1: Louie, will there be destruction?

Louie: There's gonna be destruction, oh, you bet.

Reporter 2: Critics have said the Hurricane season is creatively dead. Why is it always the same thing over and over?

Louie: (combative) What, you have a better idea?

Reporter 2: Well, why can't there be more sensitive, misty rains?

Reporter 1: How about gossamer light mornings that dawn as gently as a baby's kiss?

Louie: I'm sure some people prefer a misty rain. Everyone likes babies. But our real competition is the monsoon season, the tornado season, typhoons and earthquakes.
We can't go up against that with this goo-goo stuff you're talking about.
Hurricanes are successful when they follow the formula. We want this to be a successful season.

Leslie: Louie B. Mogul of the National Big Storms Administration.
He says he would like ALL of this year's hurricanes to be named "Julia."
And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home