SPLEEN FRAUD
by Dale Connelly, 5/12/00

Dc: The Enough! Party is still reeling from the accusation, leveled for the first time on this show one week ago that the recent statement by Senator Spleen regarding his reasons for dropping out of sight, is a fraud.
Freelance media manipulator Tamara Henry said her analysis of the Spleen tape revealed the use of canned, commonly available sound effects, and carefully chosen sound "triggers' designed to mislead the public.
The accusation was picked up by Senator Spleen's primary opponent, Governor Dick Burstyn, who is with us in the studio now. Governor?

Burstyn: Let me first commend you and your staff and the exquisite Tamara Henry for getting to the bottom of this deception. It was an act of bravery to challenge the raw power of a sitting US Senator.
Not everyone would do it.

Dc: I take it you're not here to endorse Senator Spleen.

Burstyn: Of course not! I'm here to insist that he take his medicine!
Ms. Henry conclusively proved that Senator Spleen was not at an "undisclosed location" "renewing" himself for the general election, but in fact was in a recording studio located in the heart of some thriving metropolis somewhere. He was PRETENDING to be out among the ordinary people when in fact he was NOT!
Is this cynical manipulator the sort of man we want as our president?
A liar and a cheat?

Dc: Don't you think that takes it a bit far, Governor?

Burstyn: No, not at all! He's pretending! Imagine going on the radio before literally … dozens … of trusting citizens and laying something out as the truth when in fact it's ludicrous and a vile falsehood!
I find that despicable! What sort of person would do that?

Dc: It's not THAT bad, if the purpose …

Burstyn: Oh yes it is. It's a perversion. The thought that someone would twist the news for their own amusement is sacrilege. And anti-American!

Dc: Oh, I don't know …

Burstyn: News was never meant for amusement! Ever!

Dc: Well, it's not as …

Burstyn: And YOU should be offended, Dave! It's your industry that's being mocked. Your industry. Your political discourse. Your country! If you'll stand for this abomination, what WON'T you stand for?

Dc: My perspective on this …

Burstyn: Great scott, man! If he can get away with making up this statement … what can we believe? Who's to say anything is real? Maybe you're not real! Maybe I'm not!

(pause)

Dc: What do you think should happen next?

Burstyn: Senator Spleen must show his face … sooner, not later. Stop with the games, the cash reward, all that nonsense. The Senator needs to come OFF the phony farm!
Let's debate the issues, one on one, ahead of the convention!

Dc: On the line with us is Spleen's campaign manager, Rhonda Alonzo … Rhonda? Thanks for joining us!

(sfx: more animal sounds)

Rhonda: (phone) Hello? It's hard to hear you through the cacophony of the natural creatures out here in the pristine open spaces, where we are staying to regenerate our strength for the arduous battle ahead.

Burstyn: Oh, knock it off, Rhonda! The game is up!

Rhonda: Dale, is that you?

Dc: No, Rhonda, it's Governor Burstyn. He's here with me.

Burstyn: Put your man on the line, Rhonda. Let's have it out right now!

Rhonda: Sorry, Governor. The Senator is out in the meadow right now, feeding the baby calves.

Burstyn: Nonsense! Put him on the line!

Rhonda: I can't.

Burstyn: You won't! Because this is a staff coup! You have taken over the campaign so completely, your candidate has become an afterthought. This is not "retreat!" It's a kidnapping! It's prison!

Rhonda: It's nothing of the sort.

Burstyn: The staff can't trust him on his own.
So you've closed off access to keep the power for yourselves!
And this phony … rural adventure is designed to get votes …

Rhonda: Look! One of the calves has an injured foot, and Senator Spleen is picking it up and carrying it back to the barn for medical attention!

Burstyn: Oh please!

Dc: Isn't it heavy, Rhonda?

Rhonda: That calf must weight three hundred pounds, but the Senator has really bulked up out here on the farm! He's got pile drivers for arms and really big thighs.

Burstyn: Big lies, you mean.

Dc: If he's bigger, that means his look has changed … an important clue for people who might be trying to find Senator Spleen. In the contest.

Rhonda: Yes, I'm glad you mentioned that. The first ordinary voter to find our candidate wins 100 thousand bucks right out of the campaign treasury! And he IS in the continental U.S.

Burstyn: That's horrible! It's a travesty! It's vote buying!

Rhonda: Oh, it is not! You don't have to vote for him, just find him. Besides, this is just one person we're talking about getting this money, here. If that's vote buying … I mean, 100 thou per vote, that would be pretty stupid if we did that!

Dc: Rhonda, what if the prize has NOT been collected by early June, when you're having the convention.

Rhonda: If that's the case, we may have to keep the Senator away from the convention.

Burstyn: You can't!

Rhonda: In the interest of public safety, and electoral momentum, we may have to.

Burstyn: If you skip the convention, it will be your undoing!
You can't expect the public to elect someone president when they haven't seen him lately!

Dc: And you can't expect anyone to win your cash prize without knowing what he looks like today.
How could we pick him out of a crowd?

Rhonda: There aren't too many guys who can pick up a 300 pound calf like it was a little plastic toy! If you see someone doing that, it's a dead giveaway!

Dc: Rhonda Alonzo is campaign manager for Senator Sam Spleen of the Enough! Party, and Governor Dick Burstyn is Spleen's chief rival going into the party convention in June.
And now in the studio is political correspondent Jennifer Hampster. Jennifer, you heard Governor Burstyn and Ms. Alonzo. What do you make of all this?

Jennifer: What difference does it make what I say? I should be doing these interviews, right?

Dc: Well …

Jennifer: I AM the political correspondent, am I not? If you're gonna do the interviews with the major players, what am I for?

Dc: Commentary and analysis.

Jennifer: My commentary is that you're not getting information out of them that's any better than what I got. And my analysis is that this is another case of a prima donna anchor sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong, quickly getting in over his head and reaching out to the underpaid political correspondent, begging her to make sense out of the mess that he's created. And my conclusion is that this Enough! Party convention is gonna be a real interesting disaster, you guys are pathetic, and you really, really need me.

Dc: OK, thanks a lot. Our chief political correspondent, Jennifer Hampster.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home