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DC: This is DCR, news meant for amusement.
(sfx: outdoor summer morning)
WV: I'm standing on on the main street of Haley's Mill, Minnesota on
beautiful, quiet Saturday morning with a well known local resident who
is about to have a busy day.
Passerby 1: Hey, Hands-on. How ya doin'!
Nelson: (heroic baritone): Fine, just fine. Thank you.
Larry: (off mic) Morning, Hands-on!
Nelson: (calling) Got any work at the barn
Larry: (off mic) Nothing today, Hands-on.
Nelson: (calling) How about next week? Do you
Larry: (off mic) Next week's all booked! Sorry!
Wendy: They call him "Hands-On" Nelson! And Haley's Mill mayor Andy Anderson says he's a local fixture.
Andy: Hands On has been available to help out with chores and such
every day for
well it seems like the last 25 years.
Wendy: And when you talk to Hands On Nelson, it becomes clear he is certainly a one-of-a-kind helpful guy.
N: Any time! Anyplace! Wherever someone is struggling with a car that won't start, or a washing machine that won't spin, or a microwave oven that won't shrink things, there I am! And my only payment is the gratitude of those in need and the satisfaction of a job well done!
WV: Actually, I don't think microwaves are supposed to --
NELSON: Look! There's Phil! (calling) Hi Phil!
WV (startled): Where?
NELSON: Across the street! With the lawnmower! Come on!
(sfx: two sets of footsteps, constant trot)
NELSON: How're ya doin, Phil? Need a hand?
PHIL: (fade up) Oh, hey, Hands On. It's just a stubborn engine.
N (chuckling): I know a thing or two about these .
PHIL: Well, every time I pull this cord--
(sfx: ppddddtt, sputter)
PHIL: --all I get is a little bit of sputtering.
NELSON: Let's take a look at it!
(sfx: clinking, clanking)
PHIL: Well, now What I'm thinking is it's probably the choke. And the fact that it's been sitting all winter.
N (muttering over sfx): Pull this out...bend this...oh! look at this! This is neat...put this over here...
MAN (uneasy): Maybe all it needs is fresh gas or something. You don't have to--
NELSON: There! That should do the trick! All right, Phil, let 'er rip!
(sfx: just the rope being pulled)
PHIL: Hey! Now it doesn't do anything! What th !
NELSON: I'd say we smoothed out that sound quite a bit
sputtering! And all it took was a few small adjustments!
(sfx: two pairs of footsteps steady)
PHIL: (fade): Wait a minute!
Wendy: It didn't seem like his problem with the thingy was really fixed.
NELSON: One thing I've learned people don't like it if do EVERYTHING for them. Just a little bit of help, perfectly timed then get out of the way and let them finish.
Wendy: In the three hours I spent with "Hands On Nelson" I saw him offer himself and his services unselfishly to at least a dozen townspeople. It seems he doesn't do anything else.
Anderson: Job? No Nelson doesn't have a job. He worked out at the co-op for a bit, but then they got new owners from out of town and you know, if you're not from here it's different.
Wendy: So he has no actual paid employment at any kind of business?
Anderson: That's right. Hands On's business is well, whatever anybody happens to be doing right then that's his business. Anything and everything.
Wendy: It's true! In my short time with him I watched Hands On Nelson
get under a car to help a young man change the air filter. He came to
the rescue of a woman who was trying come up with the right measurements
for a cake recipe, tuck pointed the brick on a local church, helped
the volunteer fire department coil up the hose, and that's not all!
(sfx: computer keyboard tapping)
NELSON: Hmmm. You say the program is changing all zeros to the letter"Q."
RECEPTIONIST: Thanks, Hands On, but we've got this pretty much under control.
NELSON: I don't think so! I'll just have a go at the keyboard here.
MAN: Ugh! Your hands!
NELSON: Yes, I'm Hands On Nelson!
MAN: No, your hands! They're filthy!
NELSON: Oh I had a little thing with an automobile air filter
RECEPTIONIST: We've called a computer specialist
NELSON: Don't be silly. You can't wait that long!
RECEPTIONIST: No! I just told you that we--
(sfx: more keyboard)
N (muttering over sfx): Edit...preferences...clear memory...file...delete...alt-F4..."no." There!
RECEPTIONIST: Uh oh.
MAN: Hey! It's gone. Where'd the savings records go?
(sfx: emphatic keyboard)
MAN: The backup's gone, too.
NELSON: But look at your screen! The numbers that are left are nice round zeroes!
RECEPTIONIST: (picks up phone, off mic) Roger, get down here right away!
Wendy: Over and over again, Hands On Nelson presented himself to help,
like a knight in shining armor, never asking for thanks or pay of any
Anderson: People in town sometimes when they see him coming, they lock the doors.
Wendy: Because they don't want to be indebted to him?
Wendy: Have you ever received his generous help?
Anderson: (pause) I'd use him, except I have a son-in-law who's really good with tools. Anything goes wrong at the house, I save it all for him.
(sfx: outdoor summer morning)
NELSON: A mission? I don't know. It's a hobby, I guess. Maybe a calling. Sure, sometimes I wonder if it's all really worth it--(dreamy) but then I see something like that over there.
WV (apprehensive): Like what?
NELSON: A white picket fence with a green lawn behind it. In the middle, a father helping his little boy. They're putting training wheels on a bicycle. And it looks like they could use some help! Come on!
(sfx: footsteps quickly off, voices in bg)
WV: And so As the world becomes less caring and less handy, at least one man continues to uphold the neighborly standard always willing to help. Even though no one EVER asks him to pitch in, he's there, day in and day out, making himself a valuable and highly appreciat highly visible member of the community.
(sfx: distant crash of bike parts)
BOY: (off mic) Stop him, Dad, stop him!
DAD: (off mic) Great scott! What are you doing?
(sfx: crush, rip)
Wendy: And if you don't believe that, all you have to do is come to town on any day of the week, and listen to the shouts of acclaim.
BOY: (off mic) My bike! Look what he did to my bike!
NELSON: No need to thank me Jimmy! Now you can ride around with all the other kids!
BOY: My name's Tyler and you wrecked my bike!
Wendy: I'm Wendy Vapors, and I'm reporting from Haley's Mill, Minnesota.
(sfx: summer morning out)