NEWSCAST
with Leslie Generic, 5/26/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic.
Airline Industry experts say this week's United / US Air merger is just the beginning of a wave of airline consolidations. Analyst Lindy Earhart says more mergers will come quickly in response to an overwhelming public demand for less personal service from bigger, more bureaucratic carriers.

Lindy: (phone) A lot of air travelers get to their destination and the first question is "how was your flight?" Well what if the on-time performance was lousy, but the customer service was good or the baggage handling was superb. It really takes the edge off your complaint and makes you sound like a whiner.
Now … it will be possible for … say … the airline with the surliest staff to buy the airline with the most dilapidated planes … and that means the customer will REALLY have some satisfying horror stories!

Leslie: Airline analyst Lindy Earhart.
Also in Hollywood, film studios are thrilled to be entering the peak summer movie going season with several successful new formulas to recycle for next year. Studio executive Laura Pendergast was jubilant over the high box office numbers.

Laura: Next summer you can look for dinosaurs fighting gladiators inside a World War 2 submarine. Lots of biting. Lots of underwater explosions and sweating. And in all the films, everybody will be a teenager.

Leslie: Studio executive Laura Pendergast.
The space shuttle Atlantis has completed it's mission to do minor repairs on the International Space Station and provide needed training for astronauts by parking the space station in a higher, parallel orbit.
Here's how it sounded.

Astronaut: Pushing it back a little bit.

(sfx: thruster)

Houston: A bit more please, Atlantis. Check your mirror.

Astronaut: Roger. A bit more.

(sfx: thruster)

Almost there. Can you see how close I am …?

Houston: Now cut hard right! Turn!

(sfx: thruster)

Astronaut: Roger. Turning hard.

Houston: Good, good. Now brake!

(sfx: thruster)

Astronaut: Ok! Not bad, right Houston?

Houston: You're a little cockeyed.

Astronaut: Want me to do it again?

Leslie: Once the astronauts learn to park the International Space Station in parallel orbits, they will be allowed to drive it on good weather days and to the grocery store.

Men's Health magazine has released a survey on "the average guy", which reports that the "guy" is five foot ten, 175 pounds, 34.4 years old and is named Mike Smith. He drinks 3.3 cups of coffee and brushes his teeth 1.9 times per day. Respondents to the survey also answered questions about sexual behavior. According to the men who were willing to report on their activities, the "average guy" has a harem of 25 partners, consisting of a variety of movie stars, models and pin ups. The "average guy's" companionship is in constant demand said the survey, and he never exaggerates about his personal relationships, particularly when the audience is made up of other guys.

A "State of the Air" report from the American Lung Association says 132 million Americans live in areas that flunk air quality standards. Among the worst cities is Los Angeles, but these two residents (who asked to remain anonymous), said it's "not true" that you can "chew the air."

Angelino 1: It doesn't have the weight.

Angelino 2: Not like a jellybean or a bar of taffy.

Angelino 1: It's more of a …. (long inhale)

Angelino 2: Sipping. You sip it.

Angelino 1: Yes, like you always have your lips on the edge of a bowl of soup.

Angelino 2: Not too hot. Not too cool. Just right.

Leslie: There's another fairy tale in the news. Forrest Grimm reports.

Forrest: When the bear family returned to their cottage yesterday, they found that someone had broken in, eaten their porridge, sat in their chairs and slept in their beds! And that someone was still there! Baby bear discovered the intruder!

Baby Bear: She was in MY BED! I almost didn't see her 'cause she was sunk down in the mattress. I called 911 and got everyone out of the house. We waited at a neighbors' for the police to come.

Forrest: When police arrived they set up a perimeter and called into the house, but the intruder didn't answer the phone. They used loudspeakers but there was no response. Finally they tried tear gas followed by a heavily armed SWAT team. The golden haired intruder bolted from the house and was quickly apprehended, still choking from the tear gas and reeking of porridge. She was charged with breaking and entering, destruction of property and one count of food crime.
A public defender has been appointed. The attorney say his client will plead not guilty.

Attorney: My client was tired. The house was open. There was warm food. It was an attractive nuisance. Anybody would have gone in. The Bear family should have locked up. They put my client at risk through their carelessness.

Forrest: The trial is expected to take up to two weeks! Forrest Grimm, the woods!

Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home