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Dc: This is DCR, a news program that's reality free.
Dean: (rude) Yah. Let's get on with it.
Dc: In the culture of e-mail and the Internet, it seems the rules have changed about what's polite and what isn't, and
Dean: Everybody knows that. It's not even an issue. Next?
Dc: So the question is how do you apologize to someone if they get an e-mail from you with a virus attached?
Dean: Why would you do something stupid like that?
Dc: You never intend it to happen, but let's say this virus got into your computer and sent itself to everyone you know.
Dean: I would never be dumb enough to open up an attachment if I didn't know what was in it.
Dc: Let's say it happened, and people get upset
Dean: Upset? If it were me getting this virus, I'd hate your guts. All my files are on my computer. My records. My livelihood! My life!
Dc: It's imaginary at this point.
Dean: That's no excuse.
Dc: So what should a person say in a case like this?
Dean: I have no idea.
Dc: You're the expert on E-etiquette!
Dc: If you don't know what to say, who ?
Dean: That's why we have a greeting card industry. They make billions!
Dc: So you'd use the postal service?
Dean: (scoffs) Nobody's going to want E-mail from you!
Dc: Still, I don't think the greeting card industry has addressed this yet.
Dean: No. They're "old economy." But it won't be long before somebody comes up with a sappy little rhyme or two to try to gloss over the enormity of what you've done. I can already hear them!
Dc: Uh huh. Can you give us some examples?
Dean: Examples, right. Fat chance. You want me to dribble out some sugary sweet nonsense that you could steal? Well I won't!
Dc: Maybe if some of our listeners have an idea of what to say, you could react to that.
Dean: Trashing other people's stuff? Sure.
Dc: We've got somebody on the line. Hello?
Dc: Hello. Who is this?
Tarara: This is Tarara?
Dc: Hello Tarara. Did you accidentally spread this virus?
Tarara: Yes I did.
Dc: And you've written something as an apology that you want to share?
Tarara: Yes. I sent this to everyone in my address book:
I am your friend, but I did fail you
Dc: Wow, nice! What do you think, Dean?
Dean: In a few words cliché, insincere, lousy, useless, garbage.
Dean: And self-absorbed.
Dc: Well you made our listener cry! What kind of etiquette expert are you?
Dean: It's E-etiquette, OK? We don't have time for sensitivity. It's not my job to make everyone happy. It's not my job to make ANYONE happy.
Dc: We've got another caller. Hello?
Bob: (phone) It's me, Bob. I've got a card here that I sent out, 'cause I also made a mistake and sent the virus.
Dc: OK. Let's hear it.
Bob: I wish I'd rejected
But I was infected
Sorry. Your pal, Bob.
Dc: Very nice Bob. Dean?
Dean: Yeah, real witty, but who cares? You just fried their whole hard
drive, so why would anyone be impressed with how clever you are?
Dc: We have time for one more. Sue is with us. Hello? You're on the
Dean: Yeah? Well I agree with you but your opinion stinks anyway, so get out.
Sue: Fat chance.
Dc: Did you spread the virus and write an apology?
Sue: I did.
I'm a dope and so are you.
Curse me a little, curse me a lot.
Dc: Well that's interesting Sue. How did you
(sfx: dial tone)
Dc: She's gone.
Dean: Of course she is. She's got other things to do.
Dean: Fantastic. That's the kind of card I would send.
Dc: It's cruel and hurtful and condescending.
Dean: Yes, when you find the right card, it's a great feeling. It's like sending a little piece of yourself. And that's always good manners.
Dc: Our E-Etiquette expert, Dean Brusk. Thanks, Dean.
Dean: You don't mean that.