SPLEEN CONCLUSION
with the DCR staff, 6/2/00

(music: DCR theme)

Dc: This is DCR, a news program not to be believed.
We're going to return now to the Decorah International Convention Complex, Resort and mini-golf, where the Enough! Party convention has fallen into disarray. Jennifer Hampster is there. Jennifer?

(sfx: large audience murmuring)

Jennifer: The convention is falling apart. Bud Buck is on the floor. Bud?

Bud: … is Bud Buck in the thick of the Kansas delegation, where people have scattered to find the Senator Spleen and win big money. The Senator, as you know, has been in hiding for some months. His campaign treasury has put up a 100 thousand dollar bounty, and it's certainly working.
The delegates are running every which way … there's no cooperation, no negotiation … Excuse me, sir?
Pardon me, Maam?
Radio interview here? Sir? Hello?
This is madness. Somebody should do something to convince them that Senator Spleen is not here, or I don't see how we can go on. Jennifer?

Jennifer: Bud Buck, with the Kansas delegation.

Bud: I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore.

Jennifer: Governor Burstyn has stopped by after completing the Sprawling Medical acceptance speech, accepting his name being put forward as a candidate to receive the nomination. Wonderful speech, Governor.

Burstyn: Did you hear it, Janet?

Jennifer: Every word.

Burstyn: The delegates seemed more and more agitated as I went on. I thought I was striking a chord with them, but now I understand it has more to do with the rumor that my invisible opponent is in the hall.

Jennifer: Yes. What do you make of that, Governor?

Burstyn: Money distracts weak minded people. I don't have a problem with it personally. Earlier this year I was offered piles of money to sever my sponsorship ties with Plains Patties Buffalo Burgers, but I didn't do it.

Jennifer: Who made that offer?

Burstyn: Plains Patty's! My poll numbers were so low, it was dragging them down. But I believe in principles and commitment. I'm standing by my sponsor, no matter how much they beg me to stop.

Jennifer: Should it be possible for someone who is not at the convention to get the nomination?

Burstyn: A crucial question, Jean. As technology makes it easier for people NOT to be somewhere, I think it's vitally important that our party nominate someone who clearly IS somewhere.
And of course, since we are all at the convention, a very good somewhere for someone to be would be right here. I am ready to be that someone.

Jennifer: Thank you Governor Burstyn. Pandemonium continues on the convention floor, And now … (roll eyes) … Wendy Vapors has found someone to interview. Wendy?

Wendy: Yes, I'm here with Decorah International Convention Complex, Resort and mini-golf Security chief Martha Ketchum.

Tk: (sfx: walkie talkie) (roger 44287 I'm at the south door now and it appears to be uncompromised, over)

Wendy: Chief Ketchum, are you trying to restore order here, or what?

Ketchum: That's affirmative. I've got my people out checking all the entrances and exits.

Tk: (sfx: walkie talkie) (I'm heading up to the north door here, and I'll check the waste baskets along the way)

Ketchum: (to walkie talkie) Roger, Jolly Giant. I copy, over! Credentials were issued for Senator Spleen, but he hasn't picked them up.
I sincerely doubt that he's in the building. We have a secure perimeter.

Tk: (sfx: walkie talkie) (hey, how come there's nobody here at the main door, over?)

Wendy: Still, you have to check out all the rumors, right?

Ketchum: Affirmative.

Wendy: What if he IS here?

Ketchum: We'll find him.

Wendy: What would you do then?

Ketchum: Well I've got my eye on those electric golf carts. It would be great to have a couple of those around here.

Wendy: I mean what would you do with the Senator, not the money!

Ketchum: Oh, the Senator. Uh … turn him over to his staff, I guess.

Tk: (sfx: walkie talkie) (we've got a report down here of a square knot in the net string, over)

Ketchum: I'd better take this. We're trying to coordinate the balloon drop. (to walkie talkie) Roger, I copy you on the knot, Jolly Giant …

Wendy: Thanks. And so … as you can hear, searching for Senator Spleen, and the possible payoff of finding him … is a priority even for the security detail. I'm Wendy Vapors, and I'm reporting.

Jennifer: Let's go back to the podium now … where an announcement is being made by Spleen campaign manager Rhonda Alonzo.

(sfx: gavel)
(sfx: excited crowd)

Rhonda: Delegates! Please, Delegates! I have a brief announcement.

(sfx: excited crowd fade down to silence)

As you know, I am Senator Spleen's campaign manager. I can assure you he is NOT in the hall. He is NOT here, and no one is going to win a hundred thousand dollars today. So I beg you to return to your seats. Re-form your delegations, and let's get on with the convention.

(sfx: applause)

Thank you. I also want to announce that the rules committee (of which I am a member) has decided to suspend the bylaws where it says a candidate has to be present to win.

(sfx: applause)

Yes, that's a good thing. We did keep some restrictions. The nomination is still prohibited to convicted felons, space aliens and dead people.

(sfx: applause)

Yes! I think that's a rule we can all live with.

Burstyn: (out of breath) Just a moment, Rhonda!

Rhonda: Governor Burstyn!

(sfx: applause)

Burstyn: I have come to challenge you on this! You cannot ask this convention to endorse someone who is not even here!
Produce your candidate! He should stand before this convention and ask for it's endorsement in person!

(sfx: crowd respond)

Rhonda: That is just not possible.

Burstyn: I don't accept that. And neither do they!

Rhonda: They do too!

Burstyn: Do not!

Rhonda: (to crowd) Do you believe in Senator Spleen? Do you?

Crowd: (off mic) (A mix of yesses and no's.)

Rhonda: If you do, clap your hands. Come on … I believe … although he's NOT in the hall, he can hear us and will take heart!

Burstyn: Are we talking about Spleen, or Tinker Bell?

(sfx: applause)

Rhonda: Don't put down Tinker Bell, pal! Tink is Peter Pan's friend, and
if you don't believe in the boy who wouldn't grow up, you are so out of touch with the American people! Come on everybody!
Put your hands together. The Senator is listening! I know he is!

Burstyn: Oh, come on! This is a bit melodramatic, isn't it?

(sfx: big applause)

Rhonda: Yes, they believe! This is fantastic! We are sending him our strength and our love! Why … look! I think … although he can't be here physically, I think the Senator is with us in spirit right now!

(sfx: cheer)

Burstyn: That's just a spotlight.

Rhonda: It's a pure white beam of concentrated energy! Cast from afar.

Burstyn: Nonsense. There's a stagehand in the balcony … making the spotlight jump all over the stage. That's all it is.

Rhonda: They love you Senator! Although you can't be here with us right now, just listen to the crowd! They love you, they really, really love you, and I think … if we get this nomination and go on to the national contest for president … we're going to keep our prize money on the table … and we're gonna up it to ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

(sfx: loud cheering under and hold)

Yes! Yes! This is the campaign America wants!

Jennifer: (over cheering) Rhonda Alonzo, campaign manager for Senator Spleen, acknowledging the crowd, and in a surprise move, upping the reward money for any registered voter who can find the candidate!
And the crowd sure loves that.
Governer Burstyn, looking every bit as defeated as this scene suggests, is shuffling off into the wings.
This is a clear indication that … for better or worse … this is Spleen's convention. These delegates have bought his story, his campaign, his tactics … they are ready to put behind them a primary contest that, at different times took the tone of a soap opera. A sit com, a game show, and professional wrestling. But now, more than any of those things, it is History. And it is also … the future. I'm Jennifer Hampster at the Decorah International Convention Complex, Resort and mini-golf.

(sfx: cheering continues under)

Dc: Thank you Jennifer. And that's this week's show. Our cast included Sue Scott, Lynn Warfel Holt, Beth Gilleland, Peter Moore and Jim Ed Poole.
Our broadcast was produced live on location at the Vesterheim Norwegian American Museum in Decorah Iowa by Syslvester Vicic, and was written by yours truly. Our technical producer is Alan Stricklin,
Join us again next time for more news not to be believed on DCR.

(music: DCR theme)

Dc: This is DCR, a news program not to be believed.
We're going to return now to the Decorah International Convention Complex, Resort and mini-golf, where the Enough! Party convention has fallen into disarray. Jennifer Hampster is there. Jennifer?

(sfx: large audience murmuring)

Jennifer: The convention is falling apart. Bud Buck is on the floor. Bud?

Bud: … is Bud Buck in the thick of the Kansas delegation, where people have scattered to find the Senator Spleen and win big money. The Senator, as you know, has been in hiding for some months. His campaign treasury has put up a 100 thousand dollar bounty, and it's certainly working.
The delegates are running every which way … there's no cooperation, no negotiation … Excuse me, sir?
Pardon me, Maam?
Radio interview here? Sir? Hello?
This is madness. Somebody should do something to convince them that Senator Spleen is not here, or I don't see how we can go on. Jennifer?

Jennifer: Bud Buck, with the Kansas delegation.

Bud: I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore.

Jennifer: Governor Burstyn has stopped by after completing the Sprawling Medical acceptance speech, accepting his name being put forward as a candidate to receive the nomination. Wonderful speech, Governor.

Burstyn: Did you hear it, Janet?

Jennifer: Every word.

Burstyn: The delegates seemed more and more agitated as I went on. I thought I was striking a chord with them, but now I understand it has more to do with the rumor that my invisible opponent is in the hall.

Jennifer: Yes. What do you make of that, Governor?

Burstyn: Money distracts weak minded people. I don't have a problem with it personally. Earlier this year I was offered piles of money to sever my sponsorship ties with Plains Patties Buffalo Burgers, but I didn't do it.

Jennifer: Who made that offer?

Burstyn: Plains Patty's! My poll numbers were so low, it was dragging them down. But I believe in principles and commitment. I'm standing by my sponsor, no matter how much they beg me to stop.

Jennifer: Should it be possible for someone who is not at the convention to get the nomination?

Burstyn: A crucial question, Jean. As technology makes it easier for people NOT to be somewhere, I think it's vitally important that our party nominate someone who clearly IS somewhere.
And of course, since we are all at the convention, a very good somewhere for someone to be would be right here. I am ready to be that someone.

Jennifer: Thank you Governor Burstyn. Pandemonium continues on the convention floor, And now … (roll eyes) … Wendy Vapors has found someone to interview. Wendy?

Wendy: Yes, I'm here with Decorah International Convention Complex, Resort and mini-golf Security chief Martha Ketchum.

Tk: (sfx: walkie talkie) (roger 44287 I'm at the south door now and it appears to be uncompromised, over)

Wendy: Chief Ketchum, are you trying to restore order here, or what?

Ketchum: That's affirmative. I've got my people out checking all the entrances and exits.

Tk: (sfx: walkie talkie) (I'm heading up to the north door here, and I'll check the waste baskets along the way)

Ketchum: (to walkie talkie) Roger, Jolly Giant. I copy, over! Credentials were issued for Senator Spleen, but he hasn't picked them up.
I sincerely doubt that he's in the building. We have a secure perimeter.

Tk: (sfx: walkie talkie) (hey, how come there's nobody here at the main door, over?)

Wendy: Still, you have to check out all the rumors, right?

Ketchum: Affirmative.

Wendy: What if he IS here?

Ketchum: We'll find him.

Wendy: What would you do then?

Ketchum: Well I've got my eye on those electric golf carts. It would be great to have a couple of those around here.

Wendy: I mean what would you do with the Senator, not the money!

Ketchum: Oh, the Senator. Uh … turn him over to his staff, I guess.

Tk: (sfx: walkie talkie) (we've got a report down here of a square knot in the net string, over)

Ketchum: I'd better take this. We're trying to coordinate the balloon drop. (to walkie talkie) Roger, I copy you on the knot, Jolly Giant …

Wendy: Thanks. And so … as you can hear, searching for Senator Spleen, and the possible payoff of finding him … is a priority even for the security detail. I'm Wendy Vapors, and I'm reporting.

Jennifer: Let's go back to the podium now … where an announcement is being made by Spleen campaign manager Rhonda Alonzo.

(sfx: gavel)
(sfx: excited crowd)

Rhonda: Delegates! Please, Delegates! I have a brief announcement.

(sfx: excited crowd fade down to silence)

As you know, I am Senator Spleen's campaign manager. I can assure you he is NOT in the hall. He is NOT here, and no one is going to win a hundred thousand dollars today. So I beg you to return to your seats. Re-form your delegations, and let's get on with the convention.

(sfx: applause)

Thank you. I also want to announce that the rules committee (of which I am a member) has decided to suspend the bylaws where it says a candidate has to be present to win.

(sfx: applause)

Yes, that's a good thing. We did keep some restrictions. The nomination is still prohibited to convicted felons, space aliens and dead people.

(sfx: applause)

Yes! I think that's a rule we can all live with.

Burstyn: (out of breath) Just a moment, Rhonda!

Rhonda: Governor Burstyn!

(sfx: applause)

Burstyn: I have come to challenge you on this! You cannot ask this convention to endorse someone who is not even here!
Produce your candidate! He should stand before this convention and ask for it's endorsement in person!

(sfx: crowd respond)

Rhonda: That is just not possible.

Burstyn: I don't accept that. And neither do they!

Rhonda: They do too!

Burstyn: Do not!

Rhonda: (to crowd) Do you believe in Senator Spleen? Do you?

Crowd: (off mic) (A mix of yesses and no's.)

Rhonda: If you do, clap your hands. Come on … I believe … although he's NOT in the hall, he can hear us and will take heart!

Burstyn: Are we talking about Spleen, or Tinker Bell?

(sfx: applause)

Rhonda: Don't put down Tinker Bell, pal! Tink is Peter Pan's friend, and
if you don't believe in the boy who wouldn't grow up, you are so out of touch with the American people! Come on everybody!
Put your hands together. The Senator is listening! I know he is!

Burstyn: Oh, come on! This is a bit melodramatic, isn't it?

(sfx: big applause)

Rhonda: Yes, they believe! This is fantastic! We are sending him our strength and our love! Why … look! I think … although he can't be here physically, I think the Senator is with us in spirit right now!

(sfx: cheer)

Burstyn: That's just a spotlight.

Rhonda: It's a pure white beam of concentrated energy! Cast from afar.

Burstyn: Nonsense. There's a stagehand in the balcony … making the spotlight jump all over the stage. That's all it is.

Rhonda: They love you Senator! Although you can't be here with us right now, just listen to the crowd! They love you, they really, really love you, and I think … if we get this nomination and go on to the national contest for president … we're going to keep our prize money on the table … and we're gonna up it to ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

(sfx: loud cheering under and hold)

Yes! Yes! This is the campaign America wants!

Jennifer: (over cheering) Rhonda Alonzo, campaign manager for Senator Spleen, acknowledging the crowd, and in a surprise move, upping the reward money for any registered voter who can find the candidate!
And the crowd sure loves that.
Governer Burstyn, looking every bit as defeated as this scene suggests, is shuffling off into the wings.
This is a clear indication that … for better or worse … this is Spleen's convention. These delegates have bought his story, his campaign, his tactics … they are ready to put behind them a primary contest that, at different times took the tone of a soap opera. A sit com, a game show, and professional wrestling. But now, more than any of those things, it is History. And it is also … the future. I'm Jennifer Hampster at the Decorah International Convention Complex, Resort and mini-golf.

(sfx: cheering continues under)

Dc: Thank you Jennifer. And that's this week's show. Our cast included Sue Scott, Lynn Warfel Holt, Beth Gilleland, Peter Moore and Jim Ed Poole.
Our broadcast was produced live on location at the Vesterheim Norwegian American Museum in Decorah Iowa by Syslvester Vicic, and was written by yours truly. Our technical producer is Alan Stricklin,
Join us again next time for more news not to be believed on DCR.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home