NEWSCAST
with Leslie Generic, 6/2/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic.

Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura was quoted this week saying he could still pull out a suprise victory in this year's presidential race, if he wanted to.
Ventura offered the opinion that the current candidates are too cautious and "spun" to capture the imagination of the American people.
Today, Ventura expanded on his remarks, saying if he put his mind to it, he could also become Miss America.

Jesse: What do you really need to take that contest? Stage presence? I've got that. A body? Enough said. And I think when it comes to answering those questions … I'm not bragging when I say they would eat my dust. I mean … if the question is "What do you hope for?" , rest assured those girls are gonna say "world peace and healthy children." Good answers, but nobody believes them. And nobody remembers them. The judges would remember me, mark my words.

Leslie: When questioned about finding the right wardrobe for the competition, Ventura said it would be no problem.

The long anticipated findings of the National Nutrition Summit were released this week in Washington. Zelda Plowright reports.

Zelda: Experts say American society promotes overeating of high calorie food and too much sitting around. As a result, Americans are fat, sick, lazy, worthless, good for nothing puddles of goo. Marjorie Poundcake is a policy analyst with the Zaftig Foundation, a nutrition issues think tank.

Marjorie: I think we need a major national tax on donuts. A tax on ice cream. French fries. All fried foods. Cupcakes. And I include muffins in that. Don't let anyone tell you a muffin is not a cupcake, just because it doesn't have frosting. That is a lie!

Zelda: Nutrition professionals say fifty five per cent of the American population is overweight and suffering from health problems and a social stigma that comes with being fat. But Chuck Groundclutter of a group called Happy Heavies says the stigma is fast becoming a non issue.

Chuck: We're the majority now, right? Ha ha! Fifty five percent. So … what stigma? Ha ha ha! Finally, justice! And … just because you're fat, it doesn't make you jolly, OK? Ha!

Zelda: Some conferees at the National Nutrition Summit predicted that the health effects of obesity will soon lead the Justice Department to file a class action suit against Little Debbie and the Good Humor Man.
Zelda Plowright, Washington.

Leslie: Enumerators continue their work coast to coast, striving against a July 7th deadline to complete the national census. Taking the count door to door has proven to be a time consuming effort.
The census bureau reports that an alarming number of people have been coming to the door naked. East coast district official Cindy Fleming suggests people who know they have not been counted should keep a bathrobe within easy reach during the next few weeks.

Cindy: We don't want to interfere with any American's right to go "clothes-free" in their own home. But … we've found that enumerator mistakes increase as the articles of clothing decrease. And regardless of how (or if) you're dressed at the door, the census taker is still required to ask if you are male or female. So it doesn't save any time.

Leslie: Census official Cindy Fleming.

There's another nursery rhyme in the news. Forrest Grimm reports.

Forrest: Animal control officials are unable to explain a bizarre incident in this sleepy mid western town where a local farmer claims his home was invaded by rodents!

Farmer: My wife calls to me, she says … Ralph! We got three mice in here! So I come a runnin' and sure enough, there they are, but they're acting real funny, just scurryin around. And then they takes off after the wife! Chased right after her. She calls to me … "what do I do?" So I says "grab the knife," which she did, and cut off their tails, which put em on the run even more. If it was me, I wouldn't a been so kind hearted.

Forrest: Animal rights activists have called for charges against the farmer's wife. Kim King is director of Lassie, Revolt! A pet anarchy group.

King: Imagine! Having your tail cut off? And for what?
They were blind! Blind! How can a blind mouse be a threat to anyone? And what purpose would they have in chasing a farmer's wife, or anybody? Three blind mice!
I have never seen such a thing in my life! It doesn't add up!

Forrest: The farmer's house has been quarantined. Local residents are being discouraged from visiting the site, although many are stopping by anyway to "see how they run." Forrest Grimm, Decorah!

Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home