NEWSCAST
with Leslie Generic, 6/30/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic.
The congratulations and predictions of a health care revolution continue to roll in as the world reacts to the news that scientists have completed the monumental task of writing the human genome.
Observers have labeled it "the most important work of the 21st century," "the deepest exploration ever into what makes a human being," and "a text that will shape, and perhaps extend our lives."
In response, a number of public radio stations have embarked on a formal reading of the work. Doug Leatherpipes is producing the broadcast.

Voice: G … A … T … G … C … C … T … A … G … (under)

Doug: We're already three hours into the broadcast, and as you can hear, it's going very well. The listener response is overwhelming. People want to know what's in the genome and we think this information belongs to them, so I'm thrilled to be part of this first broadcast. Hang on a moment … this is one of my favorite passages coming up right here …

Voice: (with feeling) T … A … T … G … G … C … (under) … A … A … G … T …

Doug: (in reverie) Ah! TATGGC … gives me a chill. We're still on the first chromosome. At this rate we hope to be done with the entire text in about 25 years.

Leslie: Public radio producer Doug Leatherpipes.
President Clinton announced this week that the projected federal surplus during the next decade will be more than $1 trillion higher than was predicted just four months ago. Chuck Upchurch reports.

Chuck: (phone) The ballooning federal surplus has exceeded all expectations. Although it is nothing more than an expectation itself, it is still a larger expectation than any expectation we ever expected to have.

Louie: (phone) Right now, with what we know, this is what we're goin' with. One point 9 trillion.

Chuck: Louie the Pocket is a congressional budget handicapper.

Louie: Is it gonna come in at 1.9 T? The odds are for it, 2 to 1. But you know … the economy has an off year, we get a war or higher gas prices … it might change. The question is …how lucky do you feel?

Chuck: Mr. The Pocket advises people who are counting on a specific surplus amount to hedge their bets, especially if they are office holders planning to invest political capital in tax rebates or new government spending. Chuck Upchurch, Washington.

Leslie: The decision of the Federal Reserve Open Market Committee to do nothing about changing interest rates has sparked the expected rally on Wall Street. Mandy Ann Shwartzbauer leads cheers at the New York Stock Exchange.

(sfx: excited crowd)

Mandy Ann: (perky) We think our Federal Reserve Open Market Committee is the BEST! They send the rate up when we need to calm down! They send it down when we need to fire up! And when it's time to be steady, they're steady! Come on, everybody!

Peppers! Primes! Leeks and Dates!
Fruits, veggies and interest rates!
Speed up! Run! Stop! Go Slow!
So rah rah rah for the status quo!
Yeah! Staus! Yeah Quo!
Stop stop stop! Go go go!

(music: circus band quick fade) (mercury 432 019)

Leslie: Dow Jones cheerleader Mandy Ann Schwartzbauer, who said she would like to lead the rally "forever," although she admitted that was probably "irrational."

This week, the US Supreme Court bolstered the Miranda Warning and refused to block Elian Gonzalez's return to Cuba. It also required immigration officials to read an "Elian Warning" to all cute, photogenic, underage illegal aliens.
"You have the right to media coverage. You have the right to a media consultant, and to have a spin doctor present during your interviews. Anything you say can be broadcast to a national audience. You are entitled to a higher profile than your Miami Relatives."

Oracle Corporation, the nation's second largest software company, has admitted hiring a detective firm to dig up embarrassing information about
it's chief competitor, Microsoft. Private investigator Max Karoke testified that he offered to buy the trash of an organization that receives Microsoft funding.

(music: noir sax under)

Max: Yeah, it was a misty April night. I parked my wheels by the office dumpster. A housekeeping dame came hurrying out of the building, packing two Hefty bags full to bursting. I said … "what's the rush, doll? Why not take a load off and ditch the excess in the back seat of my roadster? I feel an anti-trust violation comin' on. The next thing I saw was stars. I'd been shut down with all my windows open. Nothin' new, but I didn't look forward to the re-booting.

Leslie: Private investigator Max Karoke. He says he is no longer working for Oracle Corporation or spying on Microsoft, and that the only company document ever in his possession was a small shred of paper that read "garbage in, garbage out."
And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home