SPLEEN PLAN
by Jennifer Hamptser, 6/30/00

Dc: This is DCR, a news program not to be believed.
In Washington, the Republicans and the Democrats have concluded that the high price of prescription drugs is a defining issue in this year's elections, and they are competing to offer the most appealing plan.
But the two major parties are not alone in this effort. The Enough! Party has also taken on the issue, even though it's endorsed candidate for president has not been seen in public for over three months. Jennifer Hampster is following this most unusual political story. Jennifer?

Jennifer: What?

Dc: Tell us more!

Jennifer: Since he won the Enough Party nomination in early June, Senator Sam Spleen has reportedly been hard at work "developing policies." Here's how it was explained by Spleen's campaign manager, Rhonda Alonzo ...

(sfx: cameras)

Rhonda: The Senator is totally focused, like a searing hot laser beam, on building the substance of his program right now.

(sfx: reporter hubub)

Reporter 1: Why isn't he out campaigning like the other candidates?

Rhonda: Well, He could be running around the country kissing hands and shaking babies like certain other people who will remain nameless here, but the Senator prefers to take the time to painstakingly build his single, comprehensive, "Unified" plan that will encompass and bring to fruition all major public policy initiatives for the first year of his presidency in one mighty blow.

(sfx: reporter hubub)

Jennifer: (at press conference) Rhonda … What does that mean?

Rhonda: You're just gonna have to bear with us and be patient. We're involved in a process here and it needs time to play out. For a long time it's going to seem like we're doing nothing, and then when we have our "unified" plan, Boom! We are going to spring it on the voters like a jack-in-the-box. And people are going to be bowled over. So … hang tight.

Dc: Jennifer, haven't any details of this "unified plan" leaked?

Jennifer: Well of course.

Dc: Maybe you could tell us about some of that.

Jennifer: (sarcastic) You mean, maybe I could just dish some gossip with you here!

Dc: (hopeful) Could you?

Jennifer: NO! There have been some leaks, but only from individual sources. Without confirmation, all we've got are rumors.

Dc: Rumors are OK.

Jennifer: Let me remind you, as journalists, we can't go blurting out everything we hear! That would be irresponsible and unprofessional.

Dc: What about that wacky prescription medicine plan Spleen has got?

Jennifer: I don't know what you're talking about.

Dc: We were discussing it just before the …

Jennifer: That is unconfirmed at this point.

Dc: But others are reporting it.

Jennifer: Others have lower standards.

Dc: Can't we report that they're reporting it? Then our report would be a report about the report of the rumor so … we can tell our listeners the rumor and it's still somebody else's fault. 'Cause we're just reporting what they said, and if they're wrong, it's not our fault!

Jennifer: You're pathetic.

Dc: Joining us is Bud Buck who has been following this story on the Internet.

Jennifer: Oh, for crying out loud. You can't do that again!

(sfx: computer keyboard tapping)

Bud: The Sludge Report is going with the story that Spleen will combine his policy on prescription drugs with his position on the missile defense system.

Jennifer: There is NO confirmation of that!

Bud: He'll propose total release of all our national security administration surveillance video of rogue nations, sending satellite images and live pictures of Bhagdad and Damascus and such directly to all cable systems nationwide.

Jennifer: This is nothing more than a wild rumor.

Bud: Then, the Sludge Report continues, an appeal will be issued to our senior citizens, asking them to be vigilant and to watch their screens for signs of any arms treaty violations.

Jennifer: There is absolutely NO PROOF to back up what you're saying.

Bud: If there are any signs of nuclear tests, production of plutonium, construction of missiles, or any suggestion whatever that somebody is trying to get away with something they shouldn't, there would be a toll free number for the seniors to call. And for this service, President Spleen would pay them, not in cash, but in prescription drugs.

Jennifer: This is ludicrous and impossible.

Dc: Bud, what does the Sludge Report say about the funding?

Bud: Rather than being an expensive add on to Medicare, this new entitlement would become a line item in the overall defense budget, where it would look small compared to the surrounding gargantuan aircraft carrier and fighter jet projects.

Dc: Bud, this sounds great!

Jennifer: Well of course YOU like it.

Dc: I think there would be many residual benefits.

Bud: Yes, it would cut the pressure on construction sites where a lot of old fellows spend the day peering through the boards.

Dc: And watching Sadaam Hussein …

Bud: It could be more satisfying than getting out the radar gun again to clock the neighborhood teenagers as they come and go.

Dc: Which means fewer nuisance calls to the local police.

Bud: The effects of this plan echo throughout our social structure and the economy.

Dc: With ideas this good, I'm surprised Spleen is sitting on them. Jennifer?

Jennifer: What?

Dc: Why isn't Senator Spleen getting this idea out where people can appreciate it?

Jennifer: Maybe he's overestimating the intelligence of the public and PRESS, and he's under the delusion that a plan has to MAKE SENSE before people will pick it up and run with it.

Dc: Ok, thank you! Chief political correspondent Jennifer Hampster, and on Internet Watch, Bud Buck.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home