NEWSCAST
with Brick Walters, 7/14/00

Brick: It's the news. I'm Brick Walters, sitting in for Leslie Generic.
The political fallout continues to fall from a startling survey of college students concerning their knowledge of US history.
Two weeks ago it was announced that a majority of seniors surveyed at the nation's top universities failed a quiz of high school level history questions.
Outraged, Congressman Loomis Beechly has introduced a bill requiring all students at all levels of American education to "pay attention in class."
This week, Beechly defended his bill against those who say it would be "unenforceable."

Beechly: I don't think that we can't make people pay attention!
And I don't think for a minute that this information is not being taught!
The reason nobody's getting it is that somebody's not paying attention, and it's not because no one can follow what's being said! They can, but they won't! And we ought to make them, whether we can or not! Because if they can't follow what is or even what is NOT being said in class, how will they ever, as citizens, be able to follow things like this important debate, and the statements of members of congress not unlike myself!
And if you don't understand the logic of that, then maybe you ought to go back to school!

Brick: Congressman Loomis Beechly. The National Council of Beleaguered Scholars, a student group active on major campuses, countered congressional criticism in a statement from National president Dwight Demerol.

Dwight: This survey was … what, a couple of weeks ago? How am I supposed to remember anything about that? That's history, dude.
I don't think we were told that we would be tested on it.

Brick: Middle east peace talks in Washington have received an unprecedented amount of television coverage, but informal surveys show that Americans may be confusing the real news programs with other "reality" based fare. This jogger in Baltimore offered a typical opinion.

(sfx: outdoor)

Jogger: I saw them on TV, the guy with the suit and the other guy with the thing on his head. I got it that they're, like, having a disagreement? I guess if they can't get along, they should, like, form an alliance, you know? And then the one who's most bugging you … just vote them off the island.
That would take care of it.

Brick: At the annual meeting of the nation's governors this week, the most pressing issue turned out to be the emergence of Minnesota' s Jesse Ventura as the nation's best known Governor.
Ventura has logged more national on-air time in the past six months than all the other Governors combined, including those running for president.
But at the concluding cocktail party, few Governors indicated any kind of resentment.

(sfx: cocktail party)
(all Govs' do a Jesse imitation)

Gov 1: Oh, I don't think that … in a stylistical way … any of us will change anything. I know I won't, cause he says things that are kind of upsetting to some people.

Gov 2: Rest assured … I'm going to be watching him. He's got a way of doing things and I don't think he owns that, necessarily. But will I steal his approach? Oh, I don't think so.

Gov 3: And if people like it, what the hey? It's not worth getting your shorts all in a wad over it, that's my opinion.

(sfx: cocktail party out)

Brick: Brisk sales continue for the 700+ page Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Thousands of children are on waiting lists to receive their copies, and many thousands more who have already read the book report positive side effects. Zelda Plowright reports.

Zelda: Mick Spamden is thrilled with his son's interest in Harry Potter.

Mick: First thing I did was show him how to keep his back straight and lift with his legs. He's read the whole thing twice. I'm gonna guess he's picked the book up and put it down … over 500 times since we brought it home.

Zelda: And all that lifting of a 750 page book has had a profound effect on young Bubby Spamden.

Bubby: I guess I've added about an inch or two to my biceps, and my forearms now are really beefy. Just holding the book up for hours at a time has given me a lot of new upper body strength.

Zelda: And that additional strength has come in handy for a boy often taunted by his more athletic classmates.

Bubby: There's this kid, Dennis O'Brien? Just yesterday he saw me carrying around my Harry Potter and called me a "book nerd." So I put the book down and I decked him. It's like magic!

Zelda: Weight training experts say children planning to do a high number of repetitions on their Harry Potter reading should learn proper lifting techniques to protect their lower backs. Zelda Plowright, Washington.

Brick: Democrats in the House and Senate were surprised and confused to find this week that they have accumulated more money for the fall elections than have the Republicans. Mary Baffling, director of the Center for the American Convolution, says voters should not be thrown by this temporary financing flip flop.

Baffling: In part, party money is only part of the money monied people part with to be part of a party. Meaning with BOTH parties monied, the money part pales as an important portion of the party's political profile. To play up poverty politics, might one major party part with a major part of the money to appear more imperiled and partial to the poor? Perhaps!

Brick: Mary Baffling of the Center for the American Convolution, who later told reporters to disregard her statement, as she didn't understand the original question.
This week, Yahoo, Inc. reported larger than expected second quarter earnings, catching Wall Street off guard and causing yet another adjustment in conventional wisdom concerning the Internet based economy. Conventional wise guy Dugan Armstrong enumerated the revisions.

Armstrong: Scratch the word "kaput" in my statement about dot-coms.
Scratch what I said about advertising, scratch what I said about mergers. Where I mentioned expansion of services, insert the word "global." Where I touted partnerships substitute the word "risky" for "essential" and replace the word "panic" with "confidence." That will be all for now. Thank you.

Brick: Armstrong said conventional wisdom remains a solid basis for sound investment.

(sfx: paper rustle)

Pardon me … this just in. Substitute the word "speculation" for investment.

Responding to news stories depicting a crisis in the size of New York City's Norway rat population, city officials have issued a decree outlining standards of behavior for the city's 70 million rodents.
1) No biting the tourists.
2) Wait your turn at crosswalks and in doorways.
3) No crowding in elevators.
And 4) take lunch and dinner in off-peak hours.

And that's the news. I'm Brick Walters.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home