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with Leslie Generic, 7/21/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic.
The Congressional Budget Office says federal budget surpluses will total $2.2 trillion over the next 10 years. This estimate is $300 billion larger than a projection made by the White House budget office just three weeks ago.
The string of real and expected surpluses has led some in congress, including Representative Loomis Beechly, to call for privatization of the federal government.

Beechly: Well why not? We're a money making enterprise now, boys! We've got a better bottom line than all those dot-com companies! It's time for an IPO, an Initial Public Offering. We'll sell stock, our profits will go up, and rather than cut taxes, we'll hike the dividend for our shareholders!

Leslie: Congressman Loomis Beechly, who says if the expected surpluses materialize, the federal government could someday be richer than it's dreaded nemesis, the evil corporate juggernaut, Microsoft.
The Senate passed a bill this week to eliminate the so-called "Marriage Penalty Tax." The move strengthened calls for new legislation to encourage marriage in other ways, by creating penalties for dithering and hedging.
Helen Highwater is director of the political action group No Barriers to Bliss.

Helen: Where is the law that punishes mixed up of your signals? That's the number one obstacle of relationships turning into marriages. If someone says "Maybe we should get married," and then changes to "No, let's wait," then says "But I really love you and wanna spend my life with you," and follows it up with "definitely next year, when my raise comes through," that person should go to jail so they can think it over!
And by the way, when will we see strong toilet seat legislation?

Leslie: Helen Highwater, a leader of the group "No Barriers to Bliss."
In other congressional action, , the House failed to approve a bill that would have banned casino-style games and sports betting on the Internet.
Harry Babyshoes is chairwoman of the Gaming Addict Exploitation Council and proprietor of He praised the House inaction on this matter.

(sfx: casino)

Babyshoes: We had the vote pegged with odds of three-to-one against.
Some other sites were taking bets at four to one and five to one. Basically we were all pretty sure it was gonna go our way and we'd make money on this deal. It's hard to beat the house, even if you're … you know … the House.

Leslie: Babyshoes says there are more than 700 wagering sites on the Web, but that his is best.

The Internet powered stock market boom continues to create new millionaires, who in turn are spending their fortunes to build expensive homes in the Hamptons on Long Island. The demand for skilled labor in the area is so intense, a grievance was filed against new residents of the Hamptons by local trades people. Don Skimmer is business agent for the Swimming Pool Excavators and Designer Tile Placement Professionals Union #621.

Skimmer: (phone) My people are working over-over-overtime, getting upwards of 30 - 40 - even 50 dollars an hour to dig swimming pools and install luxury bathroom appliances and the like. It's killing us. My guy who puts up diving boards … he bought a Lear Jet in April and he hasn't been able to learn to fly it yet 'cause he's too busy. That's not fair!

Leslie: Hamptons Labor Boss Don Skimmer.

Soft money contributions to both major poltitical parties have reached record highs this year. Organized labor alone has contributed 15 million to soft money accounts. Soft money cannot be used to directly aid specific candidates, but freelance apologist Spin Williams says most of the labor unions' cash will support members of the Democratic party.

Spin: (phone) The money will buy advertising time for political messages about issues that are traditionally Democratic issues… but once we hand over the cash to the TV stations, it will line the pockets of the station owners, who are traditionally Republican. So … it all evens out. We kinda see the whole thing as non-partisan.

Leslie: In the Enough! Party, endorsed presidential candidate Senator Sam Spleen has named his running mate. Chuck Upchurch reports.

Chuck: Political experts are stunned by the announcement, made by Spleen campaign manager Rhonda Alonzo.

Rhonda: The senator has chosen for his running mate … the envelope please … (tearing) … I'm so nervous … the running mate is … Dwight Longreen.

Reporters: (hubub w/ who? What?)

Rhonda: That's Dwight D-W-I-G-H-T Longreen L-O-N-G-R-E-E-N.

Chuck: The candidate is a funeral director from Festering Stump, Ohio.
Alonzo told reporters that Longreen's undertaker experience will make him a particularly effective vice president. Chuck Upchurch, Washington.

Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

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