FIXING GOLF
by Dale Connelly, 7/28/00

Dc: This is DCR, news meant for amusement. The remarkable play of Tiger Woods has thrilled golf fans but has also created concern that the game is not well served when it is so completely dominated by one individual.
Some golf enthusiasts have privately wondered if something can't be done to level out the playing field, but this is a widely unpopular view.
One of the few willing to speak out publicly on the topic is Ace Mashie, who runs the Club Niblick Clinic. I asked him to come in for an interview, but he refused, saying he really couldn't afford to spend any time away from the driving range this year. So I met him there one day this week.

(sfx: outdoor)
(sfx: swing and hit golf ball) (hollywood cd 30 cuts 74-77)

Mashie: Left. Left. LEFT! Dang!

Dc: Mr. Mashie … what is wrong with the game of golf today?

Mashie: Wrong? What's wrong is … I can't seem to get a handle on this slice.

Dc: I don't mean your game personally …

Mashie: In golf, there is nothing BUT one's personal game. That's it. Nothing else is even remotely important.

Dc: But … you were concerned about the … international situation.

Mashie: Oh. Of course … the Tiger Woods problem.

Dc: Tiger Woods is enormously popular.

Mashie: Yeah, well, everybody loves a winner.

Dc: But it's more than that. He's modest and well spoken and he has a great work ethic and he's a terrific example to anyone who would like to excel in any area of life, whether it's sports or work or personal things.

Mashie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hang on.

(sfx: swing and hit golf ball)

Dc: Oooooh.

Mashie: Come on. Come around. Come around!

(sfx: distant crash)

Dc: Ooh!

Mashie: They never shoulda built that house there.

Dc: So … what IS the Tiger Woods problem?

Mashie: Golf is a way for average men and women to face failure on a daily basis. Mr. Woods is not doing that.

Dc: He always says he needs to get better.

Mashie: That's just talk. To play Golf is to struggle. He is not struggling. Therefore … I don't know what you think he's doing, but he is not playing golf. He should be removed from the tour and he should take up another line of work that is difficult for him. Like bowling or roller derby.

Dc: Millions of people love watching him play.

Mashie: Uh huh.

(sfx: swing and hit golf ball)

Fade! Fade!

(sfx: crash)

Agh! Blast it!

Dc: Isn't it enough that people see Tigers' game as a thing of beauty and …

Mashie: Golf is NOT a thing of beauty. Was that beautiful?

Dc: Well no. You put a huge dent in the side of that truck.

Mashie: THAT, my friend, was golf. That's the way the game is played by 99.99% of the people who pick up clubs in this country. If the world's best golfer is so far ahead of the pros, imagine how advanced he is when held up against the rest of us.

Dc: But that's exactly …

Mashie: It's demoralizing. He should have to play blindfolded, or with one hand tied behind his back, or with his foot in a bucket, or he should have to use these lousy clubs which are ruining my game!

Dc: Pretty harsh words.

Mashie: I realize what I have to say is not popular. But after considering the situation carefully and unemotionally I realized I had to overcome my natural reticence and speak up.

(sfx: swing and hit golf ball)

Dc: Well thanks. I'm sure this was hard for you.

Mashie: Not there. Not over there. Come back! Come …

(sfx: crash)

Oh NO! That shot would have rolled!

Dc: It went into the parking lot.

Mashie: Exactly. That's a good surface. If not for that Mercedes with the busted out windshield, it would have gone forever.

Dc: Ace Mashie is a golf coach at the Club Niblick Clinic and a critic of superstar Tiger Woods.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home