NEWSCAST
with Leslie Generic, 7/28/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic.
With the big election coming up this November, it's time for the captains of the sides to choose who will be on their team. This week, George W. Bush of the Republican side chose party stalwart Dick Cheaney. Some potential players in the fall contest were resentful. These two, who asked to remain anonymous, admitted their names had been on the short list and said it was unfair that Cheaney was chosen first.

Bitter: Well, they're like friends, you know? So I mean, when it comes to picking sides he's gonna take his buddy!

Hurt: He sucked up to George's dad, too. I saw it.

Bitter: But … the first person picked is NOT ALWAYS the best!

Hurt: That's right! Not naming any names but …

Bitter: He maybe isn't so good as somebody else who's gonna get picked next, maybe.

Hurt: You are NOT!

Bitter: I said MAYBE! Jealous!

Leslie: Last week the Enough! Party captain, Senator Sam Spleen, made Ohio undertaker Dwight Plotz his first choice. This week, Spleen campaign manager Rhonda Alonzo defended the choice against those who are saying Plotz will "not thrive in the Enough! Party system."

(sfx: cameras)

Rhonda: We believe in Plotz, and we believe it ain't over till it's over. We're staying till the last pitch. We think he can drain the shot, and hit a home run with nothing but net. We've giving 110 per cent and we're going to take this election one vote at a time. That is all.

(sfx: cameras out)

Leslie: Spleen campaign manager Rhonda Alonzo.
The National Sports Metaphor Administration declared a hackneyed phrase emergency this week. NMSA director Turner Blodgett.

Blodgett: (phone) We are so low on sports metaphors right now, it's like fourth and twenty with a second left on the clock. All we can do is close our eyes and put up a Hail Mary. It could be, we'll ground out into a double play, or have a fumbled snap, but we've got to pull this one out at the buzzer if we're gonna live to fight another day.

Leslie: National Sports Metaphor Administration director Turner Blodgett.
After quadruple overtime at the Palestinian - Israeli Peace Talks at Camp David, the contest was declared a tie.
Howard Selko covered the meeting for the weekly magazine "Peace Illustrated."

Howard: (Cosell?) It was Irresistible Force meets Immovable Object. They posed. They parried. They parted. Each side testing the opponent for a sign of weakness, and in the end, there was nothing to do but go home.
Of course the fans were outraged. These fans are always outraged. "And so," to quote someone, "has it ever been thus." End quote.

Leslie: In other confrontational news, Animal Rights activists did battle with police in riot gear at the International Animal Genetics Conference in Minneapolis. Eighty protesters were arrested after trying to push their way through a police line. After the melee, the Animal Rights Coach had a word with his team on the sideline.

Coach: Good spirit! Good drive. But you gotta remember the fundamentals! Don't go into a police line standing straight up!
Put your head down. Keep your back straight. Set your banner down or give it to somebody else. Push with your legs and explode out of your position and make a hole for our man to run through.

Player 1: Coach, they had sticks and mace and stuff!

Player 2: And there were hundreds of 'em.

Player 3: And they had guns too.

Coach: Please … don't gimme any excuses.

Leslie: The protesters did not post a single victory in their weekend series against the police.
In wrestling, the bruiser known as Alan "Boom Boom" Greenspan grabbed the microphone at the House Banking Committee this week to taunt the government subsidized housing loan entities "Fanny Mae" and "Freddie Mac."

(sfx: wild cheering)

Alan: I'm telling you … look at the housing market! Look at the distortions! Whassup with that? Freddie Mac! I'm callin' him out!

(sfx: wild cheering)

And Fannie Mae .. I'm calling her out too! I don't care how big you are!
You're doin' mortgages … issuing debt! You got Uncle Sam on your side?

Freddie: Yeah, I got Uncle Sam on my side. What about it?

Alan: Unfair! It's unfair!

Fannie: He's my Uncle too!

Alan: You distort the markets! You distort! You distort!

(sfx: wild cheering)

Fannie and Freddie: So? So, Mr. Big Shot? You raised interest rates.

Alan: You wanna piece of me? I'll distort YOU!

(sfx: wild cheering)
(sfx: crashing)

Leslie: In response to the melee at the House Banking Committee, the market surged with major gains being posted by the WWF and a variety of folding chair manufacturers.

And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home