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with Leslie Generic, 8/04/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic.
The Republican National Convention in Philadelphia, completely devoid of suspense, is now over, having generated little fresh news.
Critics charge the political conventions have become little more than "coronations," a claim disputed by convention planner Victoria Elizabeth Buxley-Boddle.

Buxley Boddle: (regal English) Oh, heavens, no! I've been to coronations, I've planned coronations, and I've friends who have been coronated, and I can tell you … this was NO coronation. A coronation would have more horses and pantaloons. And it would've cost less.

Leslie: The Republican party's heightened emphasis on moderation and inclusion are being hailed by even the most extreme factions. Harold Holsterberg is director of The Friends of Firearms.

Harold: Inclusion is going to solve a lot of our complaints about crime and violence. Remember, when everyone is a Republican, only Republicans will have guns.

Leslie: The convention's relatively peaceful run pleased Philadelphia city officials, who said their worst problems during the week had to do with traffic, as there were too many Republicans crowding the middle of the road. The Democrats are now preparing for THEIR convention, which will also emphasize inclusion and openness. Zelda Plowright reports.

Zelda: Planners for the Democrat's convention are complaining that the Republicans "covered the waterfront" and left no noble sentiments unexpressed.

Planner: They took diversity. They co-opted education. They grabbed Reading. Motherhood. Fatherhood. Childhood. Neighborhood. Sisterhood. And Brotherhood.

Zelda: (question) Are you left empty handed?

Planner: Oh, no! We still have plenty of hoods in the Democratic Party.

Zelda: Observers say if the Democrats want to avoid repeating worn out convention themes, they might consider a focus on faithful pets.
Zelda Plowright, Los Angeles.

Leslie: In the Enough! Party, endorsed presidential candidate Senator Sam Spleen was finally found this week as a registered voter brought the candidate to his local party office to claim a one million dollar cash prize.
Lowly auto mechanic Dennis Lewis told reporters he was stunned when Spleen literally "fell into his lap."

Lewis: He's a big man. I thought maybe he broke my thighbone, but it just turned out to be a deep bruise.

Reporter: Mr. Lewis … does the one million dollars buy your vote for Spleen?

Lewis: No, it does not. My vote is not for sale. However, I do have a 1987 Chevy Impala that IS for sale for a million and a half if any other "Parties" decide they're interested.

Leslie: In Minnesota, hundreds of high school seniors who did not graduate last spring because of low math test scores found out this week that the testing company made an error, and their scores actually are high enough for them to get their diplomas. This surprised student said the episode will certainly have an effect on her career planning.

Student: I'm really impressed with how sorry they are at the testing company. They're falling all over themselves to make amends, so … I'm interested in going into the testing business at, say, a vice president's level?
With an office, an assistant, and 50 G's.

Leslie: There's another Nursery Rhyme in the news. Forrest Grimm reports.

Forrest: (phone) A freak mishap has snarled traffic for miles, causing major delays. The trouble began when a man fell off a wall. The man, Humpty Dumpty, was apparently sitting on the wall when, for no reason, he lost his balance. Cole King was an eyewitness.

Cole: First he was on the wall, then he wasn't. I didn't actually SEE the fall. Maybe he jumped. I didn't hear any yelling or scuffling or anything. But as soon as I saw he was down, I called 911.

Forrest: By all accounts, it's the RESPONSE rather than the accident that's causing the delay. For some reason, ALL the king's horses and ALL the king's men came to Dumpty's aid. Jackie Horner is with the Gander County Fire and Rescue Squad.

Jackie: Mr. Dumpty was seriously injured and we attempted to get him together somewhat before transport to the hospital. This required a rather intense effort, which was, sadly, unsuccessful.

Forrest: Was it necessary to send ALL the horses and ALL the men?

Jackie: We couldn't very well send the horses alone, could we? The men had to come.

Forrest: The scene is being cleared at this hour, but Emergency Response Authorities warn that sitting on a wall or any other structure that is not a chair … can be dangerous. Brick Walters, the Meadow.

Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.


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