SPLEEN INTERVIEW
by Dale Connelly, 8/04/00

Dc: This is DCR, news meant for amusement. Finally, to end this week's program, we get an opportunity for something which has eluded us, and everyone, for months and months. An opportunity to talk, one on one, with the Enough Party nominee for …

Rhonda: Two.

Dc: Beg your pardon?

Rhonda: It's two. One on two.

Dc: It's a conversation with Senator Sam Spleen.

Rhonda: And me, Rhonda Alonzo, the Senator's campaign manager.

Dc: Senator! Finally, we get a chance to talk.

Spleen: I think talking is good. So many people have nothing to say …

Rhonda: The Senator is grateful for the privilege of being here.

Dc: Where have you been the past few months?

Spleen: Oh, here and there.

Alonzo: Let me just add here that the Senator has been engaged in a thorough review of policies and strategies to prepare himself for the fall election.

Dc: And what have the people been saying to you, Senator?

Spleen: Oh this and that. The usual thing.

Alonzo: Lower taxes. More spending on education and transit.

Spleen: And prescription medications - lots of cheap drugs for everybody.

Alonzo: Cheap LEGAL drugs.

Spleen: Of course. For everybody.

Dc: Do you come to this with any principles, or are you just writing down a laundry list of things people say they want?

Alonzo: The Enough! Party is a principle based party.

Spleen: I would say the laundry list is a good description.

Alonzo: Only in that we are very careful about keeping track.

Spleen: We're making a list and checking it twice. So if you've been naughty or nice … you'd still better watch out. But especially if you've been naughty.

Alonzo: What the Senator is saying is that we're closing loopholes and insisting that people take responsibility.

Dc: It doesn't seem like you're answering any questions for yourself, Senator.

Alonzo: That's just not true.

Spleen: No, I think I'm being very Frank and Open. Aren't I?

Alonzo: And accessible, too.

Dc: The description we heard earlier from Dennis Lewis, about how he found you and redeemed you at the Enough Party office for his one million dollar check … it sounded like you chose him to get the money, based on his demographics.

Spleen: He seemed like a nice young fellow.

Alonzo: The contest was totally fair and unbiased.

Dc: But did you pick him to match the demographics of the young, disaffected male voter you're trying to woo?

Spleen: It sure looks that way.

Alonzo: Absolutely not.

Spleen: Anyway, I guess he got lucky and we got lucky too that we hit the right age group. If giving him a million bucks gets us enough votes …

Alonzo: It will be a total coincidence. Not at all what we had in mind.

Dc: Senator, there are people who are saying you don't have the quickness of mind to …

Alonzo: That is absolutely not true. That is a scandalous lie and a smear against a dedicated public servant.

Dc: Senator?

Spleen: I'm still waiting to hear the end of the question. Something about quicksand?

Dc: No, some say you don't have the quickness of mind to anticipate questions and events and to respond with clarity …

Rhonda: This interview is over!

Dc: And they say you can't hold your own in an environment where one misstatement or simply a blank look could determine the outcome of the election.

Spleen: I think bank books do have a lot to do with the outcome.

Dc: Not 'bank book." "Blank Look."

Spleen: Huh?

Rhonda: We've gotta go.

(sfx: chairs pushed aside. Two sets of footsteps fade off)

Dc: Is that the real reason …

Rhonda: Sorry, we've got a tight schedule!

Dc: Is that why you've been out of sight for so long, Senator?

Spleen: Yes. So long!

(sfx: door close)

Dale Connelly Reporting Home