|MPR News for Headlines, Weather, and Stories|
Dc: This is DCR, news meant for amusement.
(sfx: rain, thunder, crowd milling around)
Jennifer: While most third party candidates are trying to get INTO
the debates, Senator Spleen says he is determined to get OUT.
(sfx: applause up and fade)
Spleen: If invited I will not attend! If included I will not participate!
Why? Because debates are boring!
(sfx: applause up and down)
And you know what? The candidates are boring!
(sfx: applause up and down)
And I didn't get into this to bore the American People!
If I wanted to bore the American people I'd have my own show on NPR!
(sfx: wild applause)
Jennifer: Spleen's surprising statements came as the Pandering College
Quad filled up with students and their families in line for dormitory
assignments. The idea of having them hear a political speech while they
waited was part of the college's election year political awareness focus.
Spleen: My campaign is about entertaining television and wonderful old programs you love, not dumb, windy debates!
Spleen: My campaign is NOT about telling people what they want to hear.
Opening doors to Enlightenment.
Opening the doors to these dorms so your students can move in and start getting their education, and so the rest of you moms and dads and baby brothers and sisters can go home!
(sfx: big applause)
Bloviate: When a debate takes over the TV for a large part of the evening
the national mood turns cranky. The polls show that people want
to be entertained. They need to be entertained.
Jennifer: But when TV promotes political debates they try to present it as a contest, a match, a battle, where someone really could be humiliated and disgraced. And someone else could emerge the obvious winner!
Bloviate: But experience has shown us that a political debate doesn't
have enough whupping going on to hold the attention of the American
Jennifer: And so, Senator Spleen and the Enough! Party continue to wage a baffling and enigmatic campaign, breaking all the rules and perhaps making some new ones, as the candidate takes a solemn vow to never sully the airwaves by being part of a televised debate. I'm Jennifer Hampster.
Dc: Jennifer, this is a radical position Senator Spleen is taking on the debates.
Jennifer: (testy) So?
Dc: Will it work? Does it have a chance?
Jennifer: No. It's all a waste of time. My time. Your time. His time. It's all being thrown away. Spleen hasn't got a prayer, but I spend my life covering him. Why? It must be the money.
Dc: So you think he hasn't got a chance?
Jennifer: I have no idea! I'm not Madame Swami! I'm a reporter, not a handicapper. If you want to treat our great national agony of picking a president like some football pool, be my guest, but don't ask me to contribute. The field is full of goofballs and anything could happen. I have no idea how it's going to turn out. That's why we supposedly study up on the issues and have elections.
Dc: But the polls say
Jennifer: Don't get me started on the polls. I think they should be
(sfx: shuffling papers)
Dc: Is this the conversation we were supposed to have after your story? I'm not seeing any of this on my script.
Jennifer: Oooops! Is this mike open? I had no idea! It must be going around this week! Sorry, all the mean things I just said were intended to be private conversation. I'd apologize, but you weren't supposed to hear them, so shame on you!
Dc: Our chief political correspondent, Jennifer Hampster.