NEWSCAST
with Leslie Generic, 9/8/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic.
In order to accommodate history's largest gathering of presidents, premiers, generalissimos and potentates, New York officials have temporarily lifted the city's ceiling on inflated egos. Max DeLusion is New York's Commissioner of Self Importance.

DeLusion: The rule was … nobody in the city could have an ego larger than the mayor's, except Don Trump, and then all the egos combined weren't allowed to exceed his … perceived grandeur, you know what I mean?
We didn't have to enforce the law because … it was impossible to break it.
But obviously, for this millennium conference to take place, exceptions have to be made. If we're able to handle all these inflated egos, we're going to allow bigger balloons in the Thanksgiving Day parade.

Leslie: DeLusion says to keep the city from over dosing on self importance, he's asking non essential workers in the media and fashion industries to voluntarily "get out of town" for the duration of the conference.

The Bridgestone/Firestone tire recall continues worldwide, as the tire maker and the Ford Motor Company seek to limit damages caused by high speed tread separation. Congressional hearings into the matter have revealed disasterous self esteem problems with some SUV drivers as a result of the tire problems.

SUV Guy: Mr. Chairman, my car is one of the biggest, meanest most macho looking things on the road. But when I saw what kind of tires I had and found out how long it would take to get new ones … I had to stop speeding, tailgating, weaving in and out of traffic and burning rubber.
I was humiliated, Mr. Chairman. I came here today on one of those kick scooters, that's how far I've fallen.

Leslie: Meanwhile, recall - related crashes continue to occur. In the latest incident, two personal injury attorneys were hospitalized after they collided at the Federal courts building, attempting to be first in line to file a class action suit.

The League of Confused Voters has requested that the major party candidates for president agree to participate in a series of three debates about whether debates should be called debates, or something else. Harriet Baffling is director of the LCV.

Baffling: In the format we're proposing, one candidate would sit casually at a table while the other stands officially behind a podium. They will field questions from a reporter, an editor, a news anchor, a guy at a bar, some golfing pals and the mother of a friend of mine. Basically we want them to address the issue of whether this is a debate, a forum, a joint appearance, a symposium, a chataqua, a hoe down, a boo-ya … or a farce.

Leslie: Harriet Baffling of the League of Confused Voters. The League plans to push for voter registration again this year, shrugging off criticism from a similar effort in the last election cycle when the Leauge collected names and mistakenly entered them, not into the voting rolls, but rather, into a drawing for a speedboat.

Hollywood producers say the Emmy awards telecast will happen in spite of the theft of the presenter's script. Someone made off with the 150 page document just before rehearsals began, but Joe Wooden and Samantha Stilted, the program's writers, say they can re-create much of the dialog in the time that remains before the broadcast.

Joe: (wooden) They say … in making a TV script … there are three important groups of players. Those who think. And those who write.

Samantha: (stilted) Wait. Joe. I thought you said there were three. You only mentioned two … those who think and those who write.

Joe: And those who think they can write. (pause) But seriously. We can get the job.

Samantha: Done.

Leslie: A new study says young people are becoming disenchanted with technology and the Internet.
The Center for The Pedulum as a Metaphor for Social Trends commissioned the study, which found over 88% of those who spend more than 20 hours online each day … wish they had something else to do.
Judy Hardy-Kamper was the survey director.

Judy: Among the things our respondents say they would prefer to the online experience … fresh air … talking to another person … physical movement … and a healthy diet, as long as it doesn't mean cutting out donuts. So I think you can see by these results, the pendulum has begun to move back the other way!

Leslie: An article in the current issue of Science magazine claims that dolphins are capable of "vocal learning," a prerequisite for spoken language.
Researchers studied dolphins who demonstrated the ability to learn and repeat intricate signals, often within seconds of hearing them.
But animal communication expert Benton Flipper cautioned non-scientists to take the new findings "with a grain of salt."

(sfx: dolphin chatter)

Interpreter: Dr. Flipper says this new study does not meant that dolphins can talk.

(sfx: dolphin chatter)

Interpreter: Only that they possess some of the fundamental wiring that would make it possible for a species to talk.

(sfx: dolphin chatter)

Interpreter: And he adds that the best possible outcome of this study is that researchers in this field, such as himself, receive more government fish.
Uh, funding, I mean.

Leslie: Animal communication expert Dr. Benton Flipper. He spoke through an interpreter. And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home