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by Leslie Generic, 9/22/00

Leslie: Here now the news. I'm Leslie Generic.
Television ratings for the Olympics are the worst ever. NBC executives have appealed to members of the general public to increase their viewing, "for the sake of the games."

(sfx: cameras)

NBC exec: This is a crisis. If we take a bath on this, the next games won't get as many TV bucks. And before long… without that money… absent our support... why... this might turn into... some kind of amateur sporting event!

(sfx: reporter hubub)

Leslie: Competing networks have chided NBC for complaining about the low Olympic ratings, suggesting that "just being there" should be enough.
U.S. intelligence agencies have obtained a document that they have described as "a terrorist manual." An FBI investigators said the manual was found in a plastic bag.

FBI Agent: (phone) Written across the front of the document were the large red words, "IMPORTANT MANUAL. READ ME FIRST". This was a clever way to keep the booklet hidden, and it worked. Until we opened it, the thing had not been touched by human hands.

Leslie: The government is investigating whether a variety of biotech corn that hasn't been approved for human consumption was used in taco shells. The corn, which is genetically engineered to kill an insect pest, is approved for use only in animal feed. A Kansas farmer testified that he knew something was wrong with the product as early as last April.

(sfx: mooing)

Farmer: Bluebell usually hates tacos. Enchiladas, burritos, OK. Tamales, great. But I wasn't able to get her to eat a taco until this spring, when suddenly, she couldn't get enough of 'em. And I thought to myself... this isn't right.

(sfx: mooing out)

Leslie: Officials say there is no health risk to consumers from eating the taco shells, although some have complained of abdominal pressure and higher than normal levels of methane production.
In response to increasing complaints about the high cost of prescription drugs in the US, cross border traffic with Canada is up sharply. Also up are sales of prescription allergy drugs being marketed on American television. Dr. Anna Dudley, a physician in Thunder Bay and chair of the Maple Leaf Medical Marketing Group, says consumers should think carefully about what message they want to send with their prescription medicine dollars.

Dr. Dudley: American patients are putting pressure on their politicians and their health care system when they cross the border, no doubt about it. And do we make a little money up here? Sure. But that's not what this is about. This is about... freedom, and feeling right.

(music: drug ad music)

So... live life. Be real. Fly with the eagles and embrace the sun. You can do it, with help from NostriClear. Are you a good candidate for NostriClear? Ask your Canadian doctor. Do not take NostriClear if you suffer from shortness of breath, hypertension, sore elbows or are sensitive to gravity.

(music: ad music ends)

Leslie: Americans have reversed a long slide in participation, returning more Census forms this year than they did a decade ago. Clara Bellwether is the assistant second double undersecretary of Commerce. She is responsible for counting and tabulating the forms, and she says this is great news.

(sfx: paper shuffling in time with counting)

Bellwether: One hundred six million, two hundred and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and twenty-three. More Americans means more taxes for the government and more money for the states. One hundred six million, two hundred and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and twenty-four. And that means more potential customers. More employees. More doctors. More lawyers. More teachers. One hundred six million, two hundred and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and twenty-... five. So we're grateful that everyone got the message. Well, I don't know if it was really EVERYONE, but a lot did. One hundred six... um... or was it seven? Um. One, two, three, four....

Leslie: Census officials say the final report on national and state population should be done by the end of the year.

Bellwether: (off mic) Don't count on it!

Leslie: Or by the end of next year.
And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.


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