COFFEE
by Dale Connelly, 9/29/00

Dc: DCR is made possible, in part, by a grant from Cold Crank Chugging Coffee.

(sfx: engine struggling to turn over)

You know what it's like when a car refuses to start?

Tk: Come on, baby! Come on!

Dc: You pump the gas pedal.

(sfx: pedal pumping)

You hold the pedal down and give it the ignition again.

(sfx: engine struggling to turn over...)

And suddenly

(sfx: engine starts with a roar)

... it jumps to life! The smell of fuel hangs in the air. You came a little close to flooding it there. But you did what you had to do. You gave it so much gas the thing had to start as a matter of self defense. That's how it works with Cold Crank Chugging Coffee. It's not quality that counts. It's quantity! That's why Cold Crank comes in tubs! Sipping is for sissies. Cold Crank is the coffee you gulp!

Gal: Fancy coffees from trendy shoppes are fine if you want to make a nice impression. They're served hot and they taste great. Me? I don't use coffee as a decoration. I need it to stop sleeping. Cold Crank is served lukewarm. I raise the tub to my lips and...

(sfx: gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp)

Group: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Gal: Ahhhhhh!

Group: Yeahhhhhh! (applause)

Gal: (breathless and sick) Wow! I'm wide awake!

Dc: Cold Crank Chugging Coffee. Sometimes too much is just enough!

Dale Connelly Reporting Home