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by Dale Connelly, 9/29/00

Dc: This is DCR, news meant for amusement. This week, Hollywood executives testified before a Senate committee regarding a Federal Trade Commission report that accuses studios of marketing violent films to youngsters. In an effort to keep the inquiry non-confrontational, the most powerful studio heads were allowed to send lower echelon administrators to Washington. But in at least one instance, a top executive asked to have his say directly to the Senators... not in person, but by way of what else? Film! Have we got the clip? Let's roll it!

(sfx: film projector, establish and fade)
(music: earnest, pleasant)

Trite: Hello, I'm Albert Trite, chairman and chief executive of Chutzpah Pictures. I thank the committee for taking my testimony on film. I'm here in my modest Hollywood office, working 24/7 to regain your trust, there in Washington. I want you to know, Senators, that I had no idea my company, Chutzpah Pictures, was marketing violent films to young consumers. And I will make sure that it never happens again, even if I have to fire everyone in the company from myself on down until I get to someone who actually did something wrong!

Branding: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mr. Trite.

(music: sting!)

Trite: Wha? Who's there? The studio's supposed to be empty.

Branding: Don't turn around. It doesn't matter who I am.

Trite: Have you got a gun?

Branding: Wouldn't you like to find out? One false move.

(music: drama)

Trite: Can't you see I'm apologizing to the Senate? What do you want?

Branding: I want to keep you from giving away the store.

Trite: Giving away the store? What does that mean?

Branding: You know what it means!

Trite: But we have to do something!

Branding: Do we?

Trite: Yes, of course!

Branding: But you're forgetting... your studio is full of ultra-competent mavericks, who don't mind getting things done OUTSIDE the standard procedure... who don't mind BENDING the rules, if that's what it takes.

Trite: Of course. I should have known.

Branding: We love the R rated film. The knives, the guns, the explosions.

Trite: But it's pointless!

Branding: Yes... we love that especially.

Trite: Why... I think I recognize that voice. This sounds like Branding. Is it you, Dirk?

Branding: Maybe it is! What does that matter now?

Trite: Don't you see? It's not too late to change! Where's your humanity, man?

Branding: You forget. I'm the Vice President of Marketing.

Trite: Of course.

Branding: Turn around, Albert.

Trite: Great scott, Dirk! Is that gun loaded?

(sfx: gunshot w/ richocet)

Watch where you're pointing that thing!

Branding: I never liked you, Albert. You were too soft. Always wanting to do sweet movies about lost dogs and goofy bimbos. Taking the high road while the rest of us had to take the low so we could keep the company afloat. Well now the worm has turned.

Trite: Don't shoot.

(sfx: gunshot w/ richocet)

Branding: Don't tell me what NOT to do EVER again! I'm going to take over this studio and we're going to market slasher flicks to preschoolers.

Trite: No! You madman!

(music: action)
(sfx: grappling going on, w vocal tussle)

Branding: Let go of the gun!

(sfx: gunshot w/ richocet)

Marsha: (filtered speaker phone) Mr. Trite? Is everything OK in there?

Trite: Get help, Marsha! It's Mr. Branding!

Marsha: I'm coming in.

Trite: No! Don't!

Branding: Let her come! I've wired the door.

Trite: Marsha, NO!

(sfx: explosion and debris)

Branding: Ha ha! See? Violent films! The gloves are coming off!

Trite: No! No!

(sfx: jets approach)

Branding: Here come my Interceptors to strafe the building! Didn't know we had our own Air Force at the stuido, did you?

Trite: No! No!

(sfx: fly over and bullets)

Branding: Give it up, Albert. Give the studio to me!

Trite: (w/effort) Never!

(music: retaliation)
(sfx: punching smacks)

Not as long as there's a breath left in my body! Someone's got to stand up for decent people!

(sfx: punching)

Branding: Ugh!

(sfx: punching)

Branding: Ooof!

Trite: And take... that!

(sfx: punching)
(sfx: after the fight music)

There. That ought to hold him.

Marsha: (cough cough) Mr. Trite! Are you all right?

Trite: Marsha! Thank goodness. I thought... I thought you were...

Marsha: No, at the last moment I went back to the file cabinet... and all those piles and piles of thick, violent scripts... they protected me.

Trite: Just as I would have protected you... and all Americans young enough to be my daughter, or granddaughter, from any evil genius who wanted to corrupt them.

Marsha: Hold me!

(sfx: tearing cloth)

Oh, my blouse!

Trite: Don't worry, my dear. Here's a blanket. You can cover yourself up, and rest easy -- now that the REAL villain has been exposed! Thank you, Senators, for believing in us enough to give us a chance to get it right.

Marsha: (breathy) Yes, thank you... Senators!

Trite: (off mic) Oh, my dear, you've dropped your blanket!

(music: up to end)

Dc: The Senate Committee reviewed the filmed testimony of Chutzpah Pictures president Albert Trite, and found it to be acceptable for all age groups!


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