NEWSCAST
by Leslie Generic, 9/29/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic.

The Senate has approved a 7.8 billion dollar measure to restore the natural flow of water to Florida's everglades. If passed by the House, the measure would undo work done by the Army Corps of Engineers to redirect water through a series of dams and levees.
The major unbuilding project will be done by... the Army Corps of Engineers. Deborah Foreman is a planner involved in the project.

(sfx: drawing on big blueprint)

Foreman: (more and more frantic) We'll take down this levee here... move it over where this dam is, opening up this water flow through here like this. Digging a hole here. Re-building a hill here. Drying out this soggy part. Flooding this dry area. Turing this upside down. Re-arranging this part in through here. Bringing in heavy equipment to re-level this and then Presto! It will be exactly as it was when first touched by the Hand of God.

Leslie: Foreman said the first step in the project will be to create thousands of new condos and town homes for wildlife expected to be displaced by the deconstruction.

A key portion of Pennsylvania Avenue may be re-opened after five years of being blocked off by the Secret Service. Washington DC officials say they've developed a plan that would allow traffic to flow through the area directly in front of the White House. The one remaining obstacle is to find new parking for thousands of overnight visitors to the Lincoln Bedroom.

Scientists have thawed out a frozen, 5000 year old mummy to perform tests that might reveal how he died. Dr. Rocky Craghead is leading the group that's researching the history of the specimen knows as "The Ice Man."

Craghead: After warming him up slowly, we're taking a look at what he ate. We're examining bones to see if there was an accident. Checking for lung fungus. But we're thinking what really happened was... his HMO cut him off. Just refused coverage based on his being... prehistoric.

Leslie: Dr. Craghead says although it may not have contributed to his death, The Ice Man most certainly did not have a prescription drug benefit.

A new study by the Federal Bureau of Bedside Manners indicates that doctors are suffering from conversational neglect. Dr. Henry Farnham led the study for the FBBM.

Dr. Farnham: Doctors are people, just like real people are. I like to talk to my patients about their lives, their kids, their jobs, not just disease and unhappiness. But thanks to the big pharmaceutical companies, all my patients want is to talk about... Nostriclear. Or Banflab. "Ask your doctor about 'Wondralift'". That's what the ads say. Well maybe your doctor doesn't want to talk about Wondralift! (weepy) Maybe your doctor wants somebody to notice that he got new furniture in the waiting area!

Leslie: The Bureau of Bedside Manners suggests that if you want better and more cheerful care giving, ask your doctor if he's seen any good movies lately.

Near the conclusion of the Olympics in Sydney, Australia, officials from the IOC and the TV networks have made the startling discovery that the entire event from start to finish was positioned four centimeters too low. Marla Bottomly is a television executive.

Marla: The track, the stadium, all the equipment, the water in the pool... the TV ratings... the ad revenue... all just a tad too low. But more than enough to throw us off... to break our stride, crimp our style... ruin our dreams of Olympic glory. (sigh)

Leslie: TV executive Marla Bottomly. To protect exclusive TV contracts, Olympic authorities took extra measures to keep live video off the Internet during the games. Viewers who clicked on video links for Olympic images were met with blank screens. IOC officials say people who are still waiting for the opening ceremonies to download... should give up.

Leslie: There's another nursery rhyme in the news. Forrest Grimm reports.

Forrest: Mary had a little lamb. It's fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. Tom Bristles is publisher of several animal-oriented publications, including Pig Week and Sheep Sheet.

Bristles: Lambs will imprint on you, and decide that you are their mother. It's an irresponsible thing to do, to let this happen with a little girl because then the lamb stops being cute and turns into a pest.

Forrest: It followed her to school one day, which was against the rule. Mary Poplar is the school's principal.

Mary: We're very strict about that. It's non-negotiable behavior. Lambs grow into sheep, and being stalked by a sheep is... let's just say it can get wooly.

Forrest: It made the children laugh and play to see a lamb at school. Richard Ritalin is the school's Behavior Manager.

Ritalin: We're not ANTI laughing and playing. Not entirely. It has a place in the continuum of behavior and may turn out to be an expression of excellence in one of the 14 standardized areas of kinetic achievement... but even so... we couldn't allow it.

Forrest: Mary and the lamb were sent home. The girl's parents have filed suit against the district. Forrest Grimm, The Woods Elementary.

Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home