NEWSCAST
by Leslie Generic, 10/6/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic. The Union of Concerned Satirists has filed a formal protest with the United Nations concerning this week's tragic fighting in Israel and the West Bank. Late night talk show host Stewart Glib-Lennerman represents the group.

Lennerman: What am I supposed to do with this awful stuff?

(sfx: laughter)

Where is Lewinsky when you need her?

(sfx: laughter)

Seriously, my living depends on news I can make fun of... and people I can humiliate. If you allow the front pages of this nation's newspapers to be filled with tragedy...! How can I make a living if the news isn't even remotely funny?

(sfx: applause)

Leslie: While Glib-Lenniman says he has no solution for Middle Eastern strife, he called for the media to "step up" reporting on celebrities.

A new Supreme Court season began this week. The nine justices efficiently heard a number of important cases in the first few days, leading observers to the conclusion that the team is in fine shape. Ted Pectoral covers the Courts Beat.

Ted: (sporty) It was like time has been standing still for the Federal nine. As they emerged from their locker room they looked well rested and ready for the challenges ahead. Rhenquist is imposing, as always. Sandra Day O'Connor appears to have lost none of her legendary quickness, and Scalia showed an intensity that is undiminished from last season as he sliced through arguments with laser like precision. With the raw talent on this squad, it is a constant source of amazement to this reporter that they spend so much time on the bench. I'm Ted Pectoral.

Leslie: Ted Pectoral has just been named director of our Courts Department.

Ted: Courts?

Leslie: Federal judges will NOT be able to accept money for giving speeches. A House/Senate conference committee considering such a change has dropped the measure from it's final report. Speaking at a luncheon of the Quid Pro Quo Club of Columbus, Ohio, Federal Judge LaDonna Imobilay said the decision was a good one.

Judge: I don't know why it was even proposed. A judge giving a speech should be a paid... I mean afraid to link it to money. We should be focusing on the law, the dollarly... uh, scholarly pursuit of justice that riches... uh, reaches from the vaults of... the halls of industry, to the ordinary person on the take. On the street, I mean.

(sfx: applause)

Leslie: Judge Imobilay remarked that if her judicial bretheren want a raise, they should just pay... say so. Intense polling continues in the wake of Tuesday's presidential debate. A new poll by the George Shaky organization revealed that 35% of those who watched tried to understand at least 50% of the statistics spouted by 100% of the candidates roughly 43% of the time. Of that 35%, 88% felt they were at least 20% successful, while the remaining 12% thought 60% of the 88% were exaggerating their understanding by at least 110%. Poll director George Shakey said the respondents were also asked for more impressionistic, emotional judgments.

Shakey: We asked them... "If the candidates were livestock, what sort of livestock do you think they would they be?" This was very interesting. A huge majority of those polled thought Gore would be a raging bull. Governor Bush, they thought, would be another, but more charming kind of bull. But overall, looking at the candidates, the first thing that came to mind for each of them was... definitely bull.

Leslie: George Shaky of the Shaky Poll. The number of students who default on their college loans has dropped below 7% for the first time ever. Deborah Kite is the director of the Federal Office of the Rathole.

Kite: Our robust economy has many wonderful opportunities right now if you happen to be a sharpster or a deadbeat. Now I'm not saying these people ARE, but why waste your time defaulting on a piddly little fifty thousand dollar student loan when you can squander hundreds of millions in start up capital simply by opening an E business? THERE'S a way to burn through some serious money!

Leslie: Kite said despite a general perception that her office's funds have been cut recently, she believes projected surpluses will supply sufficient money to be thrown down the Federal rathole Office for years to come. And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home