WEEKLY BUSINESS REPORT
by Captain Billy, 10/13/00

This here's the weekly business report, I'm Captain Billy out at sea aboard the clipper Muskelunge, and it's a good thing we're out here, ain't it boys?

(sfx: angry men up and down)

Things on land is just too iffy. On account of them Wall Street markets! All them smart investors what put tons and tons of their money into stocks is now bailin' out, they is! They're bailin'! Money boys overboard! Anybody wanna buy some stocks?

(sfx: angry men up and down)

Aye, it's every man for hisself! And boys, what does you think is the really big surprise of the week? It's that they ain't makin' as much money as they thought they would at Home Depot!

(sfx: angry men up and down)

Home Depot, boys! How could they NOT make enough money at Home Depot, eh? With all them plumin' supplies, and expensive storm doors!

(sfx: angry men up and down)

Aye, we needs storm doors now, don't we? Sure we do. Cause there's a bear! A bear in the woods, boys!

(sfx: angry men up and down)

Not that ol' Russian bear, but that depressin' market bear.

(sfx: angry men up and down)

Did I say "depressin'?" I didn't mean THAT! Settle down boys. It ain't that bad. But when the topic is money, we gets so emotional, don't we? Sure we do. That's why we're stayin' out here, on account of the fact that bears can't swim. They can't, can they? Still, it's likely to get a might rough... so batten down yer hatches, mates. You'll be gettin' yer pay in Internet stock options again this week. And extra grog for everyone!

(sfx: angry men up and down)

Oh, they likes that, they does. And that's the business report... reminding all you investors to keep a wary eye out for sharpsters and criminals of all types, and before you makes any financial decisions, consult your trustworthy local buccaneer, er... financial advisor, I mean, who understands your poor, pathetic situation! Out at sea, I'm Capt. Billy, for the crew of the Muskelunge!

Dale Connelly Reporting Home