NEWSCAST
by Leslie Generic, 10/13/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic.

After two low rated face-to-face presidential debates, Vice President Al Gore and Texas Governor George W. Bush have accepted an offer to move into the "Big Brother" house and live there together until election day. TV executive Tad Short said the audience response to "Big Brother" and the debates was about the same, making it a perfect match.

Tad: Big Brother developed an audience that was interested in watching dull people talk in endless circles. Al and George have demonstrated with the first two debates that they are really in touch with that audience and understand what it wants.

Leslie: The network will put the two candidates through a series of make work "challenges." In early November, viewers will vote one candidate out of the house. The one who remains will live there for the next four years.

Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura chided the press this week for believing a story he told about being invited to the White House. "It was a joke," the Governor explained, saying that most people understood "right away" that when he said he and the president drank beer and stayed up until 4am, he really meant that he and the president drank diet cola and went to bed early." To help clear up any future confusion, the Governor appointed a new State commissioner of Irony; Giggles, the Sad Clown.

(music: sad violin)

Giggles: (happy voice) Basically .. I'm here to say... THINK! When the Governor makes a remark, ask yourself "Is he putting me on?" I think you'll be surprised at how often he's fooling you.

(sfx: reporter hubub)

Reporter 1: Giggles! Giggles! Did the Governor make a mistake, using irony to describe his meeting with the president?

Giggles: Let me say this about that... irony should only be used by experts. And you should NEVER use irony when you're talking about people who... are generally thought to be... capable of anything.

(sfx: reporter hubub)

That is all! Press conference over!

(sfx: clown nose honk!)

Leslie: Minnesota's Commissioner of Irony, Giggles the Sad Clown. Study continues on crash data regarding the Ford Explorer SUV. Commercial stunt driver Irene "Impact" Imbroglio told a congressional subcommittee that rolling over any vehicle is a relatively simple matter. She's done it in movies, she says, hundreds of times.

Irene: You take it up to 90. You cut the wheels hard left and jam on the brakes just as you get your two right tires on the gravel at the edge of a ravine. And off you go. I rolled a garbage truck in one movie.

Congressman: And Ms. Imbroglio, what other factors are key in whether or not the vehicle will roll? Make? Model? Tires?

Irene: No, no. Mostly, in my experience, the vehicle will roll if the characters inside are minor players, or if they're bad guys chasing or being chased by the hero. They have to be dispensable. You don't roll a car if there's a star inside it.

Leslie: Movie stunt driver Irene "Impact" Imbroglio. A new study says American motorists are "tinkering" with their cars and trying to eliminate short trips, but are not making major lifestyle changes in response to the rising cost of gasoline. This motorist, filling up in suburban Washington, said she had managed to save a few pennies by reducing the weight her car.

(sfx: outdoor gas station)

Motorist: I took out the passenger seat. And this...

(sfx: clatter)

... air bag thing from the steering column. And this...

(sfx: clatter)

... is a brake shoe or something. They're heavy. And I've got two on each wheel, 8 on the car... I figure I can do without one if I have to. Kinda like kidneys, you know? Got more than you need.

Leslie: The motorist survey indicates that in order to save money on fuel, "driving less" would be the last option most Americans would choose.

There's another Nursery Rhyme in the news. Forrest Grimm reports.

Forrest: It has been two weeks since townspeople last saw three local men who sailed off in a wooden shoe! The men, Wynken, Blinken and Nod, were inexperienced sailors and left without a plan. This resident claims to have spoken to the men as they were leaving.

Resident: I called to them, "Where are you going, and what do you wish?" and they said "We are going to fish for the herring fish that live in this beautiful sea." Which is kind of odd. We don't have herring. Actually, we don't even have a sea, when you get right down to it.

Forrest: Authorities say the men may have mistaken the night sky for the sea, and the stars for herring fish. Betty Trundle is the local sherrif.

Sheriff: When certain gentlemen celebrate into the wee hours, they do sometimes get confused and believe they can cast nets of silver and gold and catch the stars as if they were herring fish or sardines or whatever... usually they come back to Earth after a few hours.

Forrest: But so far, there has been no sign of Wynken, Blinken and Nod. Critics have suggested the authorities could be more aggressive in their search. But Sheriff Trundle says she's doing all she can.

Sheriff: These things take time. Although I admit, whenever someone comes in here and says "Wynken Blinken and Nod one night sailed off... (yawn)... in a wooden shoe..." I makes me... tired.

Forrest: Forrest Grim, EugeneField, Idaho.

Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home