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DONUT DIET
by Howard Stiffle, 10/15/99

Listen (RealAudio 3.0)

DC: There are many diet fads ... too many to keep track of, although every so often one comes along which demands extra attention, usually because it's unhealthy, or it works so well, or it's just plain ridiculous.
Rarely is there a diet that does all three. Howard Stiffle reports.

(sfx: store ambiance)

Howard: Marge Kelly loves donuts.

Marge: I'll take one of the glazed, one of the chocolate old fashioned, two apple fritters, two frosted with sprinkles ...

Howard: She loves donuts so much she refused to take her doctor's advice to go on a strict diet.

Marge: He said I should ditch the donuts and get a healthy variety of foods, especially fruit and vegetables. And to exercise. I didn't see the point. Why exercise to live if living only means more exercise?

Howard: Marge Kelly was so intent on getting her donuts, she would not try the protein diet her husband tried and loved.

Hubby: I said "Marge, sweetheart! Look at this! All the steak you can eat! Mashed potatoes ... gravy ... dumplings! In a diet? What could be better?
She said ... "where are the donuts?" I had to admit, the diet didn't allow 'em. She wouldn't even try it for a single day! Not one day!

Howard: Marge, why were you so stubborn?

Marge: Look ... I love donuts and life is short. I understand about the health aspects of it ... but a life without donuts ... it's not worth living.
I was resigned to gain weight steadily until my final moment ... so I could die happy.

Howard: And fat.

Marge: Fat and happy. The American dream. I had already accepted that it was going to happen.

Howard: But then one day, Marge Kelly turned on her TV and what she saw there took her completely by surprise.

(music: tinny TV sound)

Announcer: It's time for the latest Diet Revolution to hit America's midsection! Dr. Don Denny's Donut Diet!

Dr. Don: Right! I'm Dr. Don Denny from down under. I'm lookin' at you and I'm seeing people who want to lose weight, am I right?

(applause)

You've cut out animal fats, you've tried to live on tofu and bean sprouts, you bought an expensive treadmill and it didn't work, right? How about you, sir?

Guy 1: I couldn't eat that rabbit food. I wanted the foods I like.

Dr. Don: And what kind of food is that?

Guy 1: Donuts!

(applause)

Dr. Don: Right! If you look at all the diets that have ever been invented, they all have one thing in common! No donuts!

(booo)

Cakes, cookies, muffins, rolls, pies ... this is America's most favorite food. And none of the diets will let you eat it!

(boo)

Well guess what? I WILL!

(cheering)

Right. Let's get started! (fade) But first, let's all have a nice donut, OK?

Marge: The Dr. Don Donut Diet was ... I thought ... too good to be true. But the more I learned about it, the better it seemed for me. It was a good "fit." You could have donuts. In fact, you could ONLY have donuts. I was intrigued by that. Even as big a donut fan as I was (and am) ... I couldn't imagine a diet where you would eat nothing but donuts. Until Dr. Don showed me.

Howard: Dr. Don is NOT a doctor. His real name is Bruce Crumb and he readily admits he doesn't have an advanced degree or any training at all.

Dr. Don: But I do love donuts and I did discover that when I shifted my diet over to eating only donuts ... things began to change.

Howard: How did they change?

Dr. Don: I didn't feel as full. Because I wasn't eating other stuff. See, I used to make myself eat healthy food so I could QUALIFY to eat a donut.
Once I gave up that charade, I didn't feel so stuffed. The donuts satisfied me ... I ate less overall.

Howard: So much less that he began to lose weight. Bruce began to share his diet ideas with other people who also loved donuts.

Dr. Don: It's the simplest diet you can have.
For breakfast, a "heavy" donut, like a creme filled or a really dense old fashioned, with coffee.
For lunch, a fruit filled donut like a apple fritter or even a turnover for variety's sale ... with juice, like orange or apple.
At dinner time, I'd allow myself two "light" donuts, such as a french cruller or the ever popular raised glazed, washed down with a glass of skim milk.

Howard: Four donuts total?

Dr. Don: About 1200 calories, more or less.

Howard: You didn't eat anything else?

Dr. Don: Nope. And I really began to drop the weight.

Howard: Isn't all that sugar and fat ... bad for your skin?

Dr. Don: Sure, but I'm losing weight, so I have less skin.

Howard: But there's no nutrition in four donuts.

Dr. Don: Right. And I do tend to faint a lot. That really kicks in the weight loss though, because when I'm unconscious I don't have any cravings to deal with.

Howard: But ... what about sickness and ... death?

Dr. Don: Yes, I feel weaker. No doubt there. When I go out, I notice buzzards circling overhead, sure. But it's like having a carrot dangling in front of a horse, you know? I always have the strength to survive until my next donut. As long as I know there's another one coming ... I'm determined to live. Plus, I love the way I look. My profile is great!

Howard: But what about your sunken eyes and ashen color of your skin?

Dr. Don: There are some nice colors that go well with ashen. I've changed my wardrobe to suit it.

Howard: (annc) In fact, the Dr. Don all Donut Diet has been condemned by health agencies worldwide as extremely dangerous. But he persists not only in eating the diet, but selling it!

Dr. Don: Besides the dizziness, I have a real loose, kind of "off the cuff" attitude about life that people respond to. I'm exciting. I'm interesting. I'm unpredictable. I look and act like someone who's got a lot on his mind, and that's attractive to people.

Howard: Do you have a lot on your mind?

Dr. Don: Only when I'm not passed out.

Howard: (anncr) Past diet fads have shown time and time again that many people are willing to ruin their health and abuse their bodies for the sake of losing weight and meeting the body type "ideal."
Dr. Don's All Donut Diet seems to be the latest, most radical example of this disturbing tendency. Marge Kelly says she's been warned, and she's not concerned.

Marge: For me, it wasn't a hard choice. Like I said, my attitude before was ... "give me donuts or give me death." Now ... I might get both. How can I pass that up?

Howard: This is Howard Stiffle reporting.

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