NEWSCAST
with Leslie Generic, 10/15/99

Here with the News, I'm Leslie Generic.
In Congress, debate has stalled on an Impatient's Bill of Rights.
Jennifer Hamster reports.

Jennifer: Proponents of the Bill say the Impatient are constantly harassed and frustrated by people who don't share "the urgency of the moment." Chief sponsor and Illinois Representative Marco Exasperado says the leadership is purposely delaying action on the bill. His level of frustration is illustrated in this exchange from the House floor.

Marco: (fast) We gotta get this done! Why are we wasting time? I got a stack of bills on my desk I gotta get back to my office for an interview I gotta meet with my staff about constituent services and I need to raise money for my next election. WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? I'M BUSY!

(sfx: gavel)

Speaker: (ponderous) While I am somewhat persuaded by my good friend
and highly esteemed ...

Marco: Colleague!

Speaker: lawmaker fom the great state of ....

Marco: ILLINOIS!

Speaker: ... politicians and athletes ... and farmers ...

Marco: and BUSY people!

Speaker: ... and a man who is ...

Marco: In a HURRY!

Speaker: ... know for being ... highly ...

Marco: IMPATIENT!

Speaker: ... intelligent ...

Marco: (weeping)

Speaker: ... the distinguished Mr. ...

Marco: (whimper) Exasperado.

Speaker: ... Exasperado ...

Marco: (beaten) Yes?

Speaker: I am inclined to take it slowly.

Jennifer: The Impatient's Bill of Rights would be the first formal Federal legislation to allow for crowding, tailgating, driving on the shoulder and line jumping when "it's really, really necessary." Jennifer Hamster, Washington.

Leslie: The Federal Office of Complacency has issued a warning against undue nervousness about projected overreaction to widespread fears concerning the year 2000 computer bug. Phil Bland, the director of the FOC, told reporters not to over react to the possible reaction.

Bland: If the response is less than expected, the greatest danger could be from our fears about the fears that fear of Y2K would be worse than the bug itself. So while we think some prudent fear is warranted, we caution against being overly fearful

(sfx: reporters calling ... cameras clicking)

I'm afraid that's all I have for you.

Leslie: Political instability abroad has led some US companies to consider mergers or buyouts of the governments where they do business. Among the potential merger partners ... Pepsico and Pakistan, Disney and ? , Tyson Foods and Thailand, BankAmerica and Bangladesh, Microsoft and Micronesia, Lipton Tea and East Timor, and Yahoo! and Yemen.

The Nobel Humility Prize has been given to an office manager from Atlanta, Ms. Beverly DeMure. In her remarks to the press, Ms. DeMure was predictably humble.

Beverley: Well I just couldn't! How can I accept a prize like this? I didn't do anything!
Really ... nothing!

Leslie: In its 90-year history, no winner of the Nobel Humility Prize has ever accepted it.
"This confirms it," said the Nobel committee's Hieke Hiekema, "we made the right choice again."

Dale Connelly Reporting Home