LEGISLATING TWINS
by Dale Connelly, 10/15/99

DC: Some days it seems as though Washington debates have more to do with petty jealousy than public policy. At times, our public servants have felt like family ... at times they've fought like family.
With me in the studio are the Bonesackers, Barry and Barney, Congressmen who are identical twins but represent different parties in the House of Representatives.

Barry: I'm a Republican.

Barney: And I'm a Democrat.

DC: How did that happen?

Barry: It was his fault. His weakness.

Barney: No it wasn't!

Barry: Yes it was, you jumped ship. The family knows it.
You left the party.

Barney: There's no family party.

Barry: Yes there is.

Barney: There's the party you and dad are in ... but mom likes my party.

Barry: No she doesn't.

Barney: Does! And if you weren't so stubborn, we WOULD be in the same party.

Barry: I don't want to be in the same party with you.

Barney: See!

DC: Well, it's not really important to figure out who's responsible.

Barry: Oh, I think it is.

Barney: No it's not.

DC: You can get so wound up in blame placing ... it's counter productive, you know what I mean? I think people are concerned that too much time is spent on blaming each other.

Barney: That's right, it's not necessary.

Barry: Especially when it's so obvious where the blame belongs.

Barney: Obvious to a moron.

Barry: Then why don't you get it?

Barney: I get it, you don't get it.

DC: Gentlemen ... please. We don't have to argue about this.

Barney: We certainly don't.

Barry: I think we do.

Barney: That's you. Confrontation! Confrontation all the time!

Barry: Don't blame it on me!

Barney: Why not? If the shoe fits!

DC: Ok ... I'm gonna have to break you up. You ... go into the other room.

Barry: But ... but ...

DC: Just go!

Barney: Ha ha, ha!

DC: And YOU! I don't want to hear any gloating from you.

(sfx: footsteps fade off)

Barry: (off mic) Don't believe anything he says ... he's a big liar!

(sfx: door open)

DC: Just ... go, OK? I'll get to you in a few minutes.

Barry: (off mic) Yah yah yah.

(sfx: door close)

DC: Now ... why do you think you and your brother argue so much?

Barney: He's always wrong.

DC: Seriously ... was it like this for you growing up?

Barney: We were fine growing up. We got along very well ... our parents will attest to that. It was only after being elected to the House that we started to quarrel.

DC: Really! Do you think the contentious nature of the House has that effect on other people too?

Barney: Is there anything breakable in that room?

DC: He'll be OK. It's just a few minutes and he's a grown man ..

(sfx: large muffled clatter/crash)

Barney: Hooo boy. What did I tell you?

(sfx: door open)

Barry: (off mic) He did it!

Barney: Ha! I'm out here!

DC: What happened?

(sfx: footsteps fade back on)

Barry: Some equipment racks fell over. They weren't anchored very well.
Some liberal carpenter put them up, I bet.

Barney: You shouldn't be climbing them!

Barry: I WASN'T climbing them.

DC: But you're OK?

Barry: Yeah. Kinda. My shoulder hurts.

Barney: He's bluffing.

Barry: Shhhhh. I am not. It does kinda hurt.

DC: Maybe you should see a doctor. We don't want you leaving with an injury.

Barry: No, I'm OK. Really.

DC: For legal reasons we should have you examined.

Barney: Make sure they take a good look at his head!

Barry: Don't be such a dope!

Barney: Ha!

DC: Why don't you ... Barry?

Barney: Barney.

DC: Right. Why don't you go into the other room Barney, so I can talk to Barry briefly.

(sfx: footsteps off)

Barney: (fade off) I'm not picking up in here. This is his mess.

Barry: It's not my fault.

(sfx: feet shuffle through mess)

Barney: Wow! What a slob!

(sfx: door close)

DC: Now ... don't you two get tired of arguing over every little thing?

Barry: I can't speak for him, but I do, yes.

DC: Then why don't you just ... stop?

Barry: And let him win? For his sake, I have to keep fighting him. Otherwise he'll ruin his life and mine and yours too.

DC: And he would say the same about you.

Barry: That's how deluded he is.

Barney: (off mic) That's a delusional statement right there!

Barry: Aren't you supposed to have the door closed?

Barney: (off mic) It won't shut, thanks to all the junk you spread around in here!

(sfx: shuffling junk)
(sfx: feet fade back on)

Barry: It's not my junk.

DC: Can't you two ... I mean ... how did you get elected? I would never pick you two to resolve anything.

Barney: Of course not. If it's resolution you want, choose one of us.

Barry: Together, we're not very good at resolving things. I think we can agree on that.

Barney: Absolutely.

DC: You AGREE?

Barry: On this point, sure.

Barney: No doubt.

DC: See? Isn't there a chance that you could get along?

Barry: Sure.

Barney: No there isn't. We never get along.

Barry: Almost never.

Barney: When we were kids, I was telling him, we got along then.

Barry: In your dreams.

Barney: No, we did.

Barry: We did not. Never did.

DC: Why not?

Barry: He was always wrong.

Barney: I said that earlier. About you.

Barry: You crummy thief. That's what I always say about YOU!

Barney: It's MY put down. I said it first.

Barry: Did NOT.

(they continue underneath)

DC: The Bonesacker twins, identical twin legislators, both serving in the House of Representatives this session, on different sides of the aisle, showing us graphically how difficult it is to put politics aside.

Barney: This isn't politics! I just hate him!

Barry: I'm rubber, you're glue!

Dale Connelly Reporting Home