with Leslie Generic, 10/22/99
Here with the news, I'm Leslie Generic.
Independent counsel Kenneth Starr left his post this week with his five-year,
$47 million dollar criminal investigation of the President not quite complete.
Starr's successor was sworn in and immediately promised bring the matter to a
prompt conclusion. Wile E. Coyote said he would capture the President thorough
careful planning, cunning design, and liberal use of "Acme" products.
Thirteen U.S. Senators were briefly hospitalized, then released last night after
bending over backwards to accept soft money contributions to their "leadership
PAC's", or political action committees.
Chuck Upchurch reports.
Chuck: (phone) Two Washington area hospitals reported that the senators all Democrats,
injured themselves when they attempted to justify receiving soft money while simultaneously
condemning it. Brenda Rekya is an emergency room physician.
Brenda: You can see on the x-ray, this senator overextended his rationalization
here and here ... so when he tried to straighten up again and assume a rigid position
concerning soft money, he was brought into conflict with this small area of principals
here, which caused intense pain here because his logic was contorted all out of
But these are, appropriately enough, soft tissue injuries, and they'll bounce
Chuck: Upon release from the hospitals, ten of the senators issued statements
announcing the creation of "NOPAC," a political action committee to
promote the elimination of Policial Action Committees.
Chuck Upchurch, Washington.
Leslie: On Wall Street, markets are mixed in reaction to an announcement from
the Congressional Budget Office that "money can't buy everything."
The CBO's report on the power of money, released late yesterday, identified love,
respect and happiness as three major commodities that cannot be purchased. The
mood is one of concern, not panic, say insiders, including this Wall Street trader,
who did not want to be identified.
(sfx: trading floor in bg)
Trader: If love, respect and happiness could be bought, that would be one HOT
I.P.O. But ... since they're not on the market ... we will make do with co-operation,
silence and subservience. All of them are very useful, and right now, silence
especially is dirt cheap!
It's a great buying opportunity!
(sfx: trading floor out)
Lwh: In other Wall Street news, Martha Stewart's new stock offering finished the
week strongly on the rumor that each new investor would receive their share certificates
in a handmade heirloom basket, woven from the collected scraps of naturally expired
redwood trees, and piled high with tiny homemade angel food cakes shaped to resemble
Monopoly game tokens.
A major film studio revealed this week that it is creatively dead. Mel Lightner,
CEO of Chutzpah Pictures, made the announcement in Los Angeles, telling reporters
that while the studio will continue to operate, moviegoers should not expect anything
Mel: We basically are always going after the adolescent male. As far as we're
concerned, the appeal of other audiences is ... you know ... pthththththt! Ha!
That's a funny sound! Pththththt! Pththththt!
So anyway, we decided to announce the studio is dead creatively because ...
Getting a teenage boy to laugh ... there's nothing creative about that!
Lwh: Lightner says Chutzpah Pictures will retain only one writer, who, he says,
"already knows all the gags."
The Federal Office of Complacency has issued a warning against undue nervousness
about projected overreaction to widespread fears concerning the year 2000 computer
bug. Margaret Haskell, the director of the FOC, told reporters not to over react
to the possible over reaction.
Haskell: If the response is less than expected, the greatest danger could be from
our fears about the fears that fear of Y2K would be worse than the bug itself.
So while we think some prudent fear is warranted, we caution against being overly
fearful at this time.
(sfx: reporters calling ... cameras clicking)
I'm afraid that's all I have for you.
Lwh: Margaret Haskell of the National Office of Complacency.
There are reports out of Kansas of another nursery rhyme making the news. Here's
Fg: (phone) When Shepherdess Bo Peep went to retrieve her sheep yesterday morning,
she was surprised to find that she didn't know where to find them.
A massive search effort was launched, and at one point the Governor considered
calling out the National Guard to aid in search and rescue, fearing the sheep
might have wandered into a nearby reservoir or game preserve. There were even
reports of wolves in the area. But shortly after noon today, while coordinating
logistics with the State Patrol helicopter, Bo Peep noticed the sheep coming home,
bringing their tails behind them.
Bo: (excited) I tried everything ... and then I finally left them alone! As soon
as I did ... there they came! Boy was I mad! But I held my temper.
At least until the National Guard went home.
Fg: While the sheep are now all safely accounted for, there may still be fallout
from this incident as the State Livestock Commission has ordered a mandatory review
of Peep's Shepherdess Certificate. The Animal Cruelty Task Force is also inquiring
as to how the sheep and their tails came to be separated. Forrest Grimm, Kansas.
Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.
Dale Connelly Reporting Home