NEWSCAST
by Leslie Generic, 10/27/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic. Historic meetings between the American Secretary of State Madeline Albright and leaders of communist North Korea have left open the possibility of a visit to the country by President Clinton next month. A spokeman for Vice President Al Gore said "Pyongyang would be an excellent place for Mr. Clinton to spend election day." "But," he added, the Gore campaign may ask the president to "stay in the country if Mr. Gore feels he needs the extra vote."

Problems continue with a genetically modified corn called "Starlink." "Starlink" has been approved by the FDA only for animal feed, but some got mixed in with processed foods. So far, selected taco shells, tortillas and snack chips have been recalled. Dairy farmers have been quick to take advantage of vast surpluses which are now unfit for human consumption.

(sfx: multiple cows crunching, under)

Farmer: Bluebell prefers her taco shells with a little bit of lettuce. Daisy and Bossie like the tortillas and the snack chips, especially if there's a bucket of salsa alongside.

(sfx: moo)

But man, the garlic breath out here will knock a man down.

Leslie: Some dairy farmers have asked that genetically modified animal feed be mixed with Fruit Loops on an experimental basis. .

(sfx: crunching fade out)

Leslie: Astronomers say they have discovered a minor planet between Neptune and Pluto. This new ball of ice and rock, known as EB173, is 373 miles in diameter, about one-fourth the size of Pluto. But at the annual meeting of the Cosmic Credentials Commission, there was serious disagreement as to whether an object so small is a planet or something else.

Astronomer 1: The diameter of this ... chunk ... is less than the distance between Boston and Buffalo. That's pathetic.

Astronomer 2: It's big enough.

Astronomer 1: If I were from this ... EB 173 ... I would be embarrassed to tell Earthlings or other aliens that I was from a planet ... for fear they would laugh at me for being from this wimpy little pebble in space.

Astronomer 2: Look! Here it comes!

Astronomer 1: Aghghghg!

Astronomer 2: Ha! Made you jump. I'd say it's big enough.

Leslie: A Census Bureau report says there are now more mothers of very young babies in the workforce than ever before in American history. In terms of what's acceptable behavior on the job, this brings a profound change in attitudes, according to Lynn Hoover, director of the National Center for the Collection of Obscure Data.

Hoover: In the so-called "traditional" male dominated workplace of the fifties, whining, whimpering, crying and the stamping of one's feet ... were all legitimate strategies for advancement. But the study suggests that in the American workplace of the 21st century, many of your co-workers have heard it before, and they are unimpressed.

Leslie: Lynn Hoover of the National Center for the Collection of Obscure Data, who says the workplace surveys also indicate that if a manager has a fit and tosses his binkie on the dirty floor, picking it up and washing it off will just encourage him to do it again. The six month old strike by actors against the advertising industry has ended peacefully. These actors spoke for hundreds who were happy to return to their jobs.

(music: cheesy production music)

Him: Having work makes me happier, healthier, and easier to get along with.

Her: I'll say, honey. And work is great for my complexion.

Him: Your hands!

Her: Like them?

Him: You're amazing!

Her: Work! Everyone needs some!

Him: Enjoy work today!

(music: out)

Leslie: In other Entertainment Industry news, a group of more than two dozen television writers have filed a 200 million dollar civil rights lawsuit against the major networks and movie studios. Paula Scribe is a party to the suit.

Paula: I had a script about a sudden influx of the Ebola Virus ruining the High School Prom ... full of tension and action and it was even a little funny ... but nobody would look at it. Even though I'm only ... 28. But I re-submitted it and changed my name and dropped my age to 21, and you know what? They threw the script out because it was "too stupid and sad." I'm a professional writer! I should be able to get that WITHOUT having to lie about my age.

Leslie: There's another nursery rhyme in the news. Forrest Grimm reports.

Forrest: When Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet eating some curds and whey, she had no idea that her world was about to fall apart. County prosecutor Jack Sprat tells what happened next.

Sprat: The victim claims that a spider came along and sat down beside her. This was done in a sufficiently threatening way that the citizen issuing the complaint felt she had no reasonable choice other than to flee the scene. While no charges have been filed at this point, we would like to speak to said spider. He is described as being small and oval shaped through the body with multiple eyes, pincers and eight very hairy legs. If you see the suspect, do not try to apprehend him yourself. Call authorities and someone will come with a tissue or a vacuum cleaner to collect him for questioning.

Forrest: Based on Miss Muffet's description, authorities believe the spider may be hiding in a local corner or a window, and may be surrounded by fly carcasses. Forrest Grimm, Tuffetsville, Kentucky!

Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home