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NEWSCAST
with Leslie Generic, 10/29/99

Here with the news, I'm Leslie Generic.
Condemnations continue to pour in regarding the establishing of an internet web site to sell human eggs from women selected for their physical attractiveness. The website, www.desperatebeauty.com, offers to sell eggs from a bevy of young models and actresses who are beautiful, unable to get work, and desperate for cash.
Founder of the site, Harry Ronald, says the effort is legal and useful.

Harry: There are lots of infertile couples looking for eggs. We want to hook up our unemployable, hardluck but gorgeous donors with couples who are rich (of course), a little shallow, and dumb enough to believe that a pretty face will make other problems and shortcomings go away.
The Desperate and the dumb. Think about the children they'll produce! Wow! Did I mention the buyers need to be rich?

Leslie:: Ronald says the website will also feature handsome male donors
and guys with "big ideas," such as himself.

Gizco, a firm that manufatures and sells disaster readiness supplies, has announced that it will not take advantage of Y2K hysteria. At a press conference, company spokesman Paul Bearing said Gizco is acting to claim "the moral high ground" before "millennial madness" takes hold.

(sfx: alarm bell, buzzer, claxon)

Bearing: (on bullhorn) Attention! All national press and ships at sea! Now hear this! We will NOT ... I repeat ... NOT ... use alarmist techniques to sell any of the items produced by the companies in our consortium. This includes bottled water, gas powered generators ... canned foods ... wood stoves ... plastic diapers ... batteries ... toilet paper ... and golf balls. Although these items might be in short supply should a crisis sstrike at the turn of the century ... we will do nothing ... I repeat, NOTHING ... to create waves of advance hysteria, no matter how good it might be for sales. That is all.

Leslie:: Paul Bearing, spokesman for Gizco. He also said the company's home improvement division, Bunker Builders Inc., will NOT promote sales of fallout shelters as a Y2K accessory.

At the White House this week, the president rekindled debate on the thorny question of medical privacy, proposing strict new rules to protect patients from unauthorized dissemination of their medical records. The fine print addresses executive illnesses. Presidential point person Pete Poindexter explains.

(sfx: news conf bed)

Pete: Under these new rules, given the history of this sort of thing, in the event of a presidential illness, any front page newspaper diagram of the president's internal systems, including (but not limited to) depiction of his liver, kidneys, spleen, brain, heart and bowels must be cleared first by the White House.

Reporter: Pete, isn't this a freedom of the press issue?

Pete: How'd you like to wake up one day and find a map to your spleen on the front page of the New York Times?

Leslie:: Presidential spokesman Pete Poindexter. In political news, lone wolf presidential candidate Gary Garfield blasted other candidates who are switching parties. Zelda Plowright reports.

(sfx: rally ongoing)

Zelda: At a spirited campaign rally, Garfield told his loyal followers that Parties should close their borders to political immigrants.

Garfield: You have people from other parties flooding over the borders into ... for example ... the Reform party ... taking away high paying candidate jobs from people who are natives of that party. Those people ought to be stopped at the border and made to go back to the political parties from whence they came!

(sfx: applause)

Zelda: Garfield's veiled reference is to Pat Buchanan and Donald Trump, who both bolted the Republican party this week. When asked for a response, Buchanan reportedly said "Who's Gary Garfield?"
Zelda Plowright reporting.

Leslie:: There's another fairy tale in the news. Forrest Grimm reports.

Forrest: An unidentified young woman apparently crashed a formal ball given in honor of the young price last evening and monopolized the prince's time, dancing with him all evening!
Social circles are abuzz today with news of the intruder's terribly rude behavior.

Stepsister: I came to this thing to dance with the stupid prince, but that stupid somebody, whoever she was, just enthralled him. He coulda been more polite too. What a twit. They both were. They deserve each other.

Forrest: At the stroke of midnight, the uninvited guest fled the party, leaving only a glass slipper behind. The prince has promised to find her at all costs.
Palace safety officials say wearing glass footwear is exceptionally dangerous, and they're warning members of the general public that the young woman, still at large, may be wearing other items of breakable clothing.
Analysts say the prince's behavior last evening did incalculable damage, politically. His popularity numbers are down, and some palace watchers are talking openly of abdication ... or a long vacation ... or both.
Even the King echoed some of the critics, refusing to lop off the heads of a few of his closest advisors who publicly remarked that the young prince was something of a goofball.
Forrest Grimm ... at the palace!

And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

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