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by Jennifer Hampster, 11/3/00

Dc: Just moments ago we checked in with Jennifer Hampster, who was on the scene of a remarkable drama at the Spleen family estate. The Senator, a presidential candidate and nominee of the Enough! Party, was climbing up a tree to rescue a little cat that had innocently crawled up there to escape a group of dogs who had been "let out', it seems. I understand the Senator is about to take some questions from the press. Jennifer Hampster is on the scene. Jennifer, what can you tell us?

(sfx: outdoors, voices)

Jennifer: I am here at the base of the tree, looking up. Above me I see some colorful foliage, the backside of the Senator draped over a couple of branches, and way up high there's a tiny little furball which is Fluff the kitten, a family pet chased there by the dogs that Senator Spleen accidentally let out.

Spleen: (off mic) I let the dogs out! I don't care who knows! I'm taking full responsibility.

(sfx: reporter questions)

Reporter: Senator, you must have known the dogs would chase the cat up a tree? But when did you know?

Spleen: I didn't know about the cat! I didn't know we had one!

(sfx: reporter questions)

Reporter: Come on, Senator. How can that BE!

Spleen: I've been away from home a lot and the cat showed up last week, so it was a surprise to me. In retrospect, I can understand how my family would want a pet for emotional purposes, what with me being gone so often. I support their decision. I just wish I hadn't let the dogs out. But I'm gonna make it right.

(sfx: reporter questions)

Jennifer: Senator, might you be using this little drama as a last minute ploy to get attention?

Spleen: Jennifer, how dare you suggest that I would engineer a horrible and dangerous situation like this just for my own political advancement!

Jennifer: But Senator, you've done some very unusual and provocative and just plain looney things!

Spleen: If you look at what I've done, It's all been reasonable and is fully justified by the facts.

Jennifer: What about disappearing for five months and giving a million dollars out of the campaign treasury to the person who found you? Wasn't that a gimmick?

Spleen: No, that was a fair reward for service rendered.

Jennifer: What about that "debate" last weekend where you and your campaign manager attacked each other with folding chairs.

Spleen: She started it!

(sfx: reporter questions)

Jennifer: Really! How can we be sure this isn't a publicity stunt!

Spleen: Why... YOU'RE here to guard against that. As long as you stay here, at the foot of the tree, bringing this dramatic story of self sacrifice to the hungry eyes of a jaded electorate... why, Americans everywhere can be sure that I'm not using this for my own personal advancement! The press will guard against it!

(sfx: reporters respond with favorable murmuring)

Thank you! I thank you, and Fluff thanks you. As does his mother, the large gray cat in the box on the porch inside. Feel free to take pictures.

Reporter 2: What about your family? Where are they?

Spleen: I've sent them away to spend a few nights in a hotel, so the house can be used for media coverage be reporters from all over the world, but especially from key mid western industrial states! Make yourselves comfortable!

(sfx: reporter hubub up and under)

We call the room at the top of the stairs "The Lincoln Bedroom." The first reporter to file a story today can have it for half price!

Jennifer: (over hubub) And so... the drama continues here at the Spleen's family home as Fluff the kitten makes her way higher and higher into the treetops, as does the Senator, while an amazed world watches the spectacle. From Collier Bluff, Illinois, this is Jennifer Hampster.


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